Home is the Place where Nothing Happens

I really struggled to make myself get up this morning - my body just feels so heavy, so tired. That could partly be because the weather's gone crazy: lots of thick, eerie mist lately. Winter's here. I've probably got a cold. But I think it's mainly because the last 2 days have been very long and very busy. It sounds almost pathethic.

"typical student. 2 days and they've had enough!" 

But these aren't like ordinary days.

Monday is the only day where I have lectures, 1st one at 9am, other one at 4. In between that I planned on getting loads of reading done, but actually I spent the day with another of my anthropologist friends who went to Denmark - Lynn. She showed me this site, sporcle.com, with all sorts of mini games and quizzes, which we then spent a couple of hours distracted by; but we were also talking about our course, as always, and whether or not it's actually preparing us for afterwards (she is currently working on her application for a PhD - I still feel very far from ready for that!). Such thoughts carry a lot of weight; there's a lot of grounding in our current situation. If that doesn't wear you out then the lecture that followed would as she almost reiterated worries about debt/work/retirement/the end of the world. Following that I went to see my personal tutor, who I've never met, to raise a couple of issues I'm having (namely Spanish) - that is what they're there for, but unfortunately it was a little uncomfortable and I didn't get much out of it... Anyway, I then went and met up with friends again in Rutherford bar. I do love that everyone happens to be around on a Monday!

Yesterday should have been a day off, but I agreed with Myra that we'd go up to campus early to get a lot of work done. I was out the house by 9:30 (go me), and I actally did get some reading done; though as I was jumping about a bit, trying to formulate my topic for my next (Theoretical) essay, it's hard to remember exactly what. I'm going to go and see the convenor tomorrow to discuss it, as although I know I've got something of a good idea, it keeps confusing me. I literally think my 'line of thinking' (as they call it) has tied me in a knot. At 2pm Myra had a lecture, in Visual Anthropology - I went along, too. That's just how I procrastinate :P Actually, since I have been to a couple of the screenings, I know that I'm interested in the topic. And I really enjoyed the lecture! Mass media, and indigenous media, and 'inverse'/satirical anthropology: that's amazing. Why didn't I take this class?! We then went back and did a little bit of reading before 4pm when DICE (Durrell Institute of Conservation Ecology - part of our department) were hosting an informal debate, between their lectures, over which animal should represent the dept. It was odd being there, as we didn't really 'belong' and they all seemed to know each other, but it was still fun! Geeky fun, but that's the best kind. I'd really like to see our soc anth lecturers argue over a similarly trivial issues; perhaps proving to us that we really don't have to be so neurotic over deconstructng everything. After a vote at the end, and I don't know what kind of logic, the animal chosen was a tardigrade - I'd like to see that on their hoodies. Anyway, at 6:30 it was then the annual Stirling Lecture, where a guest speaker comes in to present their work. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this wouldn't be like an undergrad lecture - I have been to them before - really intense, with lote of ideas, and I'm not entirely sure I followed (by that I mean not at all). From what I got though there were some good ideas. I know I wasn't alone at least. And Roger was there! The legend. He's a professor who reitred a couple of years ago - we had him all through first year, and there's noone more intelligent yet laid back and charismatic. In 2nd year, he taught E&N (which I'm taking now), but other than that we only had him teach about his own ethnography. That's a gift in itself, though. I said "hi", and he did remember us (not sure about names...), which was nice - it was a brief encounter, and he was definitely a little awquard talking to us :( [I'm such a fan of his, and I think he knows that]

Anyway, what's the point of my title? Well, I was so tired when I got up that I just wanted it to be time to go back to Manchester, where everything stops. I'm only ever there when I have a break. And it just occurred to me how much of a problem that is. For one: I havehavehave to work non-stop this Christmas on my special project, to make up for my recent complaceny, and the fact that my new topic wasn't decided until week 6ish. This is one of my sources of stress lately. Especially since there are always less productive distractions (my brother has Skyrim). The other thing, which is pretty major, is - what happens when it's not so temporary anymore? No matter what I intend on doing - by the way, I had a crisis again lately - I'll be at home for at least a year just to work and get money. There's a chance, depending what job I end up on getting, that I'll stick with it. That's so depressingly boring. What's the point of all my hopes and desires (to show Moore's influence - our core text) to just end up in a daily grind kind of thing? My priorities have always been different to everyone I've grown up around - I don't want to live to work/for money/just to be part of a system. Whatever I do, it has to be special. And you know what else? As common as I am in some ways, and proud of that, I need intellectual stimulation. My favourite part about uni is that most my friends are on my course, and that's what we discuss. When I go home, not only do I not really have any friends, there are very few people that would even recognise anthropology as a thing. Maybe I underestimated how important the people who surround me here, are. I'll miss that - genuinely.

