This has gotten to be a real problem now

When did I last write? A week ago? Two maybe? Because since then, I've been really out of sorts. Unable to focus on work, or anything at all in fact. That whole PhD thing must have just pushed me over the edge, but something's got to be done about this mini breakdown of mine. I'm all too aware of my deadlines - they're approaching and I'm doing nothing about it. I can't stress how important this year is, and I can see it all tumbling down, yet I'm still finding it hard to care. I just keep telling myself that it'll work out. It better had.

My mum came to visit me for a couple of days this week. I'm not sure why at this point. Don't get me wrong, it was nice having her here. But I can't help thinking it was partly just because she wanted to come, when originally I thought I had her worried about my lack luster outlook. We didn't talk about work. except my asking what she had to do whilst I was on campus (I still managed to go to classes, which is a plus). Actually, her being here may have just gotten in the way of the social side of things, which have also taken a turn for the worse recently. I never really see my friends now, excpet the one day a week that I have classes with them (even then it's sometimes only brief). They had lunch together on Wednesday, which I would have gone to as well had I not a mother to entertain. She didn't know, and I know she woldn't have made me stay with her, but it's just manners. Anyway, I know we can make up for that another time. And then there's the conference - I missed another meeting on Thursday. All I can say on that is I'm very much out the loop now and it's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fairly sure Tribe don't mind. I only complicated things by wanting it not to be "organised by Tribe". *shudder* Well, she's gone home now, and I don't know what the visit achieved. I still haven't done anything related to my degree (except fret over it).

I'm finding hard to recall exactly what I have done. Watched a lot of stuff and eaten a lot of crap. After me and my housemate Kay watched a DVD the other day (which we do far too often, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling to work), we went back to the TV, and the new Star Trek film was on. I've never watched the series, though I could recognise a few characters. I didn't expect to be so blown away by it. Mainly caused by the fact that I may be a tiny bit in love with Spock. Since then I did start to watch the series - I don't think I'll ever lose that obsessive side. Why did I never want to watch it before?! It might be a sci-fi from the 60s, but it's really soooo good.

So now I'm a Trekkie, huh? Taken from aboutmyrecovery.com's blog

 

Have I used any brain power at all, though? Perhaps. Usually while walking home my mind will wander. A recurring theme has been education. As I learn things on my course, I start to question why I never knew these things before, why I didn't learn them growing up. Obviously there are certain details I wouldn't expect a child to be taught - for instance in Southern Med last week, the topic was Israel, and I finally understand the situation there and the conflict with Palestine much better. Perhaps if I knew more about Judaism that issue would have been graspable at an earlier stage. But in general I just seem to have had a lack of awareness about global issues. What was I ever taught about the world? Maybe I just have a very bad memory, but I don't think we ever talked about foreign countries in primary school. It seems so important to me now. [What am I on about, "seems"?] I often think about language, and how I never got anywhere with Spanish, and I'm forgetting my Japanese. I believe everyone should speak 2 languages, at least. English may be very widely spoken, but it's only fair that we make an effort too, no? It's very difficult to get into now, now that English is so natural and everything else... not. I also think everyone should play an instrument, as it's an artform that uses intelligence. I remember the music classes in school - they start everyone on the recorder, and there may be a few tamborines scattered about, but not much else. I only learned the violin because of the influence of a friend's family (who were very musical) and my mother's force. But even then, the violin is very predictable for this country. I now want to play the erhu, which is Chinese - how would ever have known of that instrument's existence without the experiences I've had in the last few years? (I should explain - I first saw it in Saiunkoku Monogatari, my favourite anime - a Japanese medium I only got into because of friends who watched it - I didn't know what it was before). That then makes me question, why do other people know about these things, and not me? Maybe it's been my family. We are 'common'. And we aren't alone in that. But it doesn't justify it. If only school had opened my eyes instead of fixing me in this routine of doing what's required and just passing tests.

I still don't have an answer as to why I don't want to do anything lately.

I'm scared that I'm throwing it all away.

Chaos

This term... what to say about this term... we're 1/3 of the way there, which is scary when I look at how much work I have to do. But right now, I'm in stasis, and unfortunately it's not of the I just don't care type. Last week was hell. Or was it? I feel like hell now, but maybe that just means last week was unnecessarily eventful. I'll get straight to it:

   I went to see my supervisor on Monday, after she emailed me to check-up. She beat me to the punch. I had nothing to show her, and I panicked about how little I'd read over the past couple of months, but when I actually went to see her it was fine. She's so lovely. And for some bizzarre reason trusts me. She just wanted to see the new abstract, which I could do since I'm pretty much ready to write my whole introduction; I just haven't. The other thing she really wanted to speak to me about was applying for post-grad - she wanted to recommend me for an ESRC scholarship at Kent that would cover all my fees and give me a living stipend (on which I could do research) for the 4 years it would take to get a PhD. That's amazing, right?! However, as we know here, I was thinking of going elsewhere for postgrad, and of giving myself a break to try something new and figure it all out... but I was flattered she thought so highly of me. Then we had a dep't meeting on Wednesday (obvs. I was there as course rep), and afterwards, the head of school approached me about the same issue. The Head of School! This man doesn't know me very well, probably only by face, but for him to come to me about it and not other people, it was clear they must have been dicussing it.

