Chaos

This term... what to say about this term... we're 1/3 of the way there, which is scary when I look at how much work I have to do. But right now, I'm in stasis, and unfortunately it's not of the I just don't care type. Last week was hell. Or was it? I feel like hell now, but maybe that just means last week was unnecessarily eventful. I'll get straight to it:

   I went to see my supervisor on Monday, after she emailed me to check-up. She beat me to the punch. I had nothing to show her, and I panicked about how little I'd read over the past couple of months, but when I actually went to see her it was fine. She's so lovely. And for some bizzarre reason trusts me. She just wanted to see the new abstract, which I could do since I'm pretty much ready to write my whole introduction; I just haven't. The other thing she really wanted to speak to me about was applying for post-grad - she wanted to recommend me for an ESRC scholarship at Kent that would cover all my fees and give me a living stipend (on which I could do research) for the 4 years it would take to get a PhD. That's amazing, right?! However, as we know here, I was thinking of going elsewhere for postgrad, and of giving myself a break to try something new and figure it all out... but I was flattered she thought so highly of me. Then we had a dep't meeting on Wednesday (obvs. I was there as course rep), and afterwards, the head of school approached me about the same issue. The Head of School! This man doesn't know me very well, probably only by face, but for him to come to me about it and not other people, it was clear they must have been dicussing it.

   So this is an avenue to seriously consider, right? To be able to research what I want to research and not worry about funding is the ultimate opportunity. But, oh yeah, I should have mentioned that the deadline for said funding is the 10th Feb. The issue had really been atthe back of my mind until then, and so to come up with something amazing in the next week was a bit... 0_0 Of course this deadline also makes me question their moivations for really pushing me now, why didnt' they suggest it sooner? Anyway, I put my research hat on and spent the next few days figuring out how it all worked and what I could possibly do. I didn't know who to turn to for questions. I emailed my supervisor once but her reply was quite short and she recommended I send a draft proposal to another member of staff, who is convenor of the Visual MA I was consindering doing. This guy's on study leave and doesn't really know me either, I didn't quite feel comfortable with that - plus I didn't have a draft to send. And I thought the proposal was for the PhD, not the MA, so I still don't understand the logic. Then I met with a friend, Lynn, who is also applying. She'd already come up with her proposal as she'd been applying for some other universities, but again was asked to apply to Kent quite late on. But she was willing to help me understand the process. She told me I'm supposed to have applied to and been accepted by Kent before I apply for the funding, which would mean I'd need to have that done by, well, today. More pressure then.

   I locked myself away for the rest of the weekend. My supervisor had said I could just extend my undergrad project, which makes it sound easy. For one though, I wouldn't actually want to research the NAC - anthropologists are disliked enough already without dealing with something so sensitive as religion. And in order to sell ny project to the funding board, I'd have to prove why it's a unique project and needs doing. That's where it gets really difficult. There are entire degrees relate to Native American Studies (I know, I want to do one) and I imagine very little that hasn't been done. But hat's just it: I don't know. The amount I've already learned this year is astounding, and that's just in one aspect of Great Plains life (if I can generalise for now). I thought maybe I'd be better suited to studying urban Indians and their connections with the larger tribal community, but again this is new to me and I know nothing about it. I looked up books, and yes, they exist. It doesn't mean I can't do it, as in fact it's better that there's information to be found and be built on, but without having started researching the area how am I meant to find my niche?

  Well, I got stressed. Very stressed. After speaking to my mum on Sunday, she said it was very clear that I'm not ready yet. I'm not. Not when I'm going to have to find everything out by myself from scratch. That's why I was looking at going to the States in the first place; that's where the knowledge is - for some reason it just hasn't come to this country. So if this weekend alone is a snapshot of what my postgrad years would be like, then I don't want it. But I had dared myself to imagine getting the money, and going out to Oklahoma to meet some Comanche (it makes sense to me to carry on with them when I finally do get to do research). So I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day watching films/documentaries, and sulking. I perhaps didn't realise quite how strained I'd been until I went to bed and inexplicably started crying.

   This actually makes me angry. I was pretty much sorted with my (none) plan. Why did they have to come to me with this offer? If they'd never mentioned it I would have been fine. My supervisor knew I wanted to wait/go elsewhere. They must have had pressure from the higher-ups to get more people signed up. But this isn't a game - it's my goddamn future. And now, feeling shit as I am, like I'm wasting an opportunity or something, I'm behind with work [you've no idea how much work I was going to crank out this weekend before this distraction] Above all else this year should be a priority. It isn't going well.

Now, a lot more has (probably) happened since I last wrote. I've watched a lot of decent films. Yesterday was Lantana with Geoffry Rush, which I really recommend.

   Oh and I also had that phone interview: it went terribly. It wasn't advertised as a sales job, although I had the impression it was a part of it - I saw it more as a service (recruitment), which is what I replied when she asked how I felt about working in a sales environment. I wouldn't have wanted that job anyway to be honest, so I don't care too much. It just makes me worry about what I'll actually do next year since I definitely won't be studying.

   There's also that conference, which has slipped to the back of my mind. It's hard to know how well it's going, as it's still very much an 'inside' thing it seems. I've given up trying to send emails. People aren't dealing with them.

I should at least today go up to campus for my only lecture at 4. It snowed this weekend. I dont want to walk up that hill. But I have to get back on track... Wish me luck.