Alright, it's not exact. But considering I haven't even thought about the blog for the past year, it's an odd coincidence that I did so now. And what a year it's been. What a horribly difficult fail of a year.
The Masters? I started it, and decided to get the compulsory modules out the way first, moving on to the stuff that interested me later, where I could work it into a dissertation; which meant that all I was studying for the first term was the history of theory, and more ethnographies... And I had all the exact issues I'd been having in the years before. I couldn't focus on any of it, I just couldn't see why it was relevant, and I didn't care to try hard enough. To make it worse, as for the other people on the course, they were not from an anthropological background - mainly English Literature or Philosophy, oddly enough - and they were so enthusiastic! I heard them saying things like "well I'm very familiar with Emile Durkheim" or "Margaret Meade seems to have an interesting approach". My internal monologue was: "the names ring a bell, I at least recognize those after three/four years of study, but I've no idea what you're on about". So there was a whole inferiority thing, too. Added on to the perpetual dread of having a bank loan looming over my shoulders, it just wasn't worth it. I knew I'd panicked. I said so a year ago.
So I withdrew, quickly, to minimize the loss in tuition. Thing is, I'd actually been "paired up" with a girl from Arizona - she was Navajo - for our "group supervision" meetings, and they knew exactly what they were doing when they paired me with her since they knew my interests. So that's a bit of a loss. And in the time I was there, we read an ethnography on the Scottish community in one of the Carolinas (I don't remember which) and how their idea of the Auld country influenced their identity. I'd recently become very interested in Celtic heritage, which was something else I *could* have explored. I did actually manage to get a part-time job, too. So in theory, everything might have worked. But it felt wrong.
I stuck to the job. I was a secretary at the company my auntie works for (no secrets as to how I managed to get it, then). Actually, I'd managed to get one before that, as an "Arts & Heritage Attendant" at a local museum in Rochdale, but they'd taken far too long to sort out the contract, which was only casual anyway so had no guaranteed hours. Technically, I still work for them, but it's been almost a year and I only ever did 3 shifts. Anyway, the secretary job was in Manchester city centre - I loved the buzz of being there, walking around on my lunch breaks. It was on a temporary (maternity cover) contract, 25 hours a week, so I did well pay-wise because I didn't qualify for income-tax. But, it was a small office: just me, my auntie, and the boss (who was out on site/at meetings as often as he was actually around); and after I'd adjusted to the work, it all became very, very dull. I did the six months I'd initially agreed, and it was extended for a further three once the permanent secretary decided she wanted longer at home, but I felt like I had to move on. I had this desire to do stonemasonry...
[This is what happens when you go to all the historical places you've never been bothered to visit before. Well, in my case anyway. You can't say I'm anything if not eclectic]
I did a three day course in Lincoln, and loved it. But when I looked up the price of tools, thinking it could be something to do for myself, that came to a halt quite rapidly. This was at the end of May. Once I started looking for work again, I came accross a few museum/heritage internships, in time for the latest crop of graduates. There weren't a lot, but I was determined to get one, it would be just too perfect. So, even though I was unemployed, I wasn't signing on for benefits because they would tell me I wasn't doing enough to find work. I didn't want any work. I wanted that work. One by one, I was rejected. I got feedback after asking, and generally they said my application was strong and to keep trying, there were just people that met more criteria/had more experience. It's the worst way to lose out. How can you beat it? The last rejection I got was from an interview I consider myself lucky to have gotten for the Museum Galleries Scotland internships; mine being in Selkirk. Scotland! My heart was broken. I even managed to get an interview for the 3-month Leonardo Da Vinci programme, paid for wholly by the EU, in Slovakia. The criteria was simply based on your interests and whether they were able to find a place for you. I thought that would be fool-proof, since the town I'd be going to is the centre of cultural heritage within Slovakia. But, no.
Which basically brings us to now. Battered and bruised, I haven't had a clue what to do. I've basically failed at every turn.
So, I resorted to what I probably should have done as soon as I graduated. I'm using my savings and going abroad. Again, I wanted to do it in a sensible way, so no US holiday. I want to gain from it. With regret, that trip may have to wait a decade. I thought about a working visa for Canada, but turns out they're very restricted. Do you know where isn't restricted? New Zealand. So that's where I'm off next (November, to be precise).
We're roughly caught up now. Suprisingly, this is somewhat simplified. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to tell you about my personal skills crisis and how I'm trying to battle that., feeding into the general "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE??!!" point of this whole blog.
Still no answers.
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