Whilst we're Re-capping... let's speak "Purpose"

I went back to my first post from two years ago, and then read a couple more, until I've at least skimmed all my entries. I can't believe I set out just to document "my last year in limbo" - it's almost laughable! It has to be, otherwise it's actually quite depressing.

Two years later, I'm in much the same situation as I was then. I have my degree, and it hasn't changed a darned thing. If anything, now that reality has dawned on me a little more, mixed with the limits of the ongoing recession, my drive has diminished, and my focus is even more askew.

I can see how my knowledge has grown. Some of the early posts seem quite immature. Well, is it immature? Or just uninformed? I knew my interest in Native Americans was based in romanticism, but I was taking it seriously. It just reads a little... naiive, I guess is the word. Now I'm not so naiive, and I still believe that I won't really know anything about their lives until I get the chance to go there. And then what? I'm also now painfully aware how established Native American Studies is as a discipline, and feel it would be too much for me to catch-up whilst coming up with a unique research project, if I were to ever pursue anthropology again. So, is that written off?

What about practical career plans? It wasn't until late on in that "final year" that cultural heritage occurred to me as a potentially rewarding option. Considering I have no background in it, I've actually done alright to get some experience. But, with the latest set of rejections, coupled with the knowledge I already had about the industry relying on volunteers; whatever few paid positions they have tend to go to people with post-grad qualifications in a relevant subject (namely Museum Studies); I feel like I'm back to square one. This is essentially the same thing that happened when I realised I'd never get to work with animals.

I'm not short of ideas, I never have been. The problem is sticking with them, or if I don't want to simply put it down to my flakey-ness, the problem of affording to pursue them. I mentioned just yesterday that I'm going to write about my skills crisis, i.e the ways in which I've been looking to develop myself further. I will. That and more.

I just wanted to round things off.

And perhaps my going to New Zealand makes a little more sense.

I need new.

Accidental Anniversary!

Alright, it's not exact. But considering I haven't even thought about the blog for the past year, it's an odd coincidence that I did so now. And what a year it's been. What a horribly difficult fail of a year.

The Masters? I started it, and decided to get the compulsory modules out the way first, moving on to the stuff that interested me later, where I could work it into a dissertation; which meant that all I was studying for the first term was the history of theory, and more ethnographies... And I had all the exact issues I'd been having in the years before. I couldn't focus on any of it, I just couldn't see why it was relevant, and I didn't care to try hard enough. To make it worse, as for the other people on the course, they were not from an anthropological background - mainly English Literature or Philosophy, oddly enough - and they were so enthusiastic! I heard them saying things like "well I'm very familiar with Emile Durkheim" or "Margaret Meade seems to have an interesting approach". My internal monologue was: "the names ring a bell, I at least recognize those after three/four years of study, but I've no idea what you're on about". So there was a whole inferiority thing, too. Added on to the perpetual dread of having a bank loan looming over my shoulders, it just wasn't worth it. I knew I'd panicked. I said so a year ago.

So I withdrew, quickly, to minimize the loss in tuition. Thing is, I'd actually been "paired up" with a girl from Arizona - she was Navajo - for our "group supervision" meetings, and they knew exactly what they were doing when they paired me with her since they knew my interests. So that's a bit of a loss. And in the time I was there, we read an ethnography on the Scottish community in one of the Carolinas (I don't remember which) and how their idea of the Auld country influenced their identity. I'd recently become very interested in Celtic heritage, which was something else I *could* have explored. I did actually manage to get a part-time job, too. So in theory, everything might have worked. But it felt wrong.

