You'd be hard-pressed to make me care right now

Is "hard-pressed" even a saying/word thing? Not that its important, since I assume you know what I mean.

Anyway, yet again, it's been a while. A long while! What happened? Lots of stuff, I'm sure - it was end of term, I was busy. I didn't stop caring about writing this, it's something I like to do and am aware of the potential in it... it just didn't happen for a while. And what about now? Well, it's Christmas, and I'm back home. Ya~~ay. I bet you can really sense my enthusiasm. *yawn*.

Y'know, before I came back, I had this list of things (in my head, I never write stuff down) that I wanted to get done once I was here and had the time. Important stuff, too - like my dissertation that I feel very behind on, job applications and general after-graduation decisions. It just doesn't matter though. That's ridiculous Hannah! Of course it matters! But... meh. Best argument there ever was.

I have read, here and there, though not finished with the 2 books I've been reading simultaneously for the past week. With a balance of 80% not-work, 20% work (and some of that being skim-reading, too). Somehow, today, I've gotten myself to the point where I feel like it'll all work out, when for the past month or so I've been panicking about it just not being do-able. Did I tell you that I narrowed down my topic to the peyote religion in the specific instances of the Lakota and Comanche? I don't know anything about peyote! I know they use it in the Native American Church, but is it exclusive to that? And how on earth am I going to find out who in the tribes actually does this, and what else they do, and why? There are still problems... Oh and it will all be from books - I don't think an undergraduate project is significant enough to warrant my contacting someone in the US who may be involved; I don't suspect they're happy to share this information with anyone, especially anthropologists, if that's what I am.

[It just occurred to me that if I keep discussing it here, I may end up plagiarising myself. Stupid, but apparently possible.]

Why don't we just get until the actual end of the year to do this, like other dissertations? I fell behind because I couldn't balance thinking about this on top of my other modules. I might suprise myself with what I can get done under pressure (I've always ultimately left things right until the deadline - though this term I wasn't happy with either of my essays once I actually went to hand them in. That's right, "either", as in I only had 2. Pathetic).

There are all sorts of things I have to tell you about what was going on at the end of term. Course rep things, 5000 essay problems (understatement) and this thing called Tribe that I may have, or not, mentioned. The anthropology society - ring any bells? It started up last year by a group of friends, and everything they're doing/trying to do is great, but I'm not alone in finding it hard to get involved. In fact, even though I know the Tribe people and they are nice people, I still cringe a little every time I hear thet they're doing something. Having a name like that implies that it's a specific group, and you're either in or out. But since it's based on the subject/the department, it should just be open to the department, right? The major thing right now they're planning is an undergraduate conference for anth students around the country. It's an excellent idea; and even though I've done what I can to be involved so far, I still find myself using the word "they" because I doubt (despite their fronts) that outside input is really valued. There was some kind of structure in terms of 'roles' of things to be done, but to me a lot of it overlapped, and if people just did 'their thing' independently, then there would be a lot of problems but not a lot of progress. In my opinion. And the couple of people heading it don't really seem to mind making the decisions between themselves. It just seems as though the concepts of co-operation and communication have been forgotten by a lot of people. I'm not even sure that most other people in our own department know what's going on, even though, as course rep, I asked that an email be sent out about it. The people I asked hadn't gotten it. I wouldn't bother anymore, but the CV has been on the mind...

Speaking of which, I started a job application - something in local government - that I haven't yet finished. I'm sure the deadline's approaching, but I'm stuck. I'm up to a page of 4 sections, asking things like "tell us about your extra curricular activities, and any roles of responsibility you have held" (I don't have hobbies, really, and never run for roles of 'power' - I've got a whole philosophy about that); or, "describe a time when you've had to work in a group toward a particular goal" (I... don't know). Oh, I'm also aware of how little I know about politics, but the original, and simple point of government is surely just to help people/make things better. Seems like a good job. Just doubting that I will actually finish the application in time. I should be looking at other things to.

But things have just stopped. As always. That's why I decided to go back to Canterbury early (well... a week early - have to travel on the weekend and unfortunately this year, both holidays fall on weekends, which stratches the wait out).

'Tis the season to be jolly.

I wish.

Home is the Place where Nothing Happens

I really struggled to make myself get up this morning - my body just feels so heavy, so tired. That could partly be because the weather's gone crazy: lots of thick, eerie mist lately. Winter's here. I've probably got a cold. But I think it's mainly because the last 2 days have been very long and very busy. It sounds almost pathethic.

"typical student. 2 days and they've had enough!" 

But these aren't like ordinary days.

Monday is the only day where I have lectures, 1st one at 9am, other one at 4. In between that I planned on getting loads of reading done, but actually I spent the day with another of my anthropologist friends who went to Denmark - Lynn. She showed me this site, sporcle.com, with all sorts of mini games and quizzes, which we then spent a couple of hours distracted by; but we were also talking about our course, as always, and whether or not it's actually preparing us for afterwards (she is currently working on her application for a PhD - I still feel very far from ready for that!). Such thoughts carry a lot of weight; there's a lot of grounding in our current situation. If that doesn't wear you out then the lecture that followed would as she almost reiterated worries about debt/work/retirement/the end of the world. Following that I went to see my personal tutor, who I've never met, to raise a couple of issues I'm having (namely Spanish) - that is what they're there for, but unfortunately it was a little uncomfortable and I didn't get much out of it... Anyway, I then went and met up with friends again in Rutherford bar. I do love that everyone happens to be around on a Monday!

Yesterday should have been a day off, but I agreed with Myra that we'd go up to campus early to get a lot of work done. I was out the house by 9:30 (go me), and I actally did get some reading done; though as I was jumping about a bit, trying to formulate my topic for my next (Theoretical) essay, it's hard to remember exactly what. I'm going to go and see the convenor tomorrow to discuss it, as although I know I've got something of a good idea, it keeps confusing me. I literally think my 'line of thinking' (as they call it) has tied me in a knot. At 2pm Myra had a lecture, in Visual Anthropology - I went along, too. That's just how I procrastinate :P Actually, since I have been to a couple of the screenings, I know that I'm interested in the topic. And I really enjoyed the lecture! Mass media, and indigenous media, and 'inverse'/satirical anthropology: that's amazing. Why didn't I take this class?! We then went back and did a little bit of reading before 4pm when DICE (Durrell Institute of Conservation Ecology - part of our department) were hosting an informal debate, between their lectures, over which animal should represent the dept. It was odd being there, as we didn't really 'belong' and they all seemed to know each other, but it was still fun! Geeky fun, but that's the best kind. I'd really like to see our soc anth lecturers argue over a similarly trivial issues; perhaps proving to us that we really don't have to be so neurotic over deconstructng everything. After a vote at the end, and I don't know what kind of logic, the animal chosen was a tardigrade - I'd like to see that on their hoodies. Anyway, at 6:30 it was then the annual Stirling Lecture, where a guest speaker comes in to present their work. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this wouldn't be like an undergrad lecture - I have been to them before - really intense, with lote of ideas, and I'm not entirely sure I followed (by that I mean not at all). From what I got though there were some good ideas. I know I wasn't alone at least. And Roger was there! The legend. He's a professor who reitred a couple of years ago - we had him all through first year, and there's noone more intelligent yet laid back and charismatic. In 2nd year, he taught E&N (which I'm taking now), but other than that we only had him teach about his own ethnography. That's a gift in itself, though. I said "hi", and he did remember us (not sure about names...), which was nice - it was a brief encounter, and he was definitely a little awquard talking to us :( [I'm such a fan of his, and I think he knows that]

