Aspirations (Did I lose the ability to really dream? Or did I just get wise?)

So, I guess now is as good of a time as any to discuss my different ideas for what will happen in my life after I graduate, next year. This is the epitome of what I mean by limbo. I'll break this up into 3 general options, as that may possibly make the final decision easier closer to the time: these are Masters, Career or Internship/Work Abroad. The plan is to refer back to this throughout the year as I get more information and things become more concrete. We can see how things change then.

Masters

   I always wanted to carry on education for as long as possible. For my entire life, it's really all I've known (never having held down a job for very long). But that's lost it's appeal. Probably due to having been in it for so much time; and the fact that it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere. I could just get my BA and be done with it - start slowly working off my debt. Really though, that's not enough. The way things have gone, a Bachelor's really isn't worth anything anymore. So many people have them! Of course they have had to put the work in; it's not exactly easy. I just wish it was more prestigious (not by only making it available to those who can afford it). I always did well in school, it's clearly just the way I work. But I also know people who always struggled in school and still got a degree. So what does it even mean?

   Obviously, the further you go into education, the more specialist your studies are. Like I've mentioned briefly before, my interests (specifically in anthropology) lie in minority populations and questions of identity. And, as always, there's the draw with Plains Tribes. That's very do-able. Especially if I was to go to America where Native American Studies is available wildly - it's not very big here in the UK, understandably. I figured it would only make sense to go that far if it involved the possibility of some field research - so that rules out the coasts, and thus the 'bigger' unis (in CA and NY). I spent an obsessed week or so trawling through the internet, going State by State, to look for the best courses in areas that might work. I came up with a list of 14; 2 of my very favourites are Ball State U in Indiana, and New Mexico State U, for the flexibility they offer. Even then I'd say they were on the borders of the precise area I'd want to visit, but it's close enough *probably seriously underestimating the size of the country - again*. What I didn't take into consideration was the cost - I didn't dare. I already knew I couldn't afford it. But then I realised that with the way the system works in the US, it would probably take at least 2 years of study. Adding tuition fees and living expenses, in order to do this, I would need about £50k. Cheers. If it ever happens, I'm probably going to be at least 30, and by then I would already like to have a career.

   Speaking of which...

Career

   I've changed my mind so much about this question. My first ever dream, when I was just a kid, was to be a zoo keeper. I still wanted to do that when I finished college (and subsequently went to Northampton Uni/Moulton College for a year intending to do a BSc in Applied Animal Studies). I think I would still enjoy that even now, but what that one year taught me was that I'm not made for any kind of practical work. Especially not with sheep. Goats have always hated me too... Ruminants... Where does that leave me with buffalo?? Anyway, I had to get more realistic about what I would do. More important to keep in mind was that I had to be happy in what I was doing. Otherwise there's no point. And ultimately, what I want is the freedom to travel. If that means having the money to do so, then so be it - but I'll never sell my soul (keep me away from the marketing world!).

   Somehow, I got the idea that HR could be a good option. I looked into it. Depending on the company, being ivolved in HR could mean a variety of things. Ultimately though, it stands for 'Human Relations', so it is dealing with people, and (in theory) making the work environment better. So it's appealing. And because it's business, it could include a considerable salary. But then again, because it's business, how much does the human element actually come into effect? It might also be impossible for me to break into since my degree straddles the social sciences and humanities. No economics at all (reckon I could reference Marcel Mauss "The Gift" in an interview? Or score some points with a fascinating overview of hunter-gatherer economies?). To be honest this is my most likely path - I'll go to the careers advisory in the next few months for help. They may actually be able to help me with this. They were never very good with handling some of my other ideas (even the zoo thing seemed ridiculous to them).

  Another idea, which I don't know whether it's even an official job or not, is in community development. It would probably be governmental, right? Hope that doesn't mean I should understand the ins and outs of politics. That's beyond me. If this is something I can pursue, then I really think it will have to take me out of England. There's no community here. Or, I've never experienced it. I've lived in the same house my entire life, but I don't know the neighbours, and I'm not sure there are any community centres or services around. That won't bode well in an interview. Perhaps I ought to be the person to try and introduce it, but I just don't have the heart for it. Not here, I mean. I don't know - I only got this idea after coming accross a fair few volunteer projects abroad in this field.

Internships/Work Abroad

   There are a million chances to volunteer overseas, in places that really need it... if you have thousands of pounds to spare. I have some savings, which would afford me a couple of months somewhere "exotic". But after my 7 month stint in Japan, I can really appreciate the benefits of being away for an extended period of time. I value the everyday; and anticipate the unknown becoming the known. So, if I want to go somewhere for a minimum of 6 months, then I am going to have to be paid whilst I'm there.