   So this is an avenue to seriously consider, right? To be able to research what I want to research and not worry about funding is the ultimate opportunity. But, oh yeah, I should have mentioned that the deadline for said funding is the 10th Feb. The issue had really been atthe back of my mind until then, and so to come up with something amazing in the next week was a bit... 0_0 Of course this deadline also makes me question their moivations for really pushing me now, why didnt' they suggest it sooner? Anyway, I put my research hat on and spent the next few days figuring out how it all worked and what I could possibly do. I didn't know who to turn to for questions. I emailed my supervisor once but her reply was quite short and she recommended I send a draft proposal to another member of staff, who is convenor of the Visual MA I was consindering doing. This guy's on study leave and doesn't really know me either, I didn't quite feel comfortable with that - plus I didn't have a draft to send. And I thought the proposal was for the PhD, not the MA, so I still don't understand the logic. Then I met with a friend, Lynn, who is also applying. She'd already come up with her proposal as she'd been applying for some other universities, but again was asked to apply to Kent quite late on. But she was willing to help me understand the process. She told me I'm supposed to have applied to and been accepted by Kent before I apply for the funding, which would mean I'd need to have that done by, well, today. More pressure then.

   I locked myself away for the rest of the weekend. My supervisor had said I could just extend my undergrad project, which makes it sound easy. For one though, I wouldn't actually want to research the NAC - anthropologists are disliked enough already without dealing with something so sensitive as religion. And in order to sell ny project to the funding board, I'd have to prove why it's a unique project and needs doing. That's where it gets really difficult. There are entire degrees relate to Native American Studies (I know, I want to do one) and I imagine very little that hasn't been done. But hat's just it: I don't know. The amount I've already learned this year is astounding, and that's just in one aspect of Great Plains life (if I can generalise for now). I thought maybe I'd be better suited to studying urban Indians and their connections with the larger tribal community, but again this is new to me and I know nothing about it. I looked up books, and yes, they exist. It doesn't mean I can't do it, as in fact it's better that there's information to be found and be built on, but without having started researching the area how am I meant to find my niche?

  Well, I got stressed. Very stressed. After speaking to my mum on Sunday, she said it was very clear that I'm not ready yet. I'm not. Not when I'm going to have to find everything out by myself from scratch. That's why I was looking at going to the States in the first place; that's where the knowledge is - for some reason it just hasn't come to this country. So if this weekend alone is a snapshot of what my postgrad years would be like, then I don't want it. But I had dared myself to imagine getting the money, and going out to Oklahoma to meet some Comanche (it makes sense to me to carry on with them when I finally do get to do research). So I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day watching films/documentaries, and sulking. I perhaps didn't realise quite how strained I'd been until I went to bed and inexplicably started crying.

   This actually makes me angry. I was pretty much sorted with my (none) plan. Why did they have to come to me with this offer? If they'd never mentioned it I would have been fine. My supervisor knew I wanted to wait/go elsewhere. They must have had pressure from the higher-ups to get more people signed up. But this isn't a game - it's my goddamn future. And now, feeling shit as I am, like I'm wasting an opportunity or something, I'm behind with work [you've no idea how much work I was going to crank out this weekend before this distraction] Above all else this year should be a priority. It isn't going well.

Now, a lot more has (probably) happened since I last wrote. I've watched a lot of decent films. Yesterday was Lantana with Geoffry Rush, which I really recommend.

   Oh and I also had that phone interview: it went terribly. It wasn't advertised as a sales job, although I had the impression it was a part of it - I saw it more as a service (recruitment), which is what I replied when she asked how I felt about working in a sales environment. I wouldn't have wanted that job anyway to be honest, so I don't care too much. It just makes me worry about what I'll actually do next year since I definitely won't be studying.

   There's also that conference, which has slipped to the back of my mind. It's hard to know how well it's going, as it's still very much an 'inside' thing it seems. I've given up trying to send emails. People aren't dealing with them.

I should at least today go up to campus for my only lecture at 4. It snowed this weekend. I dont want to walk up that hill. But I have to get back on track... Wish me luck.

Reconfigurement

As of this Sunday, I've been back in Canterbury. This is good news. Never, before this year, have I wanted to be away from home so much (aside from when I was in Japan, for obvious reasons... until the earthquake etc. Either way, that year changed a lot in me!). Anyway, that means I could get back to being productive. It's not been perfect, I must admit, but really just so much better.

Today, for instance, I haven't really worked on my project at all. I've gone through what notes I have on my reading already, and realised that I'm not even half way to what I need research wise (perhaps a quarter, at a stretch). In fact, I added 3 references yesterday, so I think it can be done quite quickly if I can find the sources. It's a peculiar state to be in, being both confident and panicked. The most exciting development so far is that I may be able to get some direct information about the Native American Church, as a friend of mine has a Navajo friend who is a member. She's going to pass along my questions, and hopefully he'll be comfortable answering them (it was noted that religion/spirituality is a really sensitive topic; I'm aware of this, but I can't avoid it if that's what I'm studying). I'm very lucky to be able to do this though - even though he's Navajo and they aren't my focus, I think it should be useful. Anything I can learn from is good. Which has persuaded me to contact more people. I'll look into it tomorrow. I have already been looking for NAC websites, but only seen a couple, and I question the legitimacy of one I did contact. So maybe it will be academics I contact rather than participants. That will still work. Still, it's a shame I didn't read more (remember those 2 books I mentioned I hadn't quite gotten through? Yeah... still not finished with them).

