Circles

I know they say life is full of ups and downs, I just seem to have had quite a lot of them in a short space of time recently. Alright, I'm sensitive, and maybe it's better than the numbness that's soon to come once I'm home. That's right - I'm all finished. Big achievement. Very anti-climactic.

I don't have much to say about exams. They were fine; perhaps even better than expected. Just waiting for them to be marked. Also need my special project grade still. I just want my overall degree classification now - I need it. I learned yesterday that I didn't get the zoo internship, so I have to look to do other things. As much as I kind of knew there would be better people, I'm gutted. I don't know if that's what's hit me right now, but I'm feeling very deflated. Even though I've just seen friends, I need to be around someone for a proper conversation. But there is noone around. There's something else on my mind, too, and that has to do with Wednesday.

That was a very fun day, overall. It was the screening of all the Visual Anthropology projects in our department, which I would consider the biggest event at the end of the year before graduation. I haven't been in other years, I guess it means more now I'm finishing. It's a good chance to see staff, although I only really said hi to a couple. Afterwards, the plan was to head to the Dolphin in town. Me and my group of friends went for food first, but it got later and later and by the time we got to the Dolphin, most the staff had left except for one (who I still didn't talk to) and everyone was about to move on to the same place we had just left! That was quite irritating, but can't be helped. Anyway, whilst I was with my usual friends, it was nice being around others who I rarely get to see otherwise. One person in particular matters to me, and the sequence of events at the end of the night were... unexpected, though not unwelcome. [this is tricky to write - although it's a personal blog, some things don't need to be gone into - how do I balance this? You'll have to fill in a lot of gaps, but I think that's better] As usual, however, I was too full of doubts, and stopped anything from happening. It was a rational decision, and in that sense I can't say I was wrong. But I'm full of regret, full of "what if?". This person is somebody. But I'd have to be a totally different person for the situation to be different. And I don't know what the situation is now, and as I never really run into this person - especially without classes - don't know if it can be changed. I could act, I could contact them, but a big part of me thinks that's stupid. So I'll suffer in silence until it all goes away.

What else have I got to think about? Well, next year I guess. Back to the drawing board. I think America is still at the top of my list - I've somewhat decided against *just* travelling cross-country, as there are plenty of opportunities to get internships. That'd be more worthwhile. I just have to decide what my strengths are since I have no particular skill or 'trade' - that's not easy. But as I said above, I could really do with my degree classification. So in the meantime? I've fallen back into Game of Thrones, with the second season. It really is epic, especially the last episode, just the finale to come. I want to be in that world (as dark and grisly as it is). Stand out character is by far Sandor "the Hound" Clegane. Ahh, fantasy, take me away...

I'm reminded of the title of this blog. "In Limbo". My work is done, and yet I'm still there. This is a longer process than I thought. Or maybe I'm always going to feel like I'm in limbo, always looking for something else. What needs to change is me. Well, I don't know, do I? Should I? I'm tired of all this doubt. I just want some comfort.