Anyway, what's the point of my title? Well, I was so tired when I got up that I just wanted it to be time to go back to Manchester, where everything stops. I'm only ever there when I have a break. And it just occurred to me how much of a problem that is. For one: I havehavehave to work non-stop this Christmas on my special project, to make up for my recent complaceny, and the fact that my new topic wasn't decided until week 6ish. This is one of my sources of stress lately. Especially since there are always less productive distractions (my brother has Skyrim). The other thing, which is pretty major, is - what happens when it's not so temporary anymore? No matter what I intend on doing - by the way, I had a crisis again lately - I'll be at home for at least a year just to work and get money. There's a chance, depending what job I end up on getting, that I'll stick with it. That's so depressingly boring. What's the point of all my hopes and desires (to show Moore's influence - our core text) to just end up in a daily grind kind of thing? My priorities have always been different to everyone I've grown up around - I don't want to live to work/for money/just to be part of a system. Whatever I do, it has to be special. And you know what else? As common as I am in some ways, and proud of that, I need intellectual stimulation. My favourite part about uni is that most my friends are on my course, and that's what we discuss. When I go home, not only do I not really have any friends, there are very few people that would even recognise anthropology as a thing. Maybe I underestimated how important the people who surround me here, are. I'll miss that - genuinely.

[Ive just realised that I haven't even discussed the 'Indigenous Party' hosted by Tribe, which was on Friday. So many anthropologists in one place! I could deconstruct the concept of it... or I could just say that it was a lot of fun!]

So this is a promise I'm making to myself: whilst I'm at home, for just a temporary period, and doing a mundane this or that, I'm going to be teaching myself all the things I wish I'd learned here. That is: the history (theory & theorists), methodology, and in fact just revising all the things I should supposedly know by now. I think... it has to be postgrad. I'm nowhere near done with this. And it's not enough to know that I want to work with Native Americans - I've got to make sure that I learn so much about them too, to have a definite area for research, which I can then follow up on. If that's in America, then I'll have to teach myself some linguistic anthropology, even archaeology.

...this feels an awful lot like a decision, doesn't it?

But really though - what other choice is there? I'm scared of going back to Manchester after I graduate, and then not knowing how to develop any further. Yes, I do have a lot of probems with academia, I think too much of it is pointless, but that's something to work on - to change. I've said this all along: a BA is not enough for me. The funding and all the other logistical stuff will just have to work out. That's it.

Unfortunately Cryptic

There's one particular reason lately that Ive been distracted...

but there are no words that would work to accurately express what I mean

- it can't be trivial if it's driving me so insane

if only there was a way to channel all these feelings into their head

P.S. I am going to try and write again soon - I just have an essay that I really ought to get out of the way first, and it's not going well (hence the above)

Where are my Priorities at?

There's been so much going on, it's insane. And still everything's just in the process of being done. I don't have a clear idea of what I've actually achieved, if anything. Which is frustrating considering how drained I feel right now.

Even though it's the weekend, of course I ought to be working. I took most of yesterday off as I was on a bit of a downer. After pretty much forcing myself to go to Spanish to pick up our 300-word assignments, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The mark was disappointing, to say the least. 62. With comments suggesting that I need to improve my vocabulary/use "more words", and also my use of reflexive verbs. Considering that he hasn't taught us any vocab (which I've mentioned before) and we literally only just covered refelxive verbs this week, I think he's being a little unfair. It's all the more infuriating because if this, a low 2:1, is the line I'm on for my final grade, well then that's going to hold me back in my push for a 1st overall. He's making me despise Spanish, which isn't right. I'm not doing it next term. I can't give it the energy it needs. I'll learn some other time, some other way. I just have to stick it out for the next 5 weeks.

There are a couple of good things to come out of taking the class though (as well as it being at least a start to understanding the language). In looking for inspiration, I saw "El Espinazo Del Diablo" ("The Devil's Backbone") which is a very, very good film; and I discovered the Gipsy Kings, who fair enough aren't actually Spanish, they were just a lucky diversion in my hunt for Spanish music.

I also had another meeting with my supervisor, to discuss my new proposal (looking at how religious aspects influence the making of identity), which I was really happy with in the end. She said she liked it too, and there were only 2 comments on the revision which was up on her computer screen - they were just to do with the choice of words I'd used (see one of my older posts about how pedantic this subject/academia is). Then we got to talking about it. And gradually she made more and more changes, in the end suggesting that I ought to just choose one "event" to be my focus (i.e. powwows, or sweat lodges, or Sun Dances). It almost feels like slaughter - I found it hard enough to narrow it down from where it was to begin with. And I thought the whole point of anthropology was not to look at things in isolation. She wants me to decide on this before next week, so I have to get a move on.

It also disrupts the work I'd been putting into my Ethnicity & Nationalism essay. It's not due until the end of term, but I wanted to get it out the way. I'd been taking my time about it, but read all sorts of things that I could use in my arguments... however, looking back over what I've got, it all does seem too dispersed, and I don't think my research has been heading anywhere in particular. Another wasted effort, then.

This is why I get so apathetic about things, even when I know I really want to be enthusiatic. It's a defense mechanism.

It's not all bad news though, honestly. For one, Russell Means has had a miraculous recovery (see this video to hear from the man himself). And... well there are other things. One thing in particular, but it's not worth discussing right now. It's just potential. Just hope. And I'm probably deceiving myself again (not to mention the distraction). In fact, I watched another documentary this morning; The Importance of Being Morrissey. Morrissey is meant to be some kind of enigma, but I think I can relate to him in some ways. Particularly in his approach to human relationships. It is a sign of inner-stength, I feel, but it also complicates a lot of other things - like the thing I'm not discussing here. This is what I mean when I say I need a lyric - to express what I otherwise can't. I bet something of Morrissey's would work pretty well.

From clashmusic.com

I have to stop doing this to myself

Small-scale: eating essentially nothing but sugar all day. The only reason I don't have diabetes is because I haven't been tested for it.

Large-scale: putting things off for so long, that no matter how much I think about them, I can't quite remember what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sorry for not writing recently.

Ok, so the recurring theme thus far seems to be productivity.

I'm constantly in this... I don't know, mess of both being productive, but then really just not. There are several reasons I've noticed this.

I updated my CV the other day. It's only on the 'hobbies & interests' bit that I actually get to ellaborate on the things I feel actually say anything about me. Of course, first is my interest in Native Americans - yet this final year project is the first time I'm really getting to explore/express it. This generally relates to my love of anthropology, which I'm showing in my role as course rep this year (I'll talk more about that in a minute); and also my new 'penchant' for languages - Spanish, this year. I then mention my interest in different forms of media, and the potential there to represent something. Such as the blog I'm writing this year, or a short film that I'm (hoping to) get involved with this year. Fair enough, I also discuss Japan, which was last year, but generally speaking I've left it all pretty late. It seems a little too much to be handling - especially considering how lazy I've been over the past few years. After contacting the Dover Detainee Charity, I haven't been able to follow through with my interest, because I just don't think I can. I feel bad. And I disappoint myself.

Especially when you think that this year isn't through. It's hardly started. So none of this is actually done.

