There comes a point where you can't call it Writer's Block anymore

I've never been able to keep on top of these things, seriously, I've started many a diary in my day and given up after just a couple of weeks... at best. I have been busy recently - well, not so much if I'm honest. It's one of those things where you know what you're meant to be doing / what you have to do, but it just isn't happening. And as long as it isn't happening, you really shouldn't do anything else that might be considered useful, that isn't 'fair'. So what does that leave? It's textbook procrastination, right? The most depressing thing is that I'm not a last-minute kind of worker, I want to get ahead on things (which never actually happens) meaning this process is dragged out even longer. Even worse, I class socialising in that off-limits 'useful' category; can't risk anything that I might actually want to get involved with! As long as I have deadlines, it's like I have a self-imposed grounding. Solitary confinement is not good for a person...

Sean Bean. Taken from nora's men blog

I think this is what leads to my superficial attachments - I believe I've mentioned a few of my obsessions, however shortlived, before: Arashi, Richard Lewis, etc. This time, a friend of mine highly recommended this series 'Game of Thrones' explaining the appeal through the north/south divide it portrays. Even though it's a fantasy, it's essentially English. "My" people are the northerners (the Starks), i.e. the good guys (even if a bit naive); whilst hers, as a Londoner, are the deceptive and cunning southerners (the Lannisters). Of course, as I watched it, I learned that it's much more complex than that. Complexity is good. Trying to put that in 10 episodes, not so much. But anyway, the point is, as well as loving the story, I was really drawn to the 'star' - Sean Bean. He's from Sheffield. Why did I not know this before? And why does it even matter? I'm not from Yorkshire, nor seen much of his work before. All I can think is there's just something about his nature, some groundedness (and of course at least a bit of familiarity) that I was in need of at the time. He's not bad to look at either.

So then I started looking for interviews on youtube. He hasn't done loads, but it's very easy to get distracted by all the links 'recommended'. I spent solid days engrossed in these short, fun encounters, learning benign facts about people that have absolutely no relevance to my life, just wishing I was a part of it.

[Well, it's not like I had a dissertation to write or anything. By the way, that did get done, though perhaps not quite to the level I'd originally intended. I'm still finding it hard to care. So, to all the people who say "that must be a huge relief" - not particularly.]

Craig Ferguson. Taken from Alons-y's blog

 This led into yet another obsession: Craig Ferguson. I've watched clips of the Late Late Show before, just not this... intently. I've ended up buying his autobiography "American on Purpose", which I'm already about half way through. What a life he's had. He really is quite inspirational - deciding what he wanted and then just going for it. I'm painfully enviable. Where I'm up to, he's just about 22, which is ever so slightly younger than I am now. But he's already experienced a hundred times what I have whist being addicted to alcohol (and ever so occasionally making a mess of things). If I look at my life so far in the same way, can I say it's been worth it? No, I really can't. That's why I'm sat up writing this, unable to sleep. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I never really did any drugs. Sure, it's dangerous (and expensive), but it's something that usually accompanies a social circle that doubles as a network - I think Craig demonstrates how this works when he talks about his experience in Manhattan. I've never even really been attracted to alcohol. Yeah, I started as young as he did, but I was definitely bored of it by 16, despite not really 'exhausting' it (I was always a light-ish drinker). At the time, I decided that my best option was to cut myself out from my circle of friends. That was stupid. To this day I've never been part of a group as tight as that, and I struggle to keep the few friends I have. Too used to my own company. But humans are social animals - you don't have to be an anthropologist to know that.

Take, for example, when I went to Japan. It was an amazing experience that not many people get to have, but I now that I didn't make the most of it. I went to lots of places, saw lots of things, but apparently I didn't make any lasting friendships. I just bought a new camera, telling the salesman that Japan was the inspiration. He joked that it was a little late, but that it should be quite easy to go back as there's bound to be people there I could stay with... nope. Why wasn't I able to connect with any Japanese people? From those few I really tried with, we just had nothing in common [I get that a lot with people in general]. The language barrier was a big problem, but there were peopl there with less Nihongo than myself and they did fine. The majority of the people I hung out with were American, but now we've all gone home, I never hear anything. This irritates me to no end, because of all places I'm likely to go in future, it's the US. In fact, that's how I've been procrastinating these past couple of days (rather than working on my last ever essay) - planning a trip accross the country, starting with LA jsut so I can see the LLS being filmed. But I have to work within a budget, which realistically means that even with my life savings, I couldn't last for much more than 3 weeks. Unimpressed is an understatement. Maybe I'll get advice from a travel company, but that may even put the cost up.

The other thing that would get in the way - although in this case it's much more forgiveable - I may get to do an internship at Chester Zoo. Twelve months, unpaid. Incredible opportunity, but may zap those very savings (unless I find other funding). I have always wanted to work at a zoo. Always. I'm starting to feel that the interview could have gone better, and that the competition will be too tough. But this could be my window into the career I need. [chat show host and stand-up comedian also looks seriously fun. But I'd be delusional to believe I had the character for it]

I'll try and keep you updated better in the future. You may have noticed the distinct lack of mention of my degree this time. In just a couple of months, after the exams, I'll have completed my biggest ever achievement. But I've had enough of it already, and it's feeling pretty worthless. It's little wonder that I'm depressed.