   Again, America crossed my mind - Native communities. But I can't expect for places as poor as that to put me up somewhere and then to pay me. They need volunteers. I would happily do that on the side of work, if travelling to the reservations (or community centres for those tribes who don't have any land left) was viable. The only things I could find that are really nearby are in some of the national parks; working in either the forestry department or catering & hospitality. It doesn't... excite me in any way (other that that I'd be in a national park - that would be phenomenal). It's an option though. Something else that came up was internships at businesses in the big cities. Well - that could be my first link to a potential HR career. And I would like to go to New York. It's not the plains, but there is something magical about it. Anything in the States is bound to be competitive. I'll definitely try. At the end of the day, if I just want out of the country for a while, then I can always teach English. Don't think I'd make a very good teacher, but English is my language! Surely that can't go catastrophically wrong! In particular - this one programme in Guatemala stood out to me. It involves community deveopment, and you can get a BTEC in leadership, too. I don't speak a word of Spanish, but I plan to take classes next year. You can go to so many places if you speak Spanish...

Like everything else right now, I just don't know what's going to happen. But these are all options. They're far from inconceivable. It's just a case of making it happen (not everything, but you get the drift). I wonder what things happen to different people in their lives that puts them on whatever tracks. There are just so many options! And for some people, none of this is even important. They just want to get by comfortably, and that's fine. I couldn't do it. Maybe I'm just greedy.

Inspiration

Last night, me and my brother watched the BBC4 special American: The Bill Hicks Story. It was something seriously powerful. I've seen some of his stand-up before, and it's not that I disliked it at all, I just didn't find it that funny. After this, however, and now knowing a little of his life history, all of a sudden I seem to have this brand new awareness and appreciation for him. Maybe the problem before was that I understood him too much, without even realising it. His observations about American society shouldn't really be funny; but then I guess you do have to take it with a pinch of salt, or else you might just become suicidal. What struck me most in the programme was how much I felt I could relate to Bill - not so much in what he did, because in that respect we couldn't be more different; but just in the way he saw things. I won't ever know, because we'll never meet. Not in this lifetime.

Anyway, this is just the way that I understand him. Example: When he did drugs (specifically mushrooms), which altered his consciousness, he became aware of the connected-ness of things, and what makes us fundamentally human - "love". (It's hard to use that word and feel serious at the same time - why is that?). This basic system of humanity is undermined by all our institutions, designed to help us function 'better', but not really effective anymore. Bill felt that we've simply evolved past them; they are defunct. I get that, I get all of it. Even without the drugs. Perhaps one of the benefits of having eyes as pale as mine is that the pupils are in a constant state of dilation. At least compared to everyone else's. And no this isn't based on any kind of science. Try to take everything I say with a pinch of salt, too.

Another thing mentioned was how he just interpreted things differently, like the Waco, TX siege of 1993. I get that, too. Like, most recently here in England, we had to deal with those riots (analysed in a somewhat typical fashion by The Daily Mail). Granted, it's not on the same scale of the Waco event. But it spread around the country; that says something, doesn't it? So many people's gut reactions to the whole event was "the rioters are simple thugs", "it's just opportunism", "they're morally bankrupt". It sickens me. Not that I ever condone violence, but whatever situations these individuals have found themselves in is what drove them to action. Not that I believe they were explicitly making a poltical statement, either. It's just visceral. What's worse is what came after that: the government's input. Especially because this government is Tory. It's all about the punishment! They blame the lack there-of; because of course the under-class, the majority, must be controlled. Let's go back to the good ol' days, eh? I'm sure we'd all rather have the cain, child labour and capitol punishment any day, right?

Victorian mill. Taken from the blog Lisa's History Room

We've evolved.

Apparently, a lot of people have respect for Bill Hicks because of his bravery. Bravery? I don't know. It was a different time and place. Perhaps. He's just telling truths - that ought to be easy. It's certainly the way I intend to do things. Honesty, honestly. I started writing this post because I was inspired. Inspired by one man's sincere social commentary. I can do that. And I will. Whenever inspiration strikes. I might not be the most intelligent person, and you might not think my writing's the most artistic. That's fine - I'm not trying to impress anyone. This is just how I think. And thought is a process, subject to change the more you learn. Don't let egos or affiliations get in the way of truths. There can be a lot of complexities involved in that, but really, they're so basic.

Where were we?