I am, however, course rep. Me and the person I ran against. Somehow, we got the same number of votes. That's almost unbelievable, and kind of defeats the object of running. But I don't mind having a collaborator, so long as she is actually going to get involved. Only after a few days of having it confirmed that we were the reps, we had our first departmental meeting. The Union-led training conference isn't until November. We didn't have a clue what we were meant to do! Luckily, neither did Glenn Bowman (acting Head of School - he stressed that himself). I had announced myself at the start of our core lecture on Monday - my only chance - and it was petrifying to say the least. And I asked people to email me if they had any issues etc. but of course noone did. I doubt they voted either; that was probably the problem. Anyway, at the meeting: I don't even know how to describe it. It's very ordered, but also relaxed. So official, but then just a discussion. I managed to raise the issues people who'd just been abroad (like me) were having about being a out of the loop (we seem to be missing from a mailing list or 2), and also about mine and Rachel's 5000 essays that they've had since July but not heard about. In general, communication seemed to be the main problem. Not just spreading information around a specific year group, but having each of the years mix, and even the different courses (social & biological), and then the different departments (anthropology & DICE - Conservation - who we share the building with. We may even be classed as the same department). We really ought to be more of a proper society, and not rely on the student society, which didn't exist until last year. Now, "Tribe" as they're called, seem to get on really well with the academic staff, but they haven''t been too involved with getting new students - again, it took me a while to find anything out about them. After the meeting, a 2nd yr Biological Anth student set-up a facebook group, as discussed. It's now just all of the reps jobs to spread the word, be inclusive... I don't know what to do with it.

The other major thing that has me hovering is of course this Special Project. It's such a major thing, at least in my head, that I want to get it right. And in order to do that, I feel as though I already have to know exactly where it's going. Apparently I don't. Daniela (my supervisor) replied to my email from last week, just this morning, with comments on the proposal (which I knew had to change anyway, it was more of a reminder for her) and a quick note telling me not to panic. I wasn't panicking - it's my natural state to doubt so much.

[I think this is why my plans for after graduation are getting me in such a muddle: I need to know it'll be alright; I need control over what's going to happen; is that too much to ask??]

Anyway, she suggested we meet again next week, when she's back from... wherever (I didn't even know she was going somewhere). That's fine, I'd be happy with all the help I can get. She doesn't know that I went to see the guy from the English Department, who specialises in Native American Literature. I met him on Tuesday - it's been a busy week. I was in his office for an hour, just talking. It was so nice to talk to someone who really knows about the issues I want to address, and also understands where I'm coming from as, well, as a Briton (it isn't my history! I don't share a common territory with these people! It shouldn't be suprising when I don't know something about it!) We'd emailed beforehand just for me to introduce the things I was planning on looking at, so he had a list of books he felt might be useful for me. That was the main thing I got out of it. But it was nice to know I wasn't completely barking up the wrong tree. Of course I still have to be sensitive with anything that deals with Native American culture - the more I learn, the more I realise why that's so. It's such a shame. But there's always opportunity for me to change things. Anyway, now I've had another person's input, it's time to crack on with work again.

Uuuggghhh, reading.

Confusion

 I probably shouldn't have left it this long to write again - I know, it's only been a week, but honestly! The things that can happen/change! I feel like I've been busy. I started out last week with the best intentions to work, and for the first few days it was going well... but definitely by Thursday I lost motivation again, and didn't do much of anything at all over the weekend. Spanish is driving me up the wall. Ethnicity & Nationalism has barely even gotten started. I don't know what to do with the stuff we cover in Theoretical. And I'm just plain stuck on my Special Project. I would be fine just to get on with it, if my supervisor didn't keep reminding me that I need a more "definite idea" - what does that mean? I know what I want to look at. Yeah it's not in question-form so much, but I'm an undergrad, I'm not supposed to do original research, right? It's gotten me very confused.

4 weeks in. Pitiful.

Instead, what I've been doing recently is thinking about postgrad again. I went to the Career's Advisory for a quick drop-in session, and told them how, for a career, I thought I'd quite like to work in HR. She told me that had gotten competetive, but that by no means should hold me back, however there are more and more adverts asking for applicants who have degrees in that field. It's put me right off. So I then told her that I'd always wanted to do an MA in the States, in Anthropology with a minor in Native American Studies, but the cost put me off. She pointed me towards a webite (fulbright.co.uk) that is full of advice for UK students wanting to go there, and US students wanting to come here, and all the ways of getting funding. That sounded much more do-able. Hence I started researching again. What I learned was that, although you can get loans from external sources, most of the funding is likely to come form the universities themselves. However, those institutions that are more research-focused have the most money, and they tend to give more of it to doctorate students (a lot of the courses I looked at were aimed at doctorate's anyway, the MA was just a 'stopping' point, almost). Could I do a PhD? I really didn't think so - or, well, I didn't particularly want to. But I'm not dead-set against it. It would be a challenge intellectually, but I believe I could do it. The next problem is that, because they would basically paying for me to get the qualification, I'm more of an investment, and I'd have to state how I would plan to use the degree afterwards to see the full benefits.

I have no idea.

I can't really do anything with those specialisations if I'm not going to be living in the States, which isn't so easy a feat. And then I can't assume to be able to do anything with it even then, since I believe that anything I could do to help Native Americans, they would like to do for themselves (given the opportunity).

I think I really have to go to there before-hand, and get a better idea of how things work. It's hard speculating when I'm practically a world away.

My CV's pretty weak anyway. I'm once again looking at ways to improve it, i.e. volunteering. I finally got in touch with the DDVG who visit immigrants detained at the border (at Dover), either just being socialble or helping with legal things and the like. It's something I'd really like to do, it's just the travelling that's made me hesitate, but contact is a start. I also ran for course rep. Apparently I won... but then so did my only competitor. I personally think there's been a cock-up, and if they realise this so that the role goes to just one of us, it won't go in my favour. I should have thought about my manifesto more (at least I wrote something!). It would be nice to have that role though, not just for my CV, but I think it's something I could be really involved with - self-confessed anthropology geek!

I may have made it sound like even if I'm not working, my time is spent productively. Not necessarily. I was out for most of Saturday with Myra; we passed an oriental food store, so I thought I'd see if they had any anko (sweet red bean paste). They only had some that was expired, but he gave it me for free! So Myra and I spent the evening making home-made dorayaki, which I have missed from Japan. It wasn't the same - we basically just made small pancakes and sandwiched the an in between - but they were good.

Quois?!... I mean, 何？

*sigh* As you can see, me and Spanish just don't go well together. I don't even know how to say "what?" My natural instinct right now is just to revert to any foreign language that I'm more comfortable with, which is usually Japanese. Suprisingly, I find myself thinking things in French every now and then - I haven't taken French for roughly 8 years!! What's the problem? I really think it's the way it's taught. I know that any new language is hard - but this is insane. Manolo (the teacher - I may have mentioned him before) is a 'linguist', and obsessed with grammar. Grammar is good to know, I agree, but not when you don't have vocabulary to back it up. It doesn't seem as though he has any plans to strictly teach us that either - it's more of a "just listen and learn" approach. So I've been very confused in class. I just didn't go yesterday. Instead, I went into town to buy a dictionary and some flashcards. I've spent most of toay filling them up. Another difficult task when there's no set vocab list. Every word I come accross in our grammar sheets, I write down. There are looooaaads. It's only been 2 weeks! I repeat: insane.

Thus - I'm stressed. Already. Not just from Spanish; I feel like I'm falling behind with reading too, even though I'm making more of an effort than I'm sure I did a couple of years ago (not counting KG - completely different situation). It's a sad state of affairs. There go my plans of having a proper weekend then.

mustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchup.

