This has gotten to be a real problem now

When did I last write? A week ago? Two maybe? Because since then, I've been really out of sorts. Unable to focus on work, or anything at all in fact. That whole PhD thing must have just pushed me over the edge, but something's got to be done about this mini breakdown of mine. I'm all too aware of my deadlines - they're approaching and I'm doing nothing about it. I can't stress how important this year is, and I can see it all tumbling down, yet I'm still finding it hard to care. I just keep telling myself that it'll work out. It better had.

My mum came to visit me for a couple of days this week. I'm not sure why at this point. Don't get me wrong, it was nice having her here. But I can't help thinking it was partly just because she wanted to come, when originally I thought I had her worried about my lack luster outlook. We didn't talk about work. except my asking what she had to do whilst I was on campus (I still managed to go to classes, which is a plus). Actually, her being here may have just gotten in the way of the social side of things, which have also taken a turn for the worse recently. I never really see my friends now, excpet the one day a week that I have classes with them (even then it's sometimes only brief). They had lunch together on Wednesday, which I would have gone to as well had I not a mother to entertain. She didn't know, and I know she woldn't have made me stay with her, but it's just manners. Anyway, I know we can make up for that another time. And then there's the conference - I missed another meeting on Thursday. All I can say on that is I'm very much out the loop now and it's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fairly sure Tribe don't mind. I only complicated things by wanting it not to be "organised by Tribe". *shudder* Well, she's gone home now, and I don't know what the visit achieved. I still haven't done anything related to my degree (except fret over it).

I'm finding hard to recall exactly what I have done. Watched a lot of stuff and eaten a lot of crap. After me and my housemate Kay watched a DVD the other day (which we do far too often, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling to work), we went back to the TV, and the new Star Trek film was on. I've never watched the series, though I could recognise a few characters. I didn't expect to be so blown away by it. Mainly caused by the fact that I may be a tiny bit in love with Spock. Since then I did start to watch the series - I don't think I'll ever lose that obsessive side. Why did I never want to watch it before?! It might be a sci-fi from the 60s, but it's really soooo good.

So now I'm a Trekkie, huh? Taken from aboutmyrecovery.com's blog

 

Have I used any brain power at all, though? Perhaps. Usually while walking home my mind will wander. A recurring theme has been education. As I learn things on my course, I start to question why I never knew these things before, why I didn't learn them growing up. Obviously there are certain details I wouldn't expect a child to be taught - for instance in Southern Med last week, the topic was Israel, and I finally understand the situation there and the conflict with Palestine much better. Perhaps if I knew more about Judaism that issue would have been graspable at an earlier stage. But in general I just seem to have had a lack of awareness about global issues. What was I ever taught about the world? Maybe I just have a very bad memory, but I don't think we ever talked about foreign countries in primary school. It seems so important to me now. [What am I on about, "seems"?] I often think about language, and how I never got anywhere with Spanish, and I'm forgetting my Japanese. I believe everyone should speak 2 languages, at least. English may be very widely spoken, but it's only fair that we make an effort too, no? It's very difficult to get into now, now that English is so natural and everything else... not. I also think everyone should play an instrument, as it's an artform that uses intelligence. I remember the music classes in school - they start everyone on the recorder, and there may be a few tamborines scattered about, but not much else. I only learned the violin because of the influence of a friend's family (who were very musical) and my mother's force. But even then, the violin is very predictable for this country. I now want to play the erhu, which is Chinese - how would ever have known of that instrument's existence without the experiences I've had in the last few years? (I should explain - I first saw it in Saiunkoku Monogatari, my favourite anime - a Japanese medium I only got into because of friends who watched it - I didn't know what it was before). That then makes me question, why do other people know about these things, and not me? Maybe it's been my family. We are 'common'. And we aren't alone in that. But it doesn't justify it. If only school had opened my eyes instead of fixing me in this routine of doing what's required and just passing tests.

I still don't have an answer as to why I don't want to do anything lately.

I'm scared that I'm throwing it all away.

Chaos

This term... what to say about this term... we're 1/3 of the way there, which is scary when I look at how much work I have to do. But right now, I'm in stasis, and unfortunately it's not of the I just don't care type. Last week was hell. Or was it? I feel like hell now, but maybe that just means last week was unnecessarily eventful. I'll get straight to it:

   I went to see my supervisor on Monday, after she emailed me to check-up. She beat me to the punch. I had nothing to show her, and I panicked about how little I'd read over the past couple of months, but when I actually went to see her it was fine. She's so lovely. And for some bizzarre reason trusts me. She just wanted to see the new abstract, which I could do since I'm pretty much ready to write my whole introduction; I just haven't. The other thing she really wanted to speak to me about was applying for post-grad - she wanted to recommend me for an ESRC scholarship at Kent that would cover all my fees and give me a living stipend (on which I could do research) for the 4 years it would take to get a PhD. That's amazing, right?! However, as we know here, I was thinking of going elsewhere for postgrad, and of giving myself a break to try something new and figure it all out... but I was flattered she thought so highly of me. Then we had a dep't meeting on Wednesday (obvs. I was there as course rep), and afterwards, the head of school approached me about the same issue. The Head of School! This man doesn't know me very well, probably only by face, but for him to come to me about it and not other people, it was clear they must have been dicussing it.

