So, it's summer. That means no uni. But of course, I haven't been in uni since the end of March. I'd been studying at Kansai Gaidai in Osaka, Japan, since the end of August 2010. Which is amazing. I made the decision to return home early in the weeks following the 9.0 quake, the resultant tsunami and Fukushima nuclear... disaster. I thought about it a lot - it was Nihon! And I don't want to regret that decision. But this is just a ridiculous and uncomfortable amount of time to be home.
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| One thing I miss from Japan: Arashi 嵐. Ever genki. Taken from DramaCafe's blog; who took it from Last.fm |
My aunt had some 50th birthday celebrations during this break, where I met some relatives for pretty much the first time (they'd met me as a child, but I don't remember). One of them said something that really struck a chord - every time I come home, it's like I'm going backwards. Even though it's where I've lived since I was born, and is the place I feel most 'safe', really it's my dad's house. I've got no responsibilities to it. I don't have to think about anything. What's worse is that I don't have anything to do outside of the house either!
Since I knew I had 5 months to kill, getting a job seemed like a good option. This is something I've not been able to do the other 4 years I've been at uni because although the breaks in between terms are long, they're not long enough for a company to want to hire me. They want the commitment. I still had my doubts, but went about looking anyway. Suprisingly, soon after, I got invited for an initial meeting at a marketing company (it was that vague - I really had no idea what they did) and then again for an observation day, and then, I got the job! Do you know what the job was? I was a door-to-door 'energy consultant'. Anyone who knows me knows that that is a nightmare situation for me. But it was a job, one that I'd never considered, and I wanted to try. After a week of intensive office-based training, and learning that they were 12hr working days (including shorter hours on a Saturday) with commission based pay, I got my ID card and was ready to go out in the field. Not alone - you're always with someone at least the first day. I was with the boss: the top man: owner of the Manchester-based branch. I actually felt privileged, and he was the most charming man. Of course he was - this is sales. But frankly, I couldn't do it. It was killing me, knocking on people's doors, trying to push for them to sign, and generally bothering them (as I saw it). And I wasn't earning anything. I lost the enthusiasm pretty quickly. My boss must have thought I was the most negative person. Why he didn't fire me is beyond me, but in fact he made it incredibly difficult for me to quit. So I just stopped turning up. I'm sure he's got the hint by now...
Another reason for quitting was all of the time it consumed. I did have one other important thing to do: a 5000 word essay to make up the credit I was missing from leaving Japan early. I got pretty much free choice in terms of what it was about, as long as it related to what I had been doing out there to some extent. Funnily enough, even though we were up to midterms at KG, I didn't feel like I'd learned anything that semester (except the beginnings of keigo formality in the 日本語 language class). So I went with what interests me most: marginalised/minority populations and identity. I put that in the framework of religion, which both focuses it and makes it easier, and contrasted with 'mainstream' practices. By the end of it I found 5000 words a squash and had to cut out my entire burakumin section. But I did really struggle to get there - I completely lost motivation for it, and in general the concept of education. This isn't helped by the fact that almost 2 months later I'm still waiting for a mark and comments. Am I even any good at this whole game? I think I could be (if I worked harder), and have considered Master's - the whole discussion about what I do after next year is an incredibly long one, and I'll write about that another time (for myself more than anyone else... sorry).
This brings us to July. By now I've got just 2 months left. Definitely can't get another job now.
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| Richard Lewis. Taken from northjersey.com |
Y'know what? That whole month's a blank right now - shows just how important it must have been. I probably just did a whole lot of thinking and self-reflecting, which is now lost in the labyrinth of my mind. See the potential benefit of me writing stuff down?? It's astonishing the amount of time I'm able to waste. Unfortunately it isn't guilt free. But I am able to enjoy myself a little too! I finally got round to changing whatever settings it was on my browser (like I understand the technicalities) which enables me to watch The Colbert Report and The Daily Show even in the UK - that's a real gift. My brother bought the full boxset of Curb Your Enthusiasm which I've gotten really into, and has intoduced me to the comedy likes of Richard Lewis. I've also watched a whole load of films - mainly foreign. Or seemingly so.
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| Russell Means. Taken from freedomkeys.com |
None of this is worthwhile though. I started to wallow in self-pity again recently. Where is my meaning? And then I came accross the 'non-profit' One Spirit whose aim is native progress, specifically on the reservations in South Dakota. For whatever reason, I feel a particular affiliation with these people (Lakota), and they're the drive behind my studying Social Anthropology. So I'm doing what I can to get involved now. I also learned that Russell Means - an inspirational Lakota leader and actor - is battling cancer but struggling for funds. So I gave what I could there, too. I've never really given to charity before, because I wouldn't say I'm really in a position to, without a job. This time though, because I ended my year early, I was left with a substantial amount from my loan.
You'd think that would allow fo rme to do loads, make the most of the long break. However, I don't really have a social life (especially here in Manchester). Of the few people I managed to see, I only met up with them once. Makes me question whether I really have friends or just friendly acquaintances. Why's that? Something about me pushes people away. The neuroticism, most likely. And I'm in this terrible mindset that nothing that's here & now matters - my life hasn't started yet! So maybe I don't value people enough. I don't know, it's a mess. I really hope this little project will be helpful in making sense of things (a kind of self therapy?)
Anyway, here's to giving myself some purpose!
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