What am I doing now, I hear you ask? Just making it that much harder on myself, of course. No, I'd lose my mind if I never stopped (it's a hard balance). After all my talk of societies, I decided the 45 minute walk up to campus made most of them... not worth it - especially if the activities then involved more excercise. But I have been to both Japan Soc meetings this year. They're at 7, on a day when my classes finish at 6, so I have an hour to get food (and don't have to go home). Usually, when it comes to anything related to Japan in this country, it's organised by some Japanophile who phenomenolizes everything, epsecially pop-culture, and is just ultra-excited. Unfortunatley they tend to gloss over reality, and generally speaking, they grate me. I think this society probably started like that, and some of the people who come are maybe like that, but there are a fair number of Japanese students around Canterbury, and they get involved. I think, in terms of commitee members, lessons have been learned and even if they haven't been to Japan, they really do have a feel for it. The activities aren't that different than they might have otherwise been, anyway. There's a planned karaoke night, and I'm sure there'll be a sushi-making party, too, eventually.

Harajuku Girls? Sorry to disappoint you, but I've been to Harajuku, and though this sort of thing does exist, it's not that common of a common sight. (Taken from adorability's blog)

Tonight, me and my housemates are going to see Kyrbgrinder again (remember the band from the Alternative Freshers' Ball?). Somewhat looking forward to it - I'm sure I'll get more into it once we're actually out. Other than that, there hasn't been too much going on. The only thing that's captured my interest - not counting X Factor or Strictly, which are more like guilty pleasures, or vices - is this documentary called "A Thunder Being Nation" which isn't out yet. I've been following the filmmaker on twitter; he's really quite involved with Pine Ridge Res., where the doc is set, and also where he filmed another film set there ("Rez Bomb"). I envy him... Anyhow, in order to completed with the best historical footage etc., he needs funds. Since I want to see it so much, it's only fair that I give something. So I did - I guess it's a good job that I haven't been able to work my budget out yet. Sort it later.

Pine Ridge, SD. If nothing else, it's got soul. I'd love to be involved. (Taken from Fixingtheworld's page)

So, no epiphony, or any particular point to make today. Maybe I forgot if there was. It'd be nice to find myself in a situation where things didn't get so hazy...

It's all so Pedantic!

I did have to look up that word, just to be careful - yes I'm aware of the irony in that. What am I on about though?

Academia.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe my degree is awesome, and am enjoying my classes. At this 'final stage' though I'm doing my best to think practically, you know: What comes next? What can I do? And then so often in lectures, even seminars in trying to stimulate intellectual thinking, they just get so caught up in definitions.

This is true for when I went to see my supervisor, Daniela. She's so nice, and it was a reassuring meeting (if not overly productive), but she pointed out that I had used the word "tribe" in my revised proposal, and asked me to be careful when I do so. First she asked whether I had come accross it in my readings, but I didn't know how to answer. Possibly. It's quite a common word, I'm sure I've seen it lots of places. Specifically though? I don't know. So she pointed me toward a book called "The Notion of Tribe".

"It's only a small book" I was told, and so I took it out the library. It was small, in terms of size. Small font, too. I read the first chapter (in the space of a couple of days - I don't rush), but I actually didn't understand too much at what it was getting at. I kept checking the contents for the topics it covered, trying to decide something that I may get more out of, but then just skipped to the conclusion. Still not a clue. Well, that's not quite true. I did have an inkling as to what the problem with the term might be, and as always its in the historical usage. Anthropologists weren't always what  they are today; they used to be a colonial tool, believeing that only Europeans were civilized, everyone else was primitive/savage, and they had to be taught. What a legacy, huh? I don't really know if there's a need to point out how wrong that is. Essentially, "tribe" referred to any identifiable grouping (homogenous in some way, be it language, ceremony, dress etc.) that wasn't part of a state. I did know that before. But I also know, perhaps from my English Language A Level although I think it's common sense, that meanings change. Surely the meaning of a word comes from its common usage. And the word "tribe" is used frequently, comfortably, especially when referring to North American Indians - even by such people themselves. I don't think anyone these days means anything derogatory by it. It's just an identity marker. And you know what? It is used in my readings. I doubted myself, but it is. Today I've been using Daniel Gelo's "Indians of the Great Plains" to work on my 'Orientation & Background' section, and in there is a less-than-2-page section entitled "The Notion of Tribe" summing up the problem of the term, but simultaneously shrugging it off. Typical. Why do I worry myself so much sometimes?

And why, generally speaking, is academic reading so unnecessarily difficult?! It ought to be the ideas in the text that challenge and impress, not the text itself. Like Marx - I have to read a chapter of his work for one of my seminars this week. I've been introduced to his ideas before, and I kind of really liked them. But I've never got round to fully reading some of his work. I have tried, but it's imperceptible! It makes so much more sense when someone just sums it up for you. I've actually gotten half way with this assigned piece so far, but that took a good couple of hours. Another reading that I've had to do recently, well, I can't even quite remember what it was about - something to do with creation myths and naturalised power (addressed by feminists). Again, it took me a long while to get anywhere with it, and then I thought back about it,and just felt that the whole argument was kind of obvious! Perhaps not obvious, but like it could have been written with 25% the length and made the same point, but in a more sensible way. I'm an incredibly slow reader anyway, so for texts like these I'm prone just to give up. It will be a miracle if I can get my project completed 'properly' (whatever that's supposed to mean).

The thing is with this field, with the direction that it's supposedly gone in now, it is supposed to be more beneficial. Our cross-cultural methods are meant to be used to raise awareness and understanding. But it's like another one of these secret circles [like politicians] in which the members just want to out do each other, and everyone on the outside is oblivious to the point of just not caring. Who does that help?

I think this is what Melissa was getting at in our lecture yesterday when she said she thought the discipline had passed it's post-modern stage now. She couldn't say what that meant exactly, and probably we won't see it too clearly until we're 20 years down the line, but it has to change.

The moment when you know... This Is It

Yesterday was my first day of classes for this year. I actually had a lesson for each of my timetabled events this term (excluding the Special Project) so I know a little bit about how they're all going to work. I'm not dreading anything... yet. In fact I really think I'm going to enjoy everything.

At 9am was the "Ethnicity & Nationalism" lecture - a very unfriendly time, but once you're in there it doesn't really matter so much. I don't know why I didn't take this class in my second year as it's always been something I was interested in. Probably an issue with clashes or some such thing. By leaving it until now, it means I missed out on being taught  by Roger, as he's retired now. He was nothing short of a legend, everyone misses him. Instead, there's a new lecturer who started last year when I was away - Dimitrios. He's Greek, and was telling us how he's done fieldwork on multiple topics in multiple areas - I admire the ability to cover so much ground; even with my specific area of interest, I'm barely able to stretch my efforts to cover it [case in point: today was supposed to be dedicated to research].

How Izanagi and Izanami made the islands of Japan

He's basically started the course from scratch though, totally reorganised it, but y'know what? I think that's for the better. I heard Roger made you choose a place and devise your own essay question - that freedom would be perfect for me, I've always been one for doing what I like despite the lack of support I may face. But I know a lot of people that just don't work like that, and they struggled. Also, by leaving taking the class until now, I have an extra 2 years experience under my belt. That really does count for a lot. Time helps to shape your world view. And as adament as I may have been when I was just 15 that I was an adult, there is just so much you don't - that you can't - know. Even now. I'm only 22. For the seminar on Friday I have to either find a creation myth or a newspaper article thet refers to nationalism. I think I'll just sum up the Shinto creation myth - I'm already quite familiar with that.

