I have to stop doing this to myself

Small-scale: eating essentially nothing but sugar all day. The only reason I don't have diabetes is because I haven't been tested for it.

Large-scale: putting things off for so long, that no matter how much I think about them, I can't quite remember what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sorry for not writing recently.

Ok, so the recurring theme thus far seems to be productivity.

I'm constantly in this... I don't know, mess of both being productive, but then really just not. There are several reasons I've noticed this.

I updated my CV the other day. It's only on the 'hobbies & interests' bit that I actually get to ellaborate on the things I feel actually say anything about me. Of course, first is my interest in Native Americans - yet this final year project is the first time I'm really getting to explore/express it. This generally relates to my love of anthropology, which I'm showing in my role as course rep this year (I'll talk more about that in a minute); and also my new 'penchant' for languages - Spanish, this year. I then mention my interest in different forms of media, and the potential there to represent something. Such as the blog I'm writing this year, or a short film that I'm (hoping to) get involved with this year. Fair enough, I also discuss Japan, which was last year, but generally speaking I've left it all pretty late. It seems a little too much to be handling - especially considering how lazy I've been over the past few years. After contacting the Dover Detainee Charity, I haven't been able to follow through with my interest, because I just don't think I can. I feel bad. And I disappoint myself.

Especially when you think that this year isn't through. It's hardly started. So none of this is actually done.

I am, however, course rep. Me and the person I ran against. Somehow, we got the same number of votes. That's almost unbelievable, and kind of defeats the object of running. But I don't mind having a collaborator, so long as she is actually going to get involved. Only after a few days of having it confirmed that we were the reps, we had our first departmental meeting. The Union-led training conference isn't until November. We didn't have a clue what we were meant to do! Luckily, neither did Glenn Bowman (acting Head of School - he stressed that himself). I had announced myself at the start of our core lecture on Monday - my only chance - and it was petrifying to say the least. And I asked people to email me if they had any issues etc. but of course noone did. I doubt they voted either; that was probably the problem. Anyway, at the meeting: I don't even know how to describe it. It's very ordered, but also relaxed. So official, but then just a discussion. I managed to raise the issues people who'd just been abroad (like me) were having about being a out of the loop (we seem to be missing from a mailing list or 2), and also about mine and Rachel's 5000 essays that they've had since July but not heard about. In general, communication seemed to be the main problem. Not just spreading information around a specific year group, but having each of the years mix, and even the different courses (social & biological), and then the different departments (anthropology & DICE - Conservation - who we share the building with. We may even be classed as the same department). We really ought to be more of a proper society, and not rely on the student society, which didn't exist until last year. Now, "Tribe" as they're called, seem to get on really well with the academic staff, but they haven''t been too involved with getting new students - again, it took me a while to find anything out about them. After the meeting, a 2nd yr Biological Anth student set-up a facebook group, as discussed. It's now just all of the reps jobs to spread the word, be inclusive... I don't know what to do with it.

The other major thing that has me hovering is of course this Special Project. It's such a major thing, at least in my head, that I want to get it right. And in order to do that, I feel as though I already have to know exactly where it's going. Apparently I don't. Daniela (my supervisor) replied to my email from last week, just this morning, with comments on the proposal (which I knew had to change anyway, it was more of a reminder for her) and a quick note telling me not to panic. I wasn't panicking - it's my natural state to doubt so much.

[I think this is why my plans for after graduation are getting me in such a muddle: I need to know it'll be alright; I need control over what's going to happen; is that too much to ask??]

Anyway, she suggested we meet again next week, when she's back from... wherever (I didn't even know she was going somewhere). That's fine, I'd be happy with all the help I can get. She doesn't know that I went to see the guy from the English Department, who specialises in Native American Literature. I met him on Tuesday - it's been a busy week. I was in his office for an hour, just talking. It was so nice to talk to someone who really knows about the issues I want to address, and also understands where I'm coming from as, well, as a Briton (it isn't my history! I don't share a common territory with these people! It shouldn't be suprising when I don't know something about it!) We'd emailed beforehand just for me to introduce the things I was planning on looking at, so he had a list of books he felt might be useful for me. That was the main thing I got out of it. But it was nice to know I wasn't completely barking up the wrong tree. Of course I still have to be sensitive with anything that deals with Native American culture - the more I learn, the more I realise why that's so. It's such a shame. But there's always opportunity for me to change things. Anyway, now I've had another person's input, it's time to crack on with work again.

Uuuggghhh, reading.

Confusion

 I probably shouldn't have left it this long to write again - I know, it's only been a week, but honestly! The things that can happen/change! I feel like I've been busy. I started out last week with the best intentions to work, and for the first few days it was going well... but definitely by Thursday I lost motivation again, and didn't do much of anything at all over the weekend. Spanish is driving me up the wall. Ethnicity & Nationalism has barely even gotten started. I don't know what to do with the stuff we cover in Theoretical. And I'm just plain stuck on my Special Project. I would be fine just to get on with it, if my supervisor didn't keep reminding me that I need a more "definite idea" - what does that mean? I know what I want to look at. Yeah it's not in question-form so much, but I'm an undergrad, I'm not supposed to do original research, right? It's gotten me very confused.