I stuck to the job. I was a secretary at the company my auntie works for (no secrets as to how I managed to get it, then). Actually, I'd managed to get one before that, as an "Arts & Heritage Attendant" at a local museum in Rochdale, but they'd taken far too long to sort out the contract, which was only casual anyway so had no guaranteed hours. Technically, I still work for them, but it's been almost a year and I only ever did 3 shifts. Anyway, the secretary job was in Manchester city centre - I loved the buzz of being there, walking around on my lunch breaks. It was on a temporary (maternity cover) contract, 25 hours a week, so I did well pay-wise because I didn't qualify for income-tax. But, it was a small office: just me, my auntie, and the boss (who was out on site/at meetings as often as he was actually around); and after I'd adjusted to the work, it all became very, very dull. I did the six months I'd initially agreed, and it was extended for a further three once the permanent secretary decided she wanted longer at home, but I felt like I had to move on. I had this desire to do stonemasonry...

[This is what happens when you go to all the historical places you've never been bothered to visit before. Well, in my case anyway. You can't say I'm anything if not eclectic]

I did a three day course in Lincoln, and loved it. But when I looked up the price of tools, thinking it could be something to do for myself, that came to a halt quite rapidly. This was at the end of May. Once I started looking for work again, I came accross a few museum/heritage internships, in time for the latest crop of graduates. There weren't a lot, but I was determined to get one, it would be just too perfect. So, even though I was unemployed, I wasn't signing on for benefits because they would tell me I wasn't doing enough to find work. I didn't want any work. I wanted that work. One by one, I was rejected. I got feedback after asking, and generally they said my application was strong and to keep trying, there were just people that met more criteria/had more experience. It's the worst way to lose out. How can you beat it? The last rejection I got was from an interview I consider myself lucky to have gotten for the Museum Galleries Scotland internships; mine being in Selkirk. Scotland! My heart was broken. I even managed to get an interview for the 3-month Leonardo Da Vinci programme, paid for wholly by the EU, in Slovakia. The criteria was simply based on your interests and whether they were able to find a place for you. I thought that would be fool-proof, since the town I'd be going to is the centre of cultural heritage within Slovakia. But, no.

Which basically brings us to now. Battered and bruised, I haven't had a clue what to do. I've basically failed at every turn.

So, I resorted to what I probably should have done as soon as I graduated. I'm using my savings and going abroad. Again, I wanted to do it in a sensible way, so no US holiday. I want to gain from it. With regret, that trip may have to wait a decade. I thought about a working visa for Canada, but turns out they're very restricted. Do you know where isn't restricted? New Zealand. So that's where I'm off next (November, to be precise).

We're roughly caught up now. Suprisingly, this is somewhat simplified. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to tell you about my personal skills crisis and how I'm trying to battle that., feeding into the general "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE??!!" point of this whole blog.

Still no answers.

I never follow through on anything, do I?!

After re-reading my last post, I realise how long I've left it again, and how I never answered that foremost of questions at the time: how did I do?... I got a first! Ha. Very unexpected, and in a sense, I feel, undeserved. My average mark was 69 - same as my brother got, and he was awarded a 2:1. Pays off being a course rep in that sense, then. But it must be more than that - I think it was maybe as a sign of encouragement from the staff to carry on with anthropology, since I've always had the motivation but am just always so unsure.

Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. And just like the BA, it was quite a last-minute decision. After all my planning to take a break, to travel, after earning a bit of money of course - I'm going right back to what I know. I panicked, I think. After I'd looked at the job situation and realised there was nothing for me to do. There'd better be something; I'm only doing the MA part-time, so I can work alongside. That made the most sense, I need the experience. And I'm trying to keep the degree somewhat vocational - it's in Social Anth again, but in Manchester I can do a 'pathway' in Museums and Material Culture. That's what I've decided I want to work in: heritage. I decided that in the last couple of weeks in Kent - I went to Dover Castle with Myra and Steve, and was just that impressed. To be in such a magical environment... Well, museums aren't quite the same. I find them quite dry. Dead things in glass boxes. It doesn't have to be that way, and I think that's where anthropology helps. To celebrate (or relive) a culture. Doing things. And I've made a start on attaining that goal (as well as applying for the course - and getting on it)...