After a 3 hour break (which eventually I will learn to use productively) I had my first Spanish class. All I learned in Spanish was "me llamo" (my name is) and "soy de" (I am from). It was just an introduction to the course really, and a way to introduce ourselves. However, the only people's names I remember are a guy called Oscar who sat next to me, and the teacher Manolo who is from Seville and, blatantly, a very proud Spaniard. I do enjoy languages though - I still can't tell whether I will struggle with Spanish or not (in comparison to 日本語). I'm happy to stick with it anyway.

Then after another 2 hour break was one of my core modules for this year: "Theoretical Perspectives in Social Anthropology". How inspiring! I can't emphasise what a suprise it was to leave that session feeling so excited. I didn't really know what the class was supposed to be about - all I knew was that it replaces the old theory lectures that just used to teach you the history of the subject. It may be very boring, but I don't know that stuff, and I can't help but feeling like I'm supposed to. Why though? This is the thing - the department are trying to make the subject, which doesn't really leave to a concrete career, more practical. One of the kookiest, but definitely favourite, staff in the department - Melissa - is leading it. She's decided to take some really old anthropological ideas like 'taboo', 'witchcraft' and something called 'virgin birth' (which I haven't come accross before) and look at how the ideas have been used over the years/ whether they are still relevant etc. She says that the way she will know whether the module has been succesful or not will be based on in a conversation, if we as anthropologists can blow people's minds when they say something that they just take for granted. Like: say there's a discussion about politics, of course everyone's complaining, and someone just says "but it's always been that way, it can never be any different"; I shuld be able to come back at them with "well, actually, in some Polynesian societies..." You get the idea.

This is why anthropology rocks.

And I can't wait to be able to do that.

Unfortunately today has slowed me down again - until I speak to my supervisor I'm reluctant to make a start on my project. Though I know there's an obscene amount I need to do in this term alone. Instead I've been worrying about living on a tight budget again. And deciding about societies. And eating too many skittles.

(Re)Freshers

Technically, this is my 5th year of undergraduate study (which is beyond ridiculous), so I'm very used to this so-called lifestyle. I generally know how things work, without being too involved - though I suspect the SU will forever remain a mystery - and I doubt there's anything that would surprise me now. Yet still, every year that I've been at Kent, I've gone to the Fresher's Fayre. It's just nice to see what's going on/ which societies are active. And I got to see some old acquaintances and Madeira (my old capoeira teacher) again after nearly 2 years! This, plus the glorious sunshine, made the crowds forgiveable. Here's a little taster:

The Fencers, and people queueing for coffee, outside the Venue

Inside the main marquee. Table after table vying for attention/new members

...Pretty self-explanatory. Didn't expect the pony though.

The crowd outside the 2nd marquee

 




 

Other then the first term of the first year, I really haven't gone to any societies. And since I'm supposed to be especially busy this year, I doubt I'll manage it this time either. But it's that energy, again, that I thrive on. Seeing people so enthusiatic about what they're doing. It's a great thing. I always want to learn new skills; maybe I just don't have the drive. Or the money. It always comes down to money. We'll see. I signed up to lots, not decided which ones I can 'fit in' or that I'm really bothered with.

I finished off the week by going to the 'Alternative Fresher's Ball' (not a ball at all by the way - that's kind of the point. I think some people missed it). This was organised by the Rock Soc - something else I always considered joining. Again though, I can't match their enthusiasm for music. And for the most part, it's metal they're into. I don't really like metal. Unless it's live. You can really feel it then. On this occasion there were 5 live acts. Me and Kay missed the first, and only went up to really watch 2 of the others. Being on the backburners for these kinds of things is no fun. Yeah, I'm not a mosher anymore, but I want to see everything! I'm really glad we got up to the front for the final act - Kyrbgrinder. They were something else. Music I could actually hear above the noise, involved with their audience, and a lead singer/drummer who can do some tricks on top of what is already quite impossible! Now that's skill.

Kyrbgrinder. Doesn't the bassist look reminiscent of Courtney B. Vance?

 

Apparenty Andreea (my final housemate who I haven't met yet) is also into this kind of thing. I really hope we go to see more live acts this year. In general I hope I'm more involved this year. I should plan some stuff out. Not today, today I'm too tired. That walk to and from campus is a killer as it is - try doing it twice in a day, both times after already being on your feet for hours! The distance to my house could prove to be a problem...

I have sort of missed one of the main purposes of societies: to meet people. People you have things in common with. That event was not the right setting for conversation, so it didn't happen. Maybe it wouldn't have, anyway, because like I mentioned, I don't share a passion for music. Or for anything. What am I passionate about? Do I just need a quick thrill every now and then? Maybe I actually will go to the caving society - the idea of it terrifies me, but maybe that's good.

I swear, my whole life is just this huge grey blur of things unknown...

Quiz Night

Today turned out to be far more eventful than I anticipated. I still haven't gotten any further than a spider diagram when it comes to my 'project' - this needs to be arranged into a question which can then be elaborated on in my abstract. See, I know what to do, it's just getting round to doing it. But anyway, today I met up with another friend who went to Japan (but to Waseda in Tokyo - an actually prestigious university, where I was just too scared to go!) and who just moved back to Canterbury yesterday - Myra. I thought it was only going to be quite a brief meeting. We wandered around Canterbury a little while before heading up to campus to try and get a timetable for Fresher's Week. Turns out that was online, so we could have gotten it anytime or place, but we went to the library to look over it. There's much more going on than I anticipated - I don't remember half this stuff from when I was a fresher! Maybe I just didn't know where to look. But anyway, we thought we may as well make the most of the time we have now. (don't worry - the work will get done. It always does)

The things we're going to do involve a forensic taster-day thing (why not?), Italian society (the description imples free food), fencing (to add a little excitement) and a quiz night, which was tonight. It didn't leave us enough time to go back to one of our houses for dinner, so we stayed on campus and ate at the Rutherford cafeteria. What a rip-off - in case you happen to find yourself there, just, don't. And then we wandered around campus some more to see what had changed. Though there are many small changes here and there, the biggest shock was Keynes.

Old Keynes (my room's at the top)

New Keynes

This is the college I technically belong to, and where I lived in my first year. First-off, the restaurant (where no student can afford to eat) has been modernised, and in my opinion ruined the park-like feel that it used to have sitting next to the pond. Behind the block where my room was located, the space has been vastly transformed with brand-new units of student housing. Good lord it's fancy. I do hope it costs an arm and a leg compared to perhaps the oldest accomodation on campus which lies directly next to it. Where's the equilibrium?! I could've lived there... had I just been a few years younger.

Scratch that, there's no knowing how things would be if I'd been born at a different time.

Oh, and as we made our way back round to the Gulbenkian where the quiz would be held, Campus Watch drove past us in a shiny Jeep. So that's what Kent does with all this money they're making. I don't really think that's what students want.

Myra and myself got a table inside. We were shortly joined by Steve, a good friend of hers who I have et a few times before. He spent a year abroad in Hong Kong, though I guess asking how it was isn't the best way to actually get information about it. I know this from first-hand experience. And then another guy - also named Steve - came in. I didn't (still don't really) know him. Other than he does Physics, has come back for a Masters, and got screwed over by Kent Hospitality thus leaving him temporarily homeless. The 2 Steves were saying something about how their names were spelt, whether it was with a "v" or a "ph" when in full, and what this supposedly means (all in jest of course). I couldn't quite hear them though to really know what the point was, or which they were. For some reason I picture them as "v"s. My Dad's a "ph".