Seriously! 2nd post in and I just don't have a clue what I'm writing. Just rambling inner monologues for now. I'm better than this... we'll get there.

You know how I mentioned the One Spirit charity I wanted to help out with? Well I'm in the Okini programme (Lakota: sharing) now. It's a list of families on the res and the things they most need. I chose who I would help, based on what and when they last received things, and what I felt I could actually do. I did my best, but don't feel like it's enough. But I spent £80 on things for them, and it's costing £40 to ship the box! Just waiting for them to come pick it up now. I wanted to do this regularly, but doubt that's really possible. I'll look into buying things from US companies and having them sent direct to the houses instead. I also wrote a letter to the family to introduce myself, and hope for a reply. Not for gratitude or anything though. Maybe I see it as networking, kind of: My way in. That's really selfish, I know. I do mean well, but I'm so scared of offending anyone! Native Americans distrust 'outsiders', and they're entitled to that. Turns out they hate anthropologists too, because such studies were used to undermine the people being studied. Fair enough.
   Where-in lies the difference between us: Their history is one of many hardships; assimilation possibly being the most destructive aspect. Yet they've held on to a strong sense of identity. That's what I admire and what I want to understand more. My history (or more generally - that of whites - not me personally) is one of power, domination, and these horrible inhumane acts. But it means nothing to be English. (Unless you're racist. That's something I'll explore another day). So what am I supposed to do? Is that so unbridgeable? I have a lot to learn, but I won't fully believe anything until I go and see or live it for myself. I'm doing my final year project on Lakota identity - possibly comparing it with Comanche just for another dimension - but I've been very lazy about that so far. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Like I said before, nothing's really started yet, and I feel powerless to do anything about that.

Still going strong: a powwow in 2005. Taken from clevelandpeople.com

Anyway, what else is going on? Not much. I'm moving back to Canterbury in just under 2 weeks. I'm sharing a house with 3 other people - strangers, really, but that's fine, it's nothing I haven't dealt with before. Getting the house itself was a fiasco. Being a student city, there are always a lot of people looking, but being a small city then makes it very competetive. You should really have your place sorted around February or March. Obvioulsy, I was in Japan then, as were the people I was likely going to live with (since everyone else we had known from our course has graduated now). We decided to look as a group of 3; and I was looking for houses quite a lot whilst staying in Tokyo. Then one of us was offered a cheaper room with someone she knew back there, leaving just 2 of us. It was impossible to find an affordable 2-bed house, and grouping up with another couple of people was proving fruitless, so we've both ended up filling rooms. That wasn't too tough, but then my first house fell through because I couldn't get in touch with the landlord. So I found another house. Bear in mind that I haven't actually seen any of these houses, (except for pictures, and there's no saying that they're representative) since I was either on the other side of the world, or the other side of the country - a country where it's more expensive to travel domestically than to fly somewhere in Europe. So I haven't signed anything either, but at least I've paid a deposit! Just have to make sure bills and contents insurance get sorted in time.
   I can't help but wonder though, after all the hassle, what it's actually going to be like to live there. My 2nd year house was a dive to be honest, so it can't really be worse. The people will really make it a home too. I don't want to screw that up for myself again! I do have hermit tendencies... and then complain about always being alone.

I know I'm not really saying much, even though I'm using a lot of words. It's interesting that I started this blog as a sort of way to record my final year of being in limbo - but these past few months have been the limbo of limbos, since really that year doesn't start 'til uni starts. That is: if I'm defined as being a student, surely that only applies when I'm studying. Other than that I'm nothing and there is nothing. Just too much thought. It's no wonder I'm a bit of an insomniac at the moment.

I'll leave you now with a song I rediscovered a couple of days ago. Really beautiful. Enjoy.

Good Lord!! I've been here for just about 5 months already... (or: Introductions)

So, it's summer. That means no uni. But of course, I haven't been in uni since the end of March. I'd been studying at Kansai Gaidai in Osaka, Japan, since the end of August 2010. Which is amazing. I made the decision to return home early in the weeks following the 9.0 quake, the resultant tsunami and Fukushima nuclear... disaster. I thought about it a lot - it was Nihon! And I don't want to regret that decision. But this is just a ridiculous and uncomfortable amount of time to be home.

One thing I miss from Japan: Arashi 嵐. Ever genki.
Taken from DramaCafe's blog; who took it from Last.fm

My aunt had some 50th birthday celebrations during this break, where I met some relatives for pretty much the first time (they'd met me as a child, but I don't remember). One of them said something that really struck a chord - every time I come home, it's like I'm going backwards. Even though it's where I've lived since I was born, and is the place I feel most 'safe', really it's my dad's house. I've got no responsibilities to it. I don't have to think about anything. What's worse is that I don't have anything to do outside of the house either!