I'm doing a voluntary placement at Ordsall Hall - aTudor Manor near Salford Quays, which has also been used as a working man's club and clergy training college. One week down, another two or three to go, at least full-time, I could carry on afterwards as much or as little as I want. How did that week go?... I'm not sure. It's not the place I'm not sure of, I'm very happy to be there rather than in a shop (and definitely rather than going door-to-door again). It's not the people, either. They all seem to like what they're doing and are very friendly, polite and helpful. Though I sense that I'm wearing them thin already. I get the feeling that they're having to accommodate me, that I'm not picking things up quick enough and ought just to be getting on with things then asking them all the time. I don't even know what my role is! The co-ordinator was incredibly encouraging by allowing me the option of working in all sections of the place, but I never know where I'm meant to be/what I should be doing. And although in the first couple of days I learned an incredible amount of things, I already feel that I've hit a wall. So I'm going to try and speak to him about it tomorrow. I don't know what I'll say, or even that he'll be able to do anything about it. I can't pinpoint the problem, but there is one.

I wanted to take this weekend to figure it out. That hasn't exactly happened. I'm very tired for one thing, can barely think. But I'm also having to work on this Professional and Career Development Loan application so I can actually do the masters. I did not want a loan. But the only other realistic source of funding would be the ESRC, for which I would really have to be doing a PhD. One step at a time!! This loan's proving to be a nightmare as well, though. I want to get it done ASAP, but I need some kind of letter from Manchester to confirm my course, and I somehow need to figure out how much to borrow and how long it will take to pay that back. I don't know! There's some things you can't know in advance! I know that the quicker I pay it off, the better (less interest that way), but if I sign up for a period of time where the monthly payments are quite high, what if whatever job I find myself in doesn't pay me enough to do that? I'm staying in Manchester so I can live at home and save money that way, but what if with the loan payments (and that other student loan) my outgoings become too much to ever move out?! I can't be stuck here... I underestimated how hard it would be to live here again. Everything was always so temporary whilst I was at Kent, and now I feel stuck!

It shouldn't be so easy to get stressed out. Why can't I take these things in my stride? I'm sure noone struggles as much as I do with such menial, everday things. I ought just to be in the States, even if it was just to travel. I knew I needed a break. But I worried about using my savings, about them being gone. It's going to happen eventually anyway, I know that...

Circles

I know they say life is full of ups and downs, I just seem to have had quite a lot of them in a short space of time recently. Alright, I'm sensitive, and maybe it's better than the numbness that's soon to come once I'm home. That's right - I'm all finished. Big achievement. Very anti-climactic.

I don't have much to say about exams. They were fine; perhaps even better than expected. Just waiting for them to be marked. Also need my special project grade still. I just want my overall degree classification now - I need it. I learned yesterday that I didn't get the zoo internship, so I have to look to do other things. As much as I kind of knew there would be better people, I'm gutted. I don't know if that's what's hit me right now, but I'm feeling very deflated. Even though I've just seen friends, I need to be around someone for a proper conversation. But there is noone around. There's something else on my mind, too, and that has to do with Wednesday.

That was a very fun day, overall. It was the screening of all the Visual Anthropology projects in our department, which I would consider the biggest event at the end of the year before graduation. I haven't been in other years, I guess it means more now I'm finishing. It's a good chance to see staff, although I only really said hi to a couple. Afterwards, the plan was to head to the Dolphin in town. Me and my group of friends went for food first, but it got later and later and by the time we got to the Dolphin, most the staff had left except for one (who I still didn't talk to) and everyone was about to move on to the same place we had just left! That was quite irritating, but can't be helped. Anyway, whilst I was with my usual friends, it was nice being around others who I rarely get to see otherwise. One person in particular matters to me, and the sequence of events at the end of the night were... unexpected, though not unwelcome. [this is tricky to write - although it's a personal blog, some things don't need to be gone into - how do I balance this? You'll have to fill in a lot of gaps, but I think that's better] As usual, however, I was too full of doubts, and stopped anything from happening. It was a rational decision, and in that sense I can't say I was wrong. But I'm full of regret, full of "what if?". This person is somebody. But I'd have to be a totally different person for the situation to be different. And I don't know what the situation is now, and as I never really run into this person - especially without classes - don't know if it can be changed. I could act, I could contact them, but a big part of me thinks that's stupid. So I'll suffer in silence until it all goes away.