4 weeks in. Pitiful.

Instead, what I've been doing recently is thinking about postgrad again. I went to the Career's Advisory for a quick drop-in session, and told them how, for a career, I thought I'd quite like to work in HR. She told me that had gotten competetive, but that by no means should hold me back, however there are more and more adverts asking for applicants who have degrees in that field. It's put me right off. So I then told her that I'd always wanted to do an MA in the States, in Anthropology with a minor in Native American Studies, but the cost put me off. She pointed me towards a webite (fulbright.co.uk) that is full of advice for UK students wanting to go there, and US students wanting to come here, and all the ways of getting funding. That sounded much more do-able. Hence I started researching again. What I learned was that, although you can get loans from external sources, most of the funding is likely to come form the universities themselves. However, those institutions that are more research-focused have the most money, and they tend to give more of it to doctorate students (a lot of the courses I looked at were aimed at doctorate's anyway, the MA was just a 'stopping' point, almost). Could I do a PhD? I really didn't think so - or, well, I didn't particularly want to. But I'm not dead-set against it. It would be a challenge intellectually, but I believe I could do it. The next problem is that, because they would basically paying for me to get the qualification, I'm more of an investment, and I'd have to state how I would plan to use the degree afterwards to see the full benefits.

I have no idea.

I can't really do anything with those specialisations if I'm not going to be living in the States, which isn't so easy a feat. And then I can't assume to be able to do anything with it even then, since I believe that anything I could do to help Native Americans, they would like to do for themselves (given the opportunity).

I think I really have to go to there before-hand, and get a better idea of how things work. It's hard speculating when I'm practically a world away.

My CV's pretty weak anyway. I'm once again looking at ways to improve it, i.e. volunteering. I finally got in touch with the DDVG who visit immigrants detained at the border (at Dover), either just being socialble or helping with legal things and the like. It's something I'd really like to do, it's just the travelling that's made me hesitate, but contact is a start. I also ran for course rep. Apparently I won... but then so did my only competitor. I personally think there's been a cock-up, and if they realise this so that the role goes to just one of us, it won't go in my favour. I should have thought about my manifesto more (at least I wrote something!). It would be nice to have that role though, not just for my CV, but I think it's something I could be really involved with - self-confessed anthropology geek!

I may have made it sound like even if I'm not working, my time is spent productively. Not necessarily. I was out for most of Saturday with Myra; we passed an oriental food store, so I thought I'd see if they had any anko (sweet red bean paste). They only had some that was expired, but he gave it me for free! So Myra and I spent the evening making home-made dorayaki, which I have missed from Japan. It wasn't the same - we basically just made small pancakes and sandwiched the an in between - but they were good.

Quois?!... I mean, 何？

*sigh* As you can see, me and Spanish just don't go well together. I don't even know how to say "what?" My natural instinct right now is just to revert to any foreign language that I'm more comfortable with, which is usually Japanese. Suprisingly, I find myself thinking things in French every now and then - I haven't taken French for roughly 8 years!! What's the problem? I really think it's the way it's taught. I know that any new language is hard - but this is insane. Manolo (the teacher - I may have mentioned him before) is a 'linguist', and obsessed with grammar. Grammar is good to know, I agree, but not when you don't have vocabulary to back it up. It doesn't seem as though he has any plans to strictly teach us that either - it's more of a "just listen and learn" approach. So I've been very confused in class. I just didn't go yesterday. Instead, I went into town to buy a dictionary and some flashcards. I've spent most of toay filling them up. Another difficult task when there's no set vocab list. Every word I come accross in our grammar sheets, I write down. There are looooaaads. It's only been 2 weeks! I repeat: insane.

Thus - I'm stressed. Already. Not just from Spanish; I feel like I'm falling behind with reading too, even though I'm making more of an effort than I'm sure I did a couple of years ago (not counting KG - completely different situation). It's a sad state of affairs. There go my plans of having a proper weekend then.

mustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchup.

What am I doing now, I hear you ask? Just making it that much harder on myself, of course. No, I'd lose my mind if I never stopped (it's a hard balance). After all my talk of societies, I decided the 45 minute walk up to campus made most of them... not worth it - especially if the activities then involved more excercise. But I have been to both Japan Soc meetings this year. They're at 7, on a day when my classes finish at 6, so I have an hour to get food (and don't have to go home). Usually, when it comes to anything related to Japan in this country, it's organised by some Japanophile who phenomenolizes everything, epsecially pop-culture, and is just ultra-excited. Unfortunatley they tend to gloss over reality, and generally speaking, they grate me. I think this society probably started like that, and some of the people who come are maybe like that, but there are a fair number of Japanese students around Canterbury, and they get involved. I think, in terms of commitee members, lessons have been learned and even if they haven't been to Japan, they really do have a feel for it. The activities aren't that different than they might have otherwise been, anyway. There's a planned karaoke night, and I'm sure there'll be a sushi-making party, too, eventually.