The 'organisers' (if that's what you can call them) then told us we needed a bigger team, and put 4 Chinese girls with us. One of them soon disappeared. I felt bad for the rest, because although their English is very strong, they didn't really understand most of the quiz. For most of the time we didn't really get to talk to them either - they were clearly happy speaking in Mandarin. Then right at the end of the quiz, for whatever reason, me and Myra decided to see what kanji we could remember. The Chinese girls noticed:

"Oh! You can write Chinese?"

Us: "Well, no, to us this is Japanese"

Them: "Oh, I see. Well, a lot of them are the same"

We tested this out. They were really impressed with what we could do. I was kind of disappointed by how much I'd forgotten. I think I could pick it up again with practice. Kanji is really very logical - once you're taught how to see them. But, with this, it dawned on me that I can actually write Chinese. Not so much in that it would get me very far - I couldn't even compose a sentence. But knowing the characters are a start.

As you've noticed the quiz itself wasn't very important. I did focus on the questions - turns out I'm quite competetive, maybe I am an Aries afterall. Thing is we never got the answers, they were just marked for us with 1st, 2nd and last places announced. The questions were mainly stupid to begin with. We then walked home. I went with them so far but then had to go a different direction alone. The way we went was down to St Stephen's Road, which isn't a way I have often been. I was slightly apprehensive of being lost but soon recognised a few landmarks. I think it's quite an interesting part of Canterbury, at least in the dark. It's almost very countryside-ish. There's one particular section of road with just a few cast iron lamp posts and a red brick wall backing onto a park. I wish I had my camera with me. I'll take it up to campus tomorrow as there a few pictures I want to take for this post.

I'm off to bed now though. I look forwards to going to regular quizzes with Myra on a Sunday this year.

Yeah, we're cool.

One Week In

It's been a fairly eventful week, although it's about to slow down again. I met my first new housemate, which went suprisingly well. I say that because in most other circumstances, it would have been far too easy for me to fall back into my natural awquard state and just not... mix. But Kay's quite an outgoing person. A nice one (yes, sometimes I can find them a little intimidating, not this time though). And it turns out we're both into film - our tastes aren't exactly the same, but they overlap. So since neither of our terms have begun yet, we've both been bored and spent the evenings watching films together, and generally just talking. Isn't that nice? ^_^ Today's actually the first day I haven't really seen her much - she's decided she needs to be productive and so has been working (possibly) hard in her room. I was supposed to, too. But that didn't happen. I'm only just getting round to writing this and I meant to much earlier. What on earth have I been doing?? Old habits die hard, as the saying goes.

This week I also met up with one of the girls on my course who went to Kansai Gaidai: Sarah. It really is nice to have people who shared an experience with you; although they were still very different experiences. Not that we even talked about Japan - it's just an unspoken understanding. I mentioned the brief job I had over summer, and as it turns out, she also worked for the Cobra group briefly last summer. Apparently I lasted longer than her - why didn't I just give up sooner? It was never going to work! I must just be too stubborn. Its weird that I still miss the office atmosphere though. I just loved the energy and found the whole thing... fascinating. Anyway, we talked a little about our respective final year project/dissertation. Yet another person who's a better student than me. And we also both helped out our department at an Open Day, which was yesterday.

How did I forget how much I love the anthropology department!? It does have its problems - mainly organisation, which is hardly unique. But it's not a subject that anyone does if they don't have a passion for it. That really shows. I was out in the Sports Hall just being available for any future students' questions that relate to my experience, and I could direct them over to the table where some of the lecturers were sat for more specific inquiries. The staff changed roughly every hour, so I got to see a fair few of them, having not seen them for over a year. I was so suprised, and so touched, that some of them remembered me. One lecturer in particular who was my Seminar leader for only one module in the first year! I just think that they see so many students, how could they possibly remember? Maybe I have been more involved than I initially thought. And then my supervisor came by. I chose well. She told me that it was her idea to offer the extended assignment to those of us in Japan when the earthquake happened, so that we'd have the option to come back without worrying. She's just so supportive. And I don't think she's oblivious to the fact that I can be lazy, I've been honest about that, but then she knows my record and that I've never missed a deadline. I wouldn't say my work's poor quality either, though I feel I could improve on it. [I really need to stop wasting days like today]. I really am keen to get back into the swing of things now. I might be dreading saying this when the time comes to it, but hurry up and pass next two weeks!!!

There are no plans for another Open Day before October/November even, and so there won't really be anything else for me to do. Except read. If I got a page read every time I just thought about working, I would be so much further ahead... Oh, and it's Sarah's birthday one day next week; we're supposed to be going for a meal, and that might be another good opportunity to meet new people!

Final thought for now: something before reminded me that it's festival (or 祭り : matsuri) season in Japan now. One of my favourite ever events in the entire year was the danjiri matsuri we went on a fieldtrip to see around Korea Town, in Osaka. I wanted to hunt down every festival like that afterwards, not realising the huge variety in Japanese festivals, and that they all tend to be just in Autumn and Spring (to do with harvests and fertility). It's hard to explain what really grabbed me about this event. But I want to go back now. I guess, just like my sales job, it was the energy. Like in capoeira, it's essential to have axe. I'd also really like to go back to that society this year - I was only with them for one term in my first year, but I loved my Muzenza family.

Energy's like a drug.

Slow Going

I’m back in Canterbury now, in my new house. New to me that is, not new build. All on my lonesome (not that that’s much of a change to back in Salford, even when my brother’s home too). I don’t know why moving is so exhausting – it’s not like I have to do much. I think it’s just a mental thing, especially since I’d never seen this house before and I didn’t know how to judge it. But it’s really very nice, and an insurmountable improvement on the year before last. There’s no TV and we don’t have the internet quite sorted out yet, so the house has been very quiet. Except for the different house sounds. They made me a little nervous. That, and the landlady who was a little... overbearing. Don’t get me wrong, she was pleasant, but I really only needed to know how the boiler worked and where the mains were; yet she proceeded to locate every single thing in the house and demonstrate how to lock the door. Please, love, give me a break. Anyway, after she left, and my dad helped me unpack some things before he left himself, it was just up to me to adjust. I lay on my new bed and started to read Richard Lewis’ autobiography. I got roughly 30 pages in before I fell asleep. I’m such a bad reader. Yet, I realised in those 30 pages that his writing style is just so similar to my own – conversational, for lack of a better word. And his mentality isn’t too far off my own either. If such a thing as a kindred spirit exists: he’s mine (or one of mine – I wouldn’t want to make that exclusive). Oh, if I were born in a different time and place...

That’s not really even one of the books on my reading list – it’s just for my own interest. Today I woke up early (relative to when I have been getting up) due to my crashing out so early the night before. Headed out to get a few groceries without a meal plan of any sort, so it’s just cupboard stuff and freezeable items. They’ll get used eventually. And then for lack of any other ideas, I finally picked up one of my books for researching my special project. This particular book caused me one hell of a crisis when I found it online. It’s Larissa Petrillo’s “Being Lakota: Identity and Tradition on PineRidge Reservation”. I had said for years beforehand how if I were to become a professional anthropologist, I would want to work with the Lakota of Pine Ridge on issues of identity – so to find that it had been done already was crushing. As an anthropologist, you really do have to stake your claim to ‘your people’. I was slightly wrong though, as this book is a case study/life history and focuses more on the Sun Dance, touching on feminist issues. Not exactly what I had in mind. What did I have in mind? I’m not exactly sure, it’s very vague. I clearly haven’t done near enough research into this. I’m such a fail academic. It doesn’t help that reading sends me to sleep. Why can’t every source of knowledge be in documentary form??