What else have I got to think about? Well, next year I guess. Back to the drawing board. I think America is still at the top of my list - I've somewhat decided against *just* travelling cross-country, as there are plenty of opportunities to get internships. That'd be more worthwhile. I just have to decide what my strengths are since I have no particular skill or 'trade' - that's not easy. But as I said above, I could really do with my degree classification. So in the meantime? I've fallen back into Game of Thrones, with the second season. It really is epic, especially the last episode, just the finale to come. I want to be in that world (as dark and grisly as it is). Stand out character is by far Sandor "the Hound" Clegane. Ahh, fantasy, take me away...

I'm reminded of the title of this blog. "In Limbo". My work is done, and yet I'm still there. This is a longer process than I thought. Or maybe I'm always going to feel like I'm in limbo, always looking for something else. What needs to change is me. Well, I don't know, do I? Should I? I'm tired of all this doubt. I just want some comfort.

There comes a point where you can't call it Writer's Block anymore

I've never been able to keep on top of these things, seriously, I've started many a diary in my day and given up after just a couple of weeks... at best. I have been busy recently - well, not so much if I'm honest. It's one of those things where you know what you're meant to be doing / what you have to do, but it just isn't happening. And as long as it isn't happening, you really shouldn't do anything else that might be considered useful, that isn't 'fair'. So what does that leave? It's textbook procrastination, right? The most depressing thing is that I'm not a last-minute kind of worker, I want to get ahead on things (which never actually happens) meaning this process is dragged out even longer. Even worse, I class socialising in that off-limits 'useful' category; can't risk anything that I might actually want to get involved with! As long as I have deadlines, it's like I have a self-imposed grounding. Solitary confinement is not good for a person...

Sean Bean. Taken from nora's men blog

I think this is what leads to my superficial attachments - I believe I've mentioned a few of my obsessions, however shortlived, before: Arashi, Richard Lewis, etc. This time, a friend of mine highly recommended this series 'Game of Thrones' explaining the appeal through the north/south divide it portrays. Even though it's a fantasy, it's essentially English. "My" people are the northerners (the Starks), i.e. the good guys (even if a bit naive); whilst hers, as a Londoner, are the deceptive and cunning southerners (the Lannisters). Of course, as I watched it, I learned that it's much more complex than that. Complexity is good. Trying to put that in 10 episodes, not so much. But anyway, the point is, as well as loving the story, I was really drawn to the 'star' - Sean Bean. He's from Sheffield. Why did I not know this before? And why does it even matter? I'm not from Yorkshire, nor seen much of his work before. All I can think is there's just something about his nature, some groundedness (and of course at least a bit of familiarity) that I was in need of at the time. He's not bad to look at either.

So then I started looking for interviews on youtube. He hasn't done loads, but it's very easy to get distracted by all the links 'recommended'. I spent solid days engrossed in these short, fun encounters, learning benign facts about people that have absolutely no relevance to my life, just wishing I was a part of it.

[Well, it's not like I had a dissertation to write or anything. By the way, that did get done, though perhaps not quite to the level I'd originally intended. I'm still finding it hard to care. So, to all the people who say "that must be a huge relief" - not particularly.]