Harajuku Girls? Sorry to disappoint you, but I've been to Harajuku, and though this sort of thing does exist, it's not that common of a common sight. (Taken from adorability's blog)

Tonight, me and my housemates are going to see Kyrbgrinder again (remember the band from the Alternative Freshers' Ball?). Somewhat looking forward to it - I'm sure I'll get more into it once we're actually out. Other than that, there hasn't been too much going on. The only thing that's captured my interest - not counting X Factor or Strictly, which are more like guilty pleasures, or vices - is this documentary called "A Thunder Being Nation" which isn't out yet. I've been following the filmmaker on twitter; he's really quite involved with Pine Ridge Res., where the doc is set, and also where he filmed another film set there ("Rez Bomb"). I envy him... Anyhow, in order to completed with the best historical footage etc., he needs funds. Since I want to see it so much, it's only fair that I give something. So I did - I guess it's a good job that I haven't been able to work my budget out yet. Sort it later.

Pine Ridge, SD. If nothing else, it's got soul. I'd love to be involved. (Taken from Fixingtheworld's page)

So, no epiphony, or any particular point to make today. Maybe I forgot if there was. It'd be nice to find myself in a situation where things didn't get so hazy...

It's all so Pedantic!

I did have to look up that word, just to be careful - yes I'm aware of the irony in that. What am I on about though?

Academia.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe my degree is awesome, and am enjoying my classes. At this 'final stage' though I'm doing my best to think practically, you know: What comes next? What can I do? And then so often in lectures, even seminars in trying to stimulate intellectual thinking, they just get so caught up in definitions.

This is true for when I went to see my supervisor, Daniela. She's so nice, and it was a reassuring meeting (if not overly productive), but she pointed out that I had used the word "tribe" in my revised proposal, and asked me to be careful when I do so. First she asked whether I had come accross it in my readings, but I didn't know how to answer. Possibly. It's quite a common word, I'm sure I've seen it lots of places. Specifically though? I don't know. So she pointed me toward a book called "The Notion of Tribe".

"It's only a small book" I was told, and so I took it out the library. It was small, in terms of size. Small font, too. I read the first chapter (in the space of a couple of days - I don't rush), but I actually didn't understand too much at what it was getting at. I kept checking the contents for the topics it covered, trying to decide something that I may get more out of, but then just skipped to the conclusion. Still not a clue. Well, that's not quite true. I did have an inkling as to what the problem with the term might be, and as always its in the historical usage. Anthropologists weren't always what  they are today; they used to be a colonial tool, believeing that only Europeans were civilized, everyone else was primitive/savage, and they had to be taught. What a legacy, huh? I don't really know if there's a need to point out how wrong that is. Essentially, "tribe" referred to any identifiable grouping (homogenous in some way, be it language, ceremony, dress etc.) that wasn't part of a state. I did know that before. But I also know, perhaps from my English Language A Level although I think it's common sense, that meanings change. Surely the meaning of a word comes from its common usage. And the word "tribe" is used frequently, comfortably, especially when referring to North American Indians - even by such people themselves. I don't think anyone these days means anything derogatory by it. It's just an identity marker. And you know what? It is used in my readings. I doubted myself, but it is. Today I've been using Daniel Gelo's "Indians of the Great Plains" to work on my 'Orientation & Background' section, and in there is a less-than-2-page section entitled "The Notion of Tribe" summing up the problem of the term, but simultaneously shrugging it off. Typical. Why do I worry myself so much sometimes?

And why, generally speaking, is academic reading so unnecessarily difficult?! It ought to be the ideas in the text that challenge and impress, not the text itself. Like Marx - I have to read a chapter of his work for one of my seminars this week. I've been introduced to his ideas before, and I kind of really liked them. But I've never got round to fully reading some of his work. I have tried, but it's imperceptible! It makes so much more sense when someone just sums it up for you. I've actually gotten half way with this assigned piece so far, but that took a good couple of hours. Another reading that I've had to do recently, well, I can't even quite remember what it was about - something to do with creation myths and naturalised power (addressed by feminists). Again, it took me a long while to get anywhere with it, and then I thought back about it,and just felt that the whole argument was kind of obvious! Perhaps not obvious, but like it could have been written with 25% the length and made the same point, but in a more sensible way. I'm an incredibly slow reader anyway, so for texts like these I'm prone just to give up. It will be a miracle if I can get my project completed 'properly' (whatever that's supposed to mean).

The thing is with this field, with the direction that it's supposedly gone in now, it is supposed to be more beneficial. Our cross-cultural methods are meant to be used to raise awareness and understanding. But it's like another one of these secret circles [like politicians] in which the members just want to out do each other, and everyone on the outside is oblivious to the point of just not caring. Who does that help?

I think this is what Melissa was getting at in our lecture yesterday when she said she thought the discipline had passed it's post-modern stage now. She couldn't say what that meant exactly, and probably we won't see it too clearly until we're 20 years down the line, but it has to change.