1 chapter down (I’m already a few chapters in, thankfully) and I gave up. I wanted to head up to campus. This house is further out from the centre than I’m used to – about a 20 minute walk, which isn’t too bad, but wait until we get to the middle of winter. I suddenly noticed how much of an inner-city girl I must be, with the pace I was walking compared to everyone else, and the lack of attention I was really giving to anything around me. It’s just an effective way of getting from A to B as far as I’m concerned. I wonder if that ruins the ambience of this quaint little city that so many tourists come to see. I’d forgotten about them: traffic! I didn’t do anything interesting once I got to campus. Just found out the module codes so that I can take Spanish (still don’t have a timetable btw), and then went to the library to use the internet. The lobby’s changed a fair bit – for some reason I didn’t have to scan my ID to get in, but the turnstile things were still there. Figure that out as we go. I used the coffee machine in Essentials on my way back to try and address my current grogginess, and had the manager [I think] stand pretty much over my shoulder, asking “is it any good?” – I don’t know, I’ve not got it yet! He asked because the machine was new; well then you’d better hope it’s good, it cost more than the old one.

Canterbury: off the highstreet, leading to the cathedral.

From the blog "Let's Visit"

Well, right now I’m sat at my new desk just finishing up my day. If only I had more to do/prepare. It’s not my fault anymore – I’m waiting on other people. I’ve just read a little more tonight, trying to narrow down what exactly to do with identity I want to study. In the vague sense that my ideas exist right now, it’s to do with how people accept their identity. How they relate to being what they are. Where do I even begin? That’s internal, and I can only objectively research the outward expression. Tricky. I’ll have it sorted in a couple of weeks, ready to speak to my supervisor (though I already asked for her advice, with no reply). Then just to get on with the actual work. Once I’m putting things down on paper [well... screen] I’ll be happier.

Time for some more Prince of Pain memoirs. Good night x

(P.S. I wrote this Thursday – had to wait to post it. I wonder what I’ll do/did do on Friday?)

This is the last post before things really get started...

... and you've no idea how really eager I am for things to start. So much nothingness!

But, I move back to Canterbury in 2 days. I've had a stack of books on the arm of my chair for months that I just didn't read. Hopefully I actually will once I'm out of here, making use of the 3 weeks I'll have before classes start. That's something else I'd like to sort out - I am already registered for my modules, but I want to change a couple, and it would be especially nice to see a timetable. I've recieved nothing from Kent, not even in regard to things I've requested. How useless. There's little wonder I'm mainly uninvolved in university life. It's just another thing to get out of the way.



I don't want to be so negative, really. Every year I start with renewed hope and the best of intentions; these rarely come to fruition. Funnily enough this was mentioned in a speech by Nick Clegg on education that I partially read before. Everything there sounded good, there wasn't too much to disagree with, and I do believe that all politicians have good intentions. Things just aren't as simple as they are on paper (and in their situation it's just impossible to please everyone - I don't have to worry about that; only thinking of myself here).

There's just no fight left in me, is there? And I've already lost focus...

What am I writing again?

I've generally been lacking in any kind of thinking recently. It's exhausting being bored. I need the new year (even though it can only ever be so new when it's still England and a city I've lived in for 2 years already). But in spite of my incessant pursuit of novelty, things keep cropping up that remind me of past plans: failed.  I don't think I've mentioned here that right before I left Japan, I'd booked a 4-day trip to Mongolia to learn to ride a horse out on the Steppe (with this company). Where better?! The earthquake happened just a couple of weeks before I was due to go, and that changed a lot. However it wasn't the only reason I didn't go in the end: it's almost painful to admit this, but I made a really stupid mistake in not properly looking into visa requirements. Why didn't I know that Mongolia was part of China? Of course you would need a visa! How I was supposed to ever get that organised from Osaka is a tricky one; but that doesn't matter now. Anyway, since I came back home there have been an unsettling amount of occurences reminding me that I never got to go. They're just stupid little things, like it being the answer in a quiz show, or it being mentioned on a travel programme - the worst was that when I was in the sales job, the office was based above a Mongolian restaurant (note to self: go to eat there next time you're home). It's still on my list of places to visit, though (imagining there is such a list).

Beautiful Mongolia. Taken from the Guardian online

Another thing that's only come up in the past couple of weeks, after mentioning it in my last post, is my dream to work with animals. A few days ago I met up again with a friend in Manchester. As we were walking around, we came to a stall in the markets near Picadilly Gardens that was full of wildlife photography. They were stunning, but what enthused me more was that the woman who took them had studied the subject at degree level, and then got to spend time out in Africa with the animals. I said that when I was a child, I wanted to be a zoo keeper and that I would still probably enjoy it. Now, I have gotten a little more intelligent, and even though I don't particularly have a head for science I'd decided that if that were the path my life headed down, then I would like to work on a breeding programme. It's a vital part of what zoos do, and I like the idea of giving so much attention and energy to just one species, making sure to get it right. I caught the end of a programme on BBC1 last night entitled "Nature's Miracle Babies"... it's just too perfect; it's like fate is taunting me. I like to think that I still have these options if nothing else really happens for me. I know it's unrealistic; but it's better to have ideas than be stuck. What would my species be? I've always been into large carnivores: the big cats, wolves, hyenas, bears... but in my first year of uni I wrote an essay on the importance of the Buffalo to Native Americans. That seems like a really worthwhile project. But then, when it comes to endangered species, what wouldn't be worthwhile?

The elusive and critically endangered Clouded Leopard (neofelis nebulosa).
Taken from ARKive.org

Y'know, "what if?" is a really interesting question when you've got nothing else to think about.

Time for that to change.

Aspirations (Did I lose the ability to really dream? Or did I just get wise?)

So, I guess now is as good of a time as any to discuss my different ideas for what will happen in my life after I graduate, next year. This is the epitome of what I mean by limbo. I'll break this up into 3 general options, as that may possibly make the final decision easier closer to the time: these are Masters, Career or Internship/Work Abroad. The plan is to refer back to this throughout the year as I get more information and things become more concrete. We can see how things change then.

Masters

   I always wanted to carry on education for as long as possible. For my entire life, it's really all I've known (never having held down a job for very long). But that's lost it's appeal. Probably due to having been in it for so much time; and the fact that it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere. I could just get my BA and be done with it - start slowly working off my debt. Really though, that's not enough. The way things have gone, a Bachelor's really isn't worth anything anymore. So many people have them! Of course they have had to put the work in; it's not exactly easy. I just wish it was more prestigious (not by only making it available to those who can afford it). I always did well in school, it's clearly just the way I work. But I also know people who always struggled in school and still got a degree. So what does it even mean?