Craig Ferguson. Taken from Alons-y's blog

 This led into yet another obsession: Craig Ferguson. I've watched clips of the Late Late Show before, just not this... intently. I've ended up buying his autobiography "American on Purpose", which I'm already about half way through. What a life he's had. He really is quite inspirational - deciding what he wanted and then just going for it. I'm painfully enviable. Where I'm up to, he's just about 22, which is ever so slightly younger than I am now. But he's already experienced a hundred times what I have whist being addicted to alcohol (and ever so occasionally making a mess of things). If I look at my life so far in the same way, can I say it's been worth it? No, I really can't. That's why I'm sat up writing this, unable to sleep. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I never really did any drugs. Sure, it's dangerous (and expensive), but it's something that usually accompanies a social circle that doubles as a network - I think Craig demonstrates how this works when he talks about his experience in Manhattan. I've never even really been attracted to alcohol. Yeah, I started as young as he did, but I was definitely bored of it by 16, despite not really 'exhausting' it (I was always a light-ish drinker). At the time, I decided that my best option was to cut myself out from my circle of friends. That was stupid. To this day I've never been part of a group as tight as that, and I struggle to keep the few friends I have. Too used to my own company. But humans are social animals - you don't have to be an anthropologist to know that.

Take, for example, when I went to Japan. It was an amazing experience that not many people get to have, but I now that I didn't make the most of it. I went to lots of places, saw lots of things, but apparently I didn't make any lasting friendships. I just bought a new camera, telling the salesman that Japan was the inspiration. He joked that it was a little late, but that it should be quite easy to go back as there's bound to be people there I could stay with... nope. Why wasn't I able to connect with any Japanese people? From those few I really tried with, we just had nothing in common [I get that a lot with people in general]. The language barrier was a big problem, but there were peopl there with less Nihongo than myself and they did fine. The majority of the people I hung out with were American, but now we've all gone home, I never hear anything. This irritates me to no end, because of all places I'm likely to go in future, it's the US. In fact, that's how I've been procrastinating these past couple of days (rather than working on my last ever essay) - planning a trip accross the country, starting with LA jsut so I can see the LLS being filmed. But I have to work within a budget, which realistically means that even with my life savings, I couldn't last for much more than 3 weeks. Unimpressed is an understatement. Maybe I'll get advice from a travel company, but that may even put the cost up.

The other thing that would get in the way - although in this case it's much more forgiveable - I may get to do an internship at Chester Zoo. Twelve months, unpaid. Incredible opportunity, but may zap those very savings (unless I find other funding). I have always wanted to work at a zoo. Always. I'm starting to feel that the interview could have gone better, and that the competition will be too tough. But this could be my window into the career I need. [chat show host and stand-up comedian also looks seriously fun. But I'd be delusional to believe I had the character for it]

I'll try and keep you updated better in the future. You may have noticed the distinct lack of mention of my degree this time. In just a couple of months, after the exams, I'll have completed my biggest ever achievement. But I've had enough of it already, and it's feeling pretty worthless. It's little wonder that I'm depressed.

This has gotten to be a real problem now

When did I last write? A week ago? Two maybe? Because since then, I've been really out of sorts. Unable to focus on work, or anything at all in fact. That whole PhD thing must have just pushed me over the edge, but something's got to be done about this mini breakdown of mine. I'm all too aware of my deadlines - they're approaching and I'm doing nothing about it. I can't stress how important this year is, and I can see it all tumbling down, yet I'm still finding it hard to care. I just keep telling myself that it'll work out. It better had.

My mum came to visit me for a couple of days this week. I'm not sure why at this point. Don't get me wrong, it was nice having her here. But I can't help thinking it was partly just because she wanted to come, when originally I thought I had her worried about my lack luster outlook. We didn't talk about work. except my asking what she had to do whilst I was on campus (I still managed to go to classes, which is a plus). Actually, her being here may have just gotten in the way of the social side of things, which have also taken a turn for the worse recently. I never really see my friends now, excpet the one day a week that I have classes with them (even then it's sometimes only brief). They had lunch together on Wednesday, which I would have gone to as well had I not a mother to entertain. She didn't know, and I know she woldn't have made me stay with her, but it's just manners. Anyway, I know we can make up for that another time. And then there's the conference - I missed another meeting on Thursday. All I can say on that is I'm very much out the loop now and it's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fairly sure Tribe don't mind. I only complicated things by wanting it not to be "organised by Tribe". *shudder* Well, she's gone home now, and I don't know what the visit achieved. I still haven't done anything related to my degree (except fret over it).