Since I knew I had 5 months to kill, getting a job seemed like a good option. This is something I've not been able to do the other 4 years I've been at uni because although the breaks in between terms are long, they're not long enough for a company to want to hire me. They want the commitment. I still had my doubts, but went about looking anyway. Suprisingly, soon after, I got invited for an initial meeting at a marketing company (it was that vague - I really had no idea what they did) and then again for an observation day, and then, I got the job! Do you know what the job was? I was a door-to-door 'energy consultant'. Anyone who knows me knows that that is a nightmare situation for me. But it was a job, one that I'd never considered, and I wanted to try. After a week of intensive office-based training, and learning that they were 12hr working days (including shorter hours on a Saturday) with commission based pay, I got my ID card and was ready to go out in the field. Not alone - you're always with someone at least the first day. I was with the boss: the top man: owner of the Manchester-based branch. I actually felt privileged, and he was the most charming man. Of course he was - this is sales. But frankly, I couldn't do it. It was killing me, knocking on people's doors, trying to push for them to sign, and generally bothering them (as I saw it). And I wasn't earning anything. I lost the enthusiasm pretty quickly. My boss must have thought I was the most negative person. Why he didn't fire me is beyond me, but in fact he made it incredibly difficult for me to quit. So I just stopped turning up. I'm sure he's got the hint by now...

Another reason for quitting was all of the time it consumed. I did have one other important thing to do: a 5000 word essay to make up the credit I was missing from leaving Japan early. I got pretty much free choice in terms of what it was about, as long as it related to what I had been doing out there to some extent. Funnily enough, even though we were up to midterms at KG, I didn't feel like I'd learned anything that semester (except the beginnings of keigo formality in the 日本語 language class). So I went with what interests me most: marginalised/minority populations and identity. I put that in the framework of religion, which both focuses it and makes it easier, and contrasted with 'mainstream' practices. By the end of it I found 5000 words a squash and had to cut out my entire burakumin section. But I did really struggle to get there - I completely lost motivation for it, and in general the concept of education. This isn't helped by the fact that almost 2 months later I'm still waiting for a mark and comments. Am I even any good at this whole game? I think I could be (if I worked harder), and have considered Master's - the whole discussion about what I do after next year is an incredibly long one, and I'll write about that another time (for myself more than anyone else... sorry).

This brings us to July. By now I've got just 2 months left. Definitely can't get another job now.

Richard Lewis.
Taken from northjersey.com

Y'know what? That whole month's a blank right now - shows just how important it must have been. I probably just did a whole lot of thinking and self-reflecting, which is now lost in the labyrinth of my mind. See the potential benefit of me writing stuff down?? It's astonishing the amount of time I'm able to waste. Unfortunately it isn't guilt free. But I am able to enjoy myself a little too! I finally got round to changing whatever settings it was on my browser (like I understand the technicalities) which enables me to watch The Colbert Report and The Daily Show even in the UK - that's a real gift. My brother bought the full boxset of Curb Your Enthusiasm which I've gotten really into, and has intoduced me to the comedy likes of Richard Lewis. I've also watched a whole load of films - mainly foreign. Or seemingly so.

Russell Means.
Taken from freedomkeys.com

None of this is worthwhile though. I started to wallow in self-pity again recently. Where is my meaning? And then I came accross the 'non-profit' One Spirit whose aim is native progress, specifically on the reservations in South Dakota. For whatever reason, I feel a particular affiliation with these people (Lakota), and they're the drive behind my studying Social Anthropology. So I'm doing what I can to get involved now. I also learned that Russell Means - an inspirational Lakota leader and actor - is battling cancer but struggling for funds. So I gave what I could there, too. I've never really given to charity before, because I wouldn't say I'm really in a position to, without a job. This time though, because I ended my year early, I was left with a substantial amount from my loan.

You'd think that would allow fo rme to do loads, make the most of the long break. However, I don't really have a social life (especially here in Manchester). Of the few people I managed to see, I only met up with them once. Makes me question whether I really have friends or just friendly acquaintances. Why's that? Something about me pushes people away. The neuroticism, most likely. And I'm in this terrible mindset that nothing that's here & now matters - my life hasn't started yet! So maybe I don't value people enough. I don't know, it's a mess. I really hope this little project will be helpful in making sense of things (a kind of self therapy?)

Anyway, here's to giving myself some purpose!