I really struggled to make myself get up this morning - my body just feels so heavy, so tired. That could partly be because the weather's gone crazy: lots of thick, eerie mist lately. Winter's here. I've probably got a cold. But I think it's mainly because the last 2 days have been very long and very busy. It sounds almost pathethic.
"typical student. 2 days and they've had enough!"
But these aren't like ordinary days.
Monday is the only day where I have lectures, 1st one at 9am, other one at 4. In between that I planned on getting loads of reading done, but actually I spent the day with another of my anthropologist friends who went to Denmark - Lynn. She showed me this site, sporcle.com, with all sorts of mini games and quizzes, which we then spent a couple of hours distracted by; but we were also talking about our course, as always, and whether or not it's actually preparing us for afterwards (she is currently working on her application for a PhD - I still feel very far from ready for that!). Such thoughts carry a lot of weight; there's a lot of grounding in our current situation. If that doesn't wear you out then the lecture that followed would as she almost reiterated worries about debt/work/retirement/the end of the world. Following that I went to see my personal tutor, who I've never met, to raise a couple of issues I'm having (namely Spanish) - that is what they're there for, but unfortunately it was a little uncomfortable and I didn't get much out of it... Anyway, I then went and met up with friends again in Rutherford bar. I do love that everyone happens to be around on a Monday!
Yesterday should have been a day off, but I agreed with Myra that we'd go up to campus early to get a lot of work done. I was out the house by 9:30 (go me), and I actally did get some reading done; though as I was jumping about a bit, trying to formulate my topic for my next (Theoretical) essay, it's hard to remember exactly what. I'm going to go and see the convenor tomorrow to discuss it, as although I know I've got something of a good idea, it keeps confusing me. I literally think my 'line of thinking' (as they call it) has tied me in a knot. At 2pm Myra had a lecture, in Visual Anthropology - I went along, too. That's just how I procrastinate :P Actually, since I have been to a couple of the screenings, I know that I'm interested in the topic. And I really enjoyed the lecture! Mass media, and indigenous media, and 'inverse'/satirical anthropology: that's amazing. Why didn't I take this class?! We then went back and did a little bit of reading before 4pm when DICE (Durrell Institute of Conservation Ecology - part of our department) were hosting an informal debate, between their lectures, over which animal should represent the dept. It was odd being there, as we didn't really 'belong' and they all seemed to know each other, but it was still fun! Geeky fun, but that's the best kind. I'd really like to see our soc anth lecturers argue over a similarly trivial issues; perhaps proving to us that we really don't have to be so neurotic over deconstructng everything. After a vote at the end, and I don't know what kind of logic, the animal chosen was a tardigrade - I'd like to see that on their hoodies. Anyway, at 6:30 it was then the annual Stirling Lecture, where a guest speaker comes in to present their work. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this wouldn't be like an undergrad lecture - I have been to them before - really intense, with lote of ideas, and I'm not entirely sure I followed (by that I mean not at all). From what I got though there were some good ideas. I know I wasn't alone at least. And Roger was there! The legend. He's a professor who reitred a couple of years ago - we had him all through first year, and there's noone more intelligent yet laid back and charismatic. In 2nd year, he taught E&N (which I'm taking now), but other than that we only had him teach about his own ethnography. That's a gift in itself, though. I said "hi", and he did remember us (not sure about names...), which was nice - it was a brief encounter, and he was definitely a little awquard talking to us :( [I'm such a fan of his, and I think he knows that]
Anyway, what's the point of my title? Well, I was so tired when I got up that I just wanted it to be time to go back to Manchester, where everything stops. I'm only ever there when I have a break. And it just occurred to me how much of a problem that is. For one: I havehavehave to work non-stop this Christmas on my special project, to make up for my recent complaceny, and the fact that my new topic wasn't decided until week 6ish. This is one of my sources of stress lately. Especially since there are always less productive distractions (my brother has Skyrim). The other thing, which is pretty major, is - what happens when it's not so temporary anymore? No matter what I intend on doing - by the way, I had a crisis again lately - I'll be at home for at least a year just to work and get money. There's a chance, depending what job I end up on getting, that I'll stick with it. That's so depressingly boring. What's the point of all my hopes and desires (to show Moore's influence - our core text) to just end up in a daily grind kind of thing? My priorities have always been different to everyone I've grown up around - I don't want to live to work/for money/just to be part of a system. Whatever I do, it has to be special. And you know what else? As common as I am in some ways, and proud of that, I need intellectual stimulation. My favourite part about uni is that most my friends are on my course, and that's what we discuss. When I go home, not only do I not really have any friends, there are very few people that would even recognise anthropology as a thing. Maybe I underestimated how important the people who surround me here, are. I'll miss that - genuinely.
[Ive just realised that I haven't even discussed the 'Indigenous Party' hosted by Tribe, which was on Friday. So many anthropologists in one place! I could deconstruct the concept of it... or I could just say that it was a lot of fun!]
So this is a promise I'm making to myself: whilst I'm at home, for just a temporary period, and doing a mundane this or that, I'm going to be teaching myself all the things I wish I'd learned here. That is: the history (theory & theorists), methodology, and in fact just revising all the things I should supposedly know by now. I think... it has to be postgrad. I'm nowhere near done with this. And it's not enough to know that I want to work with Native Americans - I've got to make sure that I learn so much about them too, to have a definite area for research, which I can then follow up on. If that's in America, then I'll have to teach myself some linguistic anthropology, even archaeology.
...this feels an awful lot like a decision, doesn't it?
But really though - what other choice is there? I'm scared of going back to Manchester after I graduate, and then not knowing how to develop any further. Yes, I do have a lot of probems with academia, I think too much of it is pointless, but that's something to work on - to change. I've said this all along: a BA is not enough for me. The funding and all the other logistical stuff will just have to work out. That's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment