When did I last write? A week ago? Two maybe? Because since then, I've been really out of sorts. Unable to focus on work, or anything at all in fact. That whole PhD thing must have just pushed me over the edge, but something's got to be done about this mini breakdown of mine. I'm all too aware of my deadlines - they're approaching and I'm doing nothing about it. I can't stress how important this year is, and I can see it all tumbling down, yet I'm still finding it hard to care. I just keep telling myself that it'll work out. It better had.
My mum came to visit me for a couple of days this week. I'm not sure why at this point. Don't get me wrong, it was nice having her here. But I can't help thinking it was partly just because she wanted to come, when originally I thought I had her worried about my lack luster outlook. We didn't talk about work. except my asking what she had to do whilst I was on campus (I still managed to go to classes, which is a plus). Actually, her being here may have just gotten in the way of the social side of things, which have also taken a turn for the worse recently. I never really see my friends now, excpet the one day a week that I have classes with them (even then it's sometimes only brief). They had lunch together on Wednesday, which I would have gone to as well had I not a mother to entertain. She didn't know, and I know she woldn't have made me stay with her, but it's just manners. Anyway, I know we can make up for that another time. And then there's the conference - I missed another meeting on Thursday. All I can say on that is I'm very much out the loop now and it's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fairly sure Tribe don't mind. I only complicated things by wanting it not to be "organised by Tribe". *shudder* Well, she's gone home now, and I don't know what the visit achieved. I still haven't done anything related to my degree (except fret over it).
I'm finding hard to recall exactly what I have done. Watched a lot of stuff and eaten a lot of crap. After me and my housemate Kay watched a DVD the other day (which we do far too often, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling to work), we went back to the TV, and the new Star Trek film was on. I've never watched the series, though I could recognise a few characters. I didn't expect to be so blown away by it. Mainly caused by the fact that I may be a tiny bit in love with Spock. Since then I did start to watch the series - I don't think I'll ever lose that obsessive side. Why did I never want to watch it before?! It might be a sci-fi from the 60s, but it's really soooo good.
 | |
| So now I'm a Trekkie, huh? Taken from aboutmyrecovery.com's blog |
Have I used any brain power at all, though? Perhaps. Usually while walking home my mind will wander. A recurring theme has been education. As I learn things on my course, I start to question why I never knew these things before, why I didn't learn them growing up. Obviously there are certain details I wouldn't expect a child to be taught - for instance in Southern Med last week, the topic was Israel, and I finally understand the situation there and the conflict with Palestine much better. Perhaps if I knew more about Judaism that issue would have been graspable at an earlier stage. But in general I just seem to have had a lack of awareness about global issues. What was I ever taught about the world? Maybe I just have a very bad memory, but I don't think we ever talked about foreign countries in primary school. It seems so important to me now. [What am I on about, "seems"?] I often think about language, and how I never got anywhere with Spanish, and I'm forgetting my Japanese. I believe everyone should speak 2 languages, at least. English may be very widely spoken, but it's only fair that we make an effort too, no? It's very difficult to get into now, now that English is so natural and everything else... not. I also think everyone should play an instrument, as it's an artform that uses intelligence. I remember the music classes in school - they start everyone on the recorder, and there may be a few tamborines scattered about, but not much else. I only learned the violin because of the influence of a friend's family (who were very musical) and my mother's force. But even then, the violin is very predictable for this country. I now want to play the erhu, which is Chinese - how would ever have known of that instrument's existence without the experiences I've had in the last few years? (I should explain - I first saw it in Saiunkoku Monogatari, my favourite anime - a Japanese medium I only got into because of friends who watched it - I didn't know what it was before). That then makes me question, why do other people know about these things, and not me? Maybe it's been my family. We are 'common'. And we aren't alone in that. But it doesn't justify it. If only school had opened my eyes instead of fixing me in this routine of doing what's required and just passing tests.
I still don't have an answer as to why I don't want to do anything lately.
I'm scared that I'm throwing it all away.
No comments:
Post a Comment