There's been so much going on, it's insane. And still everything's just in the process of being done. I don't have a clear idea of what I've actually achieved, if anything. Which is frustrating considering how drained I feel right now.
Even though it's the weekend, of course I ought to be working. I took most of yesterday off as I was on a bit of a downer. After pretty much forcing myself to go to Spanish to pick up our 300-word assignments, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The mark was disappointing, to say the least. 62. With comments suggesting that I need to improve my vocabulary/use "more words", and also my use of reflexive verbs. Considering that he hasn't taught us any vocab (which I've mentioned before) and we literally only just covered refelxive verbs this week, I think he's being a little unfair. It's all the more infuriating because if this, a low 2:1, is the line I'm on for my final grade, well then that's going to hold me back in my push for a 1st overall. He's making me despise Spanish, which isn't right. I'm not doing it next term. I can't give it the energy it needs. I'll learn some other time, some other way. I just have to stick it out for the next 5 weeks.
There are a couple of good things to come out of taking the class though (as well as it being at least a start to understanding the language). In looking for inspiration, I saw "El Espinazo Del Diablo" ("The Devil's Backbone") which is a very, very good film; and I discovered the Gipsy Kings, who fair enough aren't actually Spanish, they were just a lucky diversion in my hunt for Spanish music.
I also had another meeting with my supervisor, to discuss my new proposal (looking at how religious aspects influence the making of identity), which I was really happy with in the end. She said she liked it too, and there were only 2 comments on the revision which was up on her computer screen - they were just to do with the choice of words I'd used (see one of my older posts about how pedantic this subject/academia is). Then we got to talking about it. And gradually she made more and more changes, in the end suggesting that I ought to just choose one "event" to be my focus (i.e. powwows, or sweat lodges, or Sun Dances). It almost feels like slaughter - I found it hard enough to narrow it down from where it was to begin with. And I thought the whole point of anthropology was not to look at things in isolation. She wants me to decide on this before next week, so I have to get a move on.
It also disrupts the work I'd been putting into my Ethnicity & Nationalism essay. It's not due until the end of term, but I wanted to get it out the way. I'd been taking my time about it, but read all sorts of things that I could use in my arguments... however, looking back over what I've got, it all does seem too dispersed, and I don't think my research has been heading anywhere in particular. Another wasted effort, then.
This is why I get so apathetic about things, even when I know I really want to be enthusiatic. It's a defense mechanism.
It's not all bad news though, honestly. For one, Russell Means has had a miraculous recovery (see this video to hear from the man himself). And... well there are other things. One thing in particular, but it's not worth discussing right now. It's just potential. Just hope. And I'm probably deceiving myself again (not to mention the distraction). In fact, I watched another documentary this morning; The Importance of Being Morrissey. Morrissey is meant to be some kind of enigma, but I think I can relate to him in some ways. Particularly in his approach to human relationships. It is a sign of inner-stength, I feel, but it also complicates a lot of other things - like the thing I'm not discussing here. This is what I mean when I say I need a lyric - to express what I otherwise can't. I bet something of Morrissey's would work pretty well.
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| From clashmusic.com |
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