   So this is an avenue to seriously consider, right? To be able to research what I want to research and not worry about funding is the ultimate opportunity. But, oh yeah, I should have mentioned that the deadline for said funding is the 10th Feb. The issue had really been atthe back of my mind until then, and so to come up with something amazing in the next week was a bit... 0_0 Of course this deadline also makes me question their moivations for really pushing me now, why didnt' they suggest it sooner? Anyway, I put my research hat on and spent the next few days figuring out how it all worked and what I could possibly do. I didn't know who to turn to for questions. I emailed my supervisor once but her reply was quite short and she recommended I send a draft proposal to another member of staff, who is convenor of the Visual MA I was consindering doing. This guy's on study leave and doesn't really know me either, I didn't quite feel comfortable with that - plus I didn't have a draft to send. And I thought the proposal was for the PhD, not the MA, so I still don't understand the logic. Then I met with a friend, Lynn, who is also applying. She'd already come up with her proposal as she'd been applying for some other universities, but again was asked to apply to Kent quite late on. But she was willing to help me understand the process. She told me I'm supposed to have applied to and been accepted by Kent before I apply for the funding, which would mean I'd need to have that done by, well, today. More pressure then.

   I locked myself away for the rest of the weekend. My supervisor had said I could just extend my undergrad project, which makes it sound easy. For one though, I wouldn't actually want to research the NAC - anthropologists are disliked enough already without dealing with something so sensitive as religion. And in order to sell ny project to the funding board, I'd have to prove why it's a unique project and needs doing. That's where it gets really difficult. There are entire degrees relate to Native American Studies (I know, I want to do one) and I imagine very little that hasn't been done. But hat's just it: I don't know. The amount I've already learned this year is astounding, and that's just in one aspect of Great Plains life (if I can generalise for now). I thought maybe I'd be better suited to studying urban Indians and their connections with the larger tribal community, but again this is new to me and I know nothing about it. I looked up books, and yes, they exist. It doesn't mean I can't do it, as in fact it's better that there's information to be found and be built on, but without having started researching the area how am I meant to find my niche?

  Well, I got stressed. Very stressed. After speaking to my mum on Sunday, she said it was very clear that I'm not ready yet. I'm not. Not when I'm going to have to find everything out by myself from scratch. That's why I was looking at going to the States in the first place; that's where the knowledge is - for some reason it just hasn't come to this country. So if this weekend alone is a snapshot of what my postgrad years would be like, then I don't want it. But I had dared myself to imagine getting the money, and going out to Oklahoma to meet some Comanche (it makes sense to me to carry on with them when I finally do get to do research). So I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day watching films/documentaries, and sulking. I perhaps didn't realise quite how strained I'd been until I went to bed and inexplicably started crying.

   This actually makes me angry. I was pretty much sorted with my (none) plan. Why did they have to come to me with this offer? If they'd never mentioned it I would have been fine. My supervisor knew I wanted to wait/go elsewhere. They must have had pressure from the higher-ups to get more people signed up. But this isn't a game - it's my goddamn future. And now, feeling shit as I am, like I'm wasting an opportunity or something, I'm behind with work [you've no idea how much work I was going to crank out this weekend before this distraction] Above all else this year should be a priority. It isn't going well.

Now, a lot more has (probably) happened since I last wrote. I've watched a lot of decent films. Yesterday was Lantana with Geoffry Rush, which I really recommend.

   Oh and I also had that phone interview: it went terribly. It wasn't advertised as a sales job, although I had the impression it was a part of it - I saw it more as a service (recruitment), which is what I replied when she asked how I felt about working in a sales environment. I wouldn't have wanted that job anyway to be honest, so I don't care too much. It just makes me worry about what I'll actually do next year since I definitely won't be studying.

   There's also that conference, which has slipped to the back of my mind. It's hard to know how well it's going, as it's still very much an 'inside' thing it seems. I've given up trying to send emails. People aren't dealing with them.

I should at least today go up to campus for my only lecture at 4. It snowed this weekend. I dont want to walk up that hill. But I have to get back on track... Wish me luck.