I'm finding hard to recall exactly what I have done. Watched a lot of stuff and eaten a lot of crap. After me and my housemate Kay watched a DVD the other day (which we do far too often, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling to work), we went back to the TV, and the new Star Trek film was on. I've never watched the series, though I could recognise a few characters. I didn't expect to be so blown away by it. Mainly caused by the fact that I may be a tiny bit in love with Spock. Since then I did start to watch the series - I don't think I'll ever lose that obsessive side. Why did I never want to watch it before?! It might be a sci-fi from the 60s, but it's really soooo good.

So now I'm a Trekkie, huh? Taken from aboutmyrecovery.com's blog

 

Have I used any brain power at all, though? Perhaps. Usually while walking home my mind will wander. A recurring theme has been education. As I learn things on my course, I start to question why I never knew these things before, why I didn't learn them growing up. Obviously there are certain details I wouldn't expect a child to be taught - for instance in Southern Med last week, the topic was Israel, and I finally understand the situation there and the conflict with Palestine much better. Perhaps if I knew more about Judaism that issue would have been graspable at an earlier stage. But in general I just seem to have had a lack of awareness about global issues. What was I ever taught about the world? Maybe I just have a very bad memory, but I don't think we ever talked about foreign countries in primary school. It seems so important to me now. [What am I on about, "seems"?] I often think about language, and how I never got anywhere with Spanish, and I'm forgetting my Japanese. I believe everyone should speak 2 languages, at least. English may be very widely spoken, but it's only fair that we make an effort too, no? It's very difficult to get into now, now that English is so natural and everything else... not. I also think everyone should play an instrument, as it's an artform that uses intelligence. I remember the music classes in school - they start everyone on the recorder, and there may be a few tamborines scattered about, but not much else. I only learned the violin because of the influence of a friend's family (who were very musical) and my mother's force. But even then, the violin is very predictable for this country. I now want to play the erhu, which is Chinese - how would ever have known of that instrument's existence without the experiences I've had in the last few years? (I should explain - I first saw it in Saiunkoku Monogatari, my favourite anime - a Japanese medium I only got into because of friends who watched it - I didn't know what it was before). That then makes me question, why do other people know about these things, and not me? Maybe it's been my family. We are 'common'. And we aren't alone in that. But it doesn't justify it. If only school had opened my eyes instead of fixing me in this routine of doing what's required and just passing tests.

I still don't have an answer as to why I don't want to do anything lately.

I'm scared that I'm throwing it all away.

Chaos

This term... what to say about this term... we're 1/3 of the way there, which is scary when I look at how much work I have to do. But right now, I'm in stasis, and unfortunately it's not of the I just don't care type. Last week was hell. Or was it? I feel like hell now, but maybe that just means last week was unnecessarily eventful. I'll get straight to it:

   I went to see my supervisor on Monday, after she emailed me to check-up. She beat me to the punch. I had nothing to show her, and I panicked about how little I'd read over the past couple of months, but when I actually went to see her it was fine. She's so lovely. And for some bizzarre reason trusts me. She just wanted to see the new abstract, which I could do since I'm pretty much ready to write my whole introduction; I just haven't. The other thing she really wanted to speak to me about was applying for post-grad - she wanted to recommend me for an ESRC scholarship at Kent that would cover all my fees and give me a living stipend (on which I could do research) for the 4 years it would take to get a PhD. That's amazing, right?! However, as we know here, I was thinking of going elsewhere for postgrad, and of giving myself a break to try something new and figure it all out... but I was flattered she thought so highly of me. Then we had a dep't meeting on Wednesday (obvs. I was there as course rep), and afterwards, the head of school approached me about the same issue. The Head of School! This man doesn't know me very well, probably only by face, but for him to come to me about it and not other people, it was clear they must have been dicussing it.