   Obviously, the further you go into education, the more specialist your studies are. Like I've mentioned briefly before, my interests (specifically in anthropology) lie in minority populations and questions of identity. And, as always, there's the draw with Plains Tribes. That's very do-able. Especially if I was to go to America where Native American Studies is available wildly - it's not very big here in the UK, understandably. I figured it would only make sense to go that far if it involved the possibility of some field research - so that rules out the coasts, and thus the 'bigger' unis (in CA and NY). I spent an obsessed week or so trawling through the internet, going State by State, to look for the best courses in areas that might work. I came up with a list of 14; 2 of my very favourites are Ball State U in Indiana, and New Mexico State U, for the flexibility they offer. Even then I'd say they were on the borders of the precise area I'd want to visit, but it's close enough *probably seriously underestimating the size of the country - again*. What I didn't take into consideration was the cost - I didn't dare. I already knew I couldn't afford it. But then I realised that with the way the system works in the US, it would probably take at least 2 years of study. Adding tuition fees and living expenses, in order to do this, I would need about £50k. Cheers. If it ever happens, I'm probably going to be at least 30, and by then I would already like to have a career.

   Speaking of which...

Career

   I've changed my mind so much about this question. My first ever dream, when I was just a kid, was to be a zoo keeper. I still wanted to do that when I finished college (and subsequently went to Northampton Uni/Moulton College for a year intending to do a BSc in Applied Animal Studies). I think I would still enjoy that even now, but what that one year taught me was that I'm not made for any kind of practical work. Especially not with sheep. Goats have always hated me too... Ruminants... Where does that leave me with buffalo?? Anyway, I had to get more realistic about what I would do. More important to keep in mind was that I had to be happy in what I was doing. Otherwise there's no point. And ultimately, what I want is the freedom to travel. If that means having the money to do so, then so be it - but I'll never sell my soul (keep me away from the marketing world!).

   Somehow, I got the idea that HR could be a good option. I looked into it. Depending on the company, being ivolved in HR could mean a variety of things. Ultimately though, it stands for 'Human Relations', so it is dealing with people, and (in theory) making the work environment better. So it's appealing. And because it's business, it could include a considerable salary. But then again, because it's business, how much does the human element actually come into effect? It might also be impossible for me to break into since my degree straddles the social sciences and humanities. No economics at all (reckon I could reference Marcel Mauss "The Gift" in an interview? Or score some points with a fascinating overview of hunter-gatherer economies?). To be honest this is my most likely path - I'll go to the careers advisory in the next few months for help. They may actually be able to help me with this. They were never very good with handling some of my other ideas (even the zoo thing seemed ridiculous to them).

  Another idea, which I don't know whether it's even an official job or not, is in community development. It would probably be governmental, right? Hope that doesn't mean I should understand the ins and outs of politics. That's beyond me. If this is something I can pursue, then I really think it will have to take me out of England. There's no community here. Or, I've never experienced it. I've lived in the same house my entire life, but I don't know the neighbours, and I'm not sure there are any community centres or services around. That won't bode well in an interview. Perhaps I ought to be the person to try and introduce it, but I just don't have the heart for it. Not here, I mean. I don't know - I only got this idea after coming accross a fair few volunteer projects abroad in this field.

Internships/Work Abroad

   There are a million chances to volunteer overseas, in places that really need it... if you have thousands of pounds to spare. I have some savings, which would afford me a couple of months somewhere "exotic". But after my 7 month stint in Japan, I can really appreciate the benefits of being away for an extended period of time. I value the everyday; and anticipate the unknown becoming the known. So, if I want to go somewhere for a minimum of 6 months, then I am going to have to be paid whilst I'm there.

   Again, America crossed my mind - Native communities. But I can't expect for places as poor as that to put me up somewhere and then to pay me. They need volunteers. I would happily do that on the side of work, if travelling to the reservations (or community centres for those tribes who don't have any land left) was viable. The only things I could find that are really nearby are in some of the national parks; working in either the forestry department or catering & hospitality. It doesn't... excite me in any way (other that that I'd be in a national park - that would be phenomenal). It's an option though. Something else that came up was internships at businesses in the big cities. Well - that could be my first link to a potential HR career. And I would like to go to New York. It's not the plains, but there is something magical about it. Anything in the States is bound to be competitive. I'll definitely try. At the end of the day, if I just want out of the country for a while, then I can always teach English. Don't think I'd make a very good teacher, but English is my language! Surely that can't go catastrophically wrong! In particular - this one programme in Guatemala stood out to me. It involves community deveopment, and you can get a BTEC in leadership, too. I don't speak a word of Spanish, but I plan to take classes next year. You can go to so many places if you speak Spanish...

Like everything else right now, I just don't know what's going to happen. But these are all options. They're far from inconceivable. It's just a case of making it happen (not everything, but you get the drift). I wonder what things happen to different people in their lives that puts them on whatever tracks. There are just so many options! And for some people, none of this is even important. They just want to get by comfortably, and that's fine. I couldn't do it. Maybe I'm just greedy.

Inspiration

Last night, me and my brother watched the BBC4 special American: The Bill Hicks Story. It was something seriously powerful. I've seen some of his stand-up before, and it's not that I disliked it at all, I just didn't find it that funny. After this, however, and now knowing a little of his life history, all of a sudden I seem to have this brand new awareness and appreciation for him. Maybe the problem before was that I understood him too much, without even realising it. His observations about American society shouldn't really be funny; but then I guess you do have to take it with a pinch of salt, or else you might just become suicidal. What struck me most in the programme was how much I felt I could relate to Bill - not so much in what he did, because in that respect we couldn't be more different; but just in the way he saw things. I won't ever know, because we'll never meet. Not in this lifetime.

Anyway, this is just the way that I understand him. Example: When he did drugs (specifically mushrooms), which altered his consciousness, he became aware of the connected-ness of things, and what makes us fundamentally human - "love". (It's hard to use that word and feel serious at the same time - why is that?). This basic system of humanity is undermined by all our institutions, designed to help us function 'better', but not really effective anymore. Bill felt that we've simply evolved past them; they are defunct. I get that, I get all of it. Even without the drugs. Perhaps one of the benefits of having eyes as pale as mine is that the pupils are in a constant state of dilation. At least compared to everyone else's. And no this isn't based on any kind of science. Try to take everything I say with a pinch of salt, too.

Another thing mentioned was how he just interpreted things differently, like the Waco, TX siege of 1993. I get that, too. Like, most recently here in England, we had to deal with those riots (analysed in a somewhat typical fashion by The Daily Mail). Granted, it's not on the same scale of the Waco event. But it spread around the country; that says something, doesn't it? So many people's gut reactions to the whole event was "the rioters are simple thugs", "it's just opportunism", "they're morally bankrupt". It sickens me. Not that I ever condone violence, but whatever situations these individuals have found themselves in is what drove them to action. Not that I believe they were explicitly making a poltical statement, either. It's just visceral. What's worse is what came after that: the government's input. Especially because this government is Tory. It's all about the punishment! They blame the lack there-of; because of course the under-class, the majority, must be controlled. Let's go back to the good ol' days, eh? I'm sure we'd all rather have the cain, child labour and capitol punishment any day, right?

Victorian mill. Taken from the blog Lisa's History Room

We've evolved.

Apparently, a lot of people have respect for Bill Hicks because of his bravery. Bravery? I don't know. It was a different time and place. Perhaps. He's just telling truths - that ought to be easy. It's certainly the way I intend to do things. Honesty, honestly. I started writing this post because I was inspired. Inspired by one man's sincere social commentary. I can do that. And I will. Whenever inspiration strikes. I might not be the most intelligent person, and you might not think my writing's the most artistic. That's fine - I'm not trying to impress anyone. This is just how I think. And thought is a process, subject to change the more you learn. Don't let egos or affiliations get in the way of truths. There can be a lot of complexities involved in that, but really, they're so basic.