[Ive just realised that I haven't even discussed the 'Indigenous Party' hosted by Tribe, which was on Friday. So many anthropologists in one place! I could deconstruct the concept of it... or I could just say that it was a lot of fun!]

So this is a promise I'm making to myself: whilst I'm at home, for just a temporary period, and doing a mundane this or that, I'm going to be teaching myself all the things I wish I'd learned here. That is: the history (theory & theorists), methodology, and in fact just revising all the things I should supposedly know by now. I think... it has to be postgrad. I'm nowhere near done with this. And it's not enough to know that I want to work with Native Americans - I've got to make sure that I learn so much about them too, to have a definite area for research, which I can then follow up on. If that's in America, then I'll have to teach myself some linguistic anthropology, even archaeology.

...this feels an awful lot like a decision, doesn't it?

But really though - what other choice is there? I'm scared of going back to Manchester after I graduate, and then not knowing how to develop any further. Yes, I do have a lot of probems with academia, I think too much of it is pointless, but that's something to work on - to change. I've said this all along: a BA is not enough for me. The funding and all the other logistical stuff will just have to work out. That's it.

Unfortunately Cryptic

There's one particular reason lately that Ive been distracted...

but there are no words that would work to accurately express what I mean

- it can't be trivial if it's driving me so insane

if only there was a way to channel all these feelings into their head

P.S. I am going to try and write again soon - I just have an essay that I really ought to get out of the way first, and it's not going well (hence the above)

Where are my Priorities at?

There's been so much going on, it's insane. And still everything's just in the process of being done. I don't have a clear idea of what I've actually achieved, if anything. Which is frustrating considering how drained I feel right now.

Even though it's the weekend, of course I ought to be working. I took most of yesterday off as I was on a bit of a downer. After pretty much forcing myself to go to Spanish to pick up our 300-word assignments, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The mark was disappointing, to say the least. 62. With comments suggesting that I need to improve my vocabulary/use "more words", and also my use of reflexive verbs. Considering that he hasn't taught us any vocab (which I've mentioned before) and we literally only just covered refelxive verbs this week, I think he's being a little unfair. It's all the more infuriating because if this, a low 2:1, is the line I'm on for my final grade, well then that's going to hold me back in my push for a 1st overall. He's making me despise Spanish, which isn't right. I'm not doing it next term. I can't give it the energy it needs. I'll learn some other time, some other way. I just have to stick it out for the next 5 weeks.

There are a couple of good things to come out of taking the class though (as well as it being at least a start to understanding the language). In looking for inspiration, I saw "El Espinazo Del Diablo" ("The Devil's Backbone") which is a very, very good film; and I discovered the Gipsy Kings, who fair enough aren't actually Spanish, they were just a lucky diversion in my hunt for Spanish music.

I also had another meeting with my supervisor, to discuss my new proposal (looking at how religious aspects influence the making of identity), which I was really happy with in the end. She said she liked it too, and there were only 2 comments on the revision which was up on her computer screen - they were just to do with the choice of words I'd used (see one of my older posts about how pedantic this subject/academia is). Then we got to talking about it. And gradually she made more and more changes, in the end suggesting that I ought to just choose one "event" to be my focus (i.e. powwows, or sweat lodges, or Sun Dances). It almost feels like slaughter - I found it hard enough to narrow it down from where it was to begin with. And I thought the whole point of anthropology was not to look at things in isolation. She wants me to decide on this before next week, so I have to get a move on.

It also disrupts the work I'd been putting into my Ethnicity & Nationalism essay. It's not due until the end of term, but I wanted to get it out the way. I'd been taking my time about it, but read all sorts of things that I could use in my arguments... however, looking back over what I've got, it all does seem too dispersed, and I don't think my research has been heading anywhere in particular. Another wasted effort, then.

This is why I get so apathetic about things, even when I know I really want to be enthusiatic. It's a defense mechanism.

It's not all bad news though, honestly. For one, Russell Means has had a miraculous recovery (see this video to hear from the man himself). And... well there are other things. One thing in particular, but it's not worth discussing right now. It's just potential. Just hope. And I'm probably deceiving myself again (not to mention the distraction). In fact, I watched another documentary this morning; The Importance of Being Morrissey. Morrissey is meant to be some kind of enigma, but I think I can relate to him in some ways. Particularly in his approach to human relationships. It is a sign of inner-stength, I feel, but it also complicates a lot of other things - like the thing I'm not discussing here. This is what I mean when I say I need a lyric - to express what I otherwise can't. I bet something of Morrissey's would work pretty well.

From clashmusic.com