   So this is an avenue to seriously consider, right? To be able to research what I want to research and not worry about funding is the ultimate opportunity. But, oh yeah, I should have mentioned that the deadline for said funding is the 10th Feb. The issue had really been atthe back of my mind until then, and so to come up with something amazing in the next week was a bit... 0_0 Of course this deadline also makes me question their moivations for really pushing me now, why didnt' they suggest it sooner? Anyway, I put my research hat on and spent the next few days figuring out how it all worked and what I could possibly do. I didn't know who to turn to for questions. I emailed my supervisor once but her reply was quite short and she recommended I send a draft proposal to another member of staff, who is convenor of the Visual MA I was consindering doing. This guy's on study leave and doesn't really know me either, I didn't quite feel comfortable with that - plus I didn't have a draft to send. And I thought the proposal was for the PhD, not the MA, so I still don't understand the logic. Then I met with a friend, Lynn, who is also applying. She'd already come up with her proposal as she'd been applying for some other universities, but again was asked to apply to Kent quite late on. But she was willing to help me understand the process. She told me I'm supposed to have applied to and been accepted by Kent before I apply for the funding, which would mean I'd need to have that done by, well, today. More pressure then.

   I locked myself away for the rest of the weekend. My supervisor had said I could just extend my undergrad project, which makes it sound easy. For one though, I wouldn't actually want to research the NAC - anthropologists are disliked enough already without dealing with something so sensitive as religion. And in order to sell ny project to the funding board, I'd have to prove why it's a unique project and needs doing. That's where it gets really difficult. There are entire degrees relate to Native American Studies (I know, I want to do one) and I imagine very little that hasn't been done. But hat's just it: I don't know. The amount I've already learned this year is astounding, and that's just in one aspect of Great Plains life (if I can generalise for now). I thought maybe I'd be better suited to studying urban Indians and their connections with the larger tribal community, but again this is new to me and I know nothing about it. I looked up books, and yes, they exist. It doesn't mean I can't do it, as in fact it's better that there's information to be found and be built on, but without having started researching the area how am I meant to find my niche?

  Well, I got stressed. Very stressed. After speaking to my mum on Sunday, she said it was very clear that I'm not ready yet. I'm not. Not when I'm going to have to find everything out by myself from scratch. That's why I was looking at going to the States in the first place; that's where the knowledge is - for some reason it just hasn't come to this country. So if this weekend alone is a snapshot of what my postgrad years would be like, then I don't want it. But I had dared myself to imagine getting the money, and going out to Oklahoma to meet some Comanche (it makes sense to me to carry on with them when I finally do get to do research). So I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day watching films/documentaries, and sulking. I perhaps didn't realise quite how strained I'd been until I went to bed and inexplicably started crying.

   This actually makes me angry. I was pretty much sorted with my (none) plan. Why did they have to come to me with this offer? If they'd never mentioned it I would have been fine. My supervisor knew I wanted to wait/go elsewhere. They must have had pressure from the higher-ups to get more people signed up. But this isn't a game - it's my goddamn future. And now, feeling shit as I am, like I'm wasting an opportunity or something, I'm behind with work [you've no idea how much work I was going to crank out this weekend before this distraction] Above all else this year should be a priority. It isn't going well.

Now, a lot more has (probably) happened since I last wrote. I've watched a lot of decent films. Yesterday was Lantana with Geoffry Rush, which I really recommend.

   Oh and I also had that phone interview: it went terribly. It wasn't advertised as a sales job, although I had the impression it was a part of it - I saw it more as a service (recruitment), which is what I replied when she asked how I felt about working in a sales environment. I wouldn't have wanted that job anyway to be honest, so I don't care too much. It just makes me worry about what I'll actually do next year since I definitely won't be studying.

   There's also that conference, which has slipped to the back of my mind. It's hard to know how well it's going, as it's still very much an 'inside' thing it seems. I've given up trying to send emails. People aren't dealing with them.

I should at least today go up to campus for my only lecture at 4. It snowed this weekend. I dont want to walk up that hill. But I have to get back on track... Wish me luck.