I applied for another job today as well (after realising I'd missed another deadline for an application I was very nearly done with - that's quite infuriating, I was so sure I had time!) In fact, Ive already been invited for a telephone interview for a job I applied for on Monday. So things are looking up. Best not to dwell on the fact that these jobs aren't exactly a passion of mine, but not knowing exactly what I want to do anyway means that I can't really achieve that. It doesn't mean I won't enjoy the jobs I've applied for; it's just that they're in business, which is quite intimidating, and I'm wondering how involved with people I'll actually be allowed to be - will I just have to meet the business' demands? I hope we're not going the way America has gone: corporations are not people!

*sucks it up* An opportunity is an opportunity. If I don't take it, what's going to happen? Nothing.

I have to be more careful about what I write. I'm not sure that I do want to go into journalism, as nice as it would be to be published, but I have mentioned this blog in job applications a couple of times. It's hardly professionally written. I know there are typos, and I'm revealing all my weaknesses, and I think most stupidly of all, I've mentioned people that I probably shouldn't have by name. Maybe I ought to change that.

Well, it's nearly Friday. As productive as the above apperas, especially in comparison with the last however long, it's not enough. Really just gotta get on with it. But also have to leave the house tomorrow. Campus bound, then? What of the rest of tonight... well, every night so far I've been reading Saiunkoku Mongatari mangas (it's my favourite anime series, the reason I bought myself an erhu, and my brother got me the first 3 books for Christmas), but I'm done! They're so easy to read, especialy when you already know the story... it makes me so happy! I've finally seen Hoju 'Kijin' Kou's face, and I'm anticipating the introduction of my favourite character Ryuuren Ran *hopefully* in the next book. It's insane how much I love this fantasy world. It's just beautiful in every way...

You'd be hard-pressed to make me care right now

Is "hard-pressed" even a saying/word thing? Not that its important, since I assume you know what I mean.

Anyway, yet again, it's been a while. A long while! What happened? Lots of stuff, I'm sure - it was end of term, I was busy. I didn't stop caring about writing this, it's something I like to do and am aware of the potential in it... it just didn't happen for a while. And what about now? Well, it's Christmas, and I'm back home. Ya~~ay. I bet you can really sense my enthusiasm. *yawn*.

Y'know, before I came back, I had this list of things (in my head, I never write stuff down) that I wanted to get done once I was here and had the time. Important stuff, too - like my dissertation that I feel very behind on, job applications and general after-graduation decisions. It just doesn't matter though. That's ridiculous Hannah! Of course it matters! But... meh. Best argument there ever was.

I have read, here and there, though not finished with the 2 books I've been reading simultaneously for the past week. With a balance of 80% not-work, 20% work (and some of that being skim-reading, too). Somehow, today, I've gotten myself to the point where I feel like it'll all work out, when for the past month or so I've been panicking about it just not being do-able. Did I tell you that I narrowed down my topic to the peyote religion in the specific instances of the Lakota and Comanche? I don't know anything about peyote! I know they use it in the Native American Church, but is it exclusive to that? And how on earth am I going to find out who in the tribes actually does this, and what else they do, and why? There are still problems... Oh and it will all be from books - I don't think an undergraduate project is significant enough to warrant my contacting someone in the US who may be involved; I don't suspect they're happy to share this information with anyone, especially anthropologists, if that's what I am.

[It just occurred to me that if I keep discussing it here, I may end up plagiarising myself. Stupid, but apparently possible.]

Why don't we just get until the actual end of the year to do this, like other dissertations? I fell behind because I couldn't balance thinking about this on top of my other modules. I might suprise myself with what I can get done under pressure (I've always ultimately left things right until the deadline - though this term I wasn't happy with either of my essays once I actually went to hand them in. That's right, "either", as in I only had 2. Pathetic).

There are all sorts of things I have to tell you about what was going on at the end of term. Course rep things, 5000 essay problems (understatement) and this thing called Tribe that I may have, or not, mentioned. The anthropology society - ring any bells? It started up last year by a group of friends, and everything they're doing/trying to do is great, but I'm not alone in finding it hard to get involved. In fact, even though I know the Tribe people and they are nice people, I still cringe a little every time I hear thet they're doing something. Having a name like that implies that it's a specific group, and you're either in or out. But since it's based on the subject/the department, it should just be open to the department, right? The major thing right now they're planning is an undergraduate conference for anth students around the country. It's an excellent idea; and even though I've done what I can to be involved so far, I still find myself using the word "they" because I doubt (despite their fronts) that outside input is really valued. There was some kind of structure in terms of 'roles' of things to be done, but to me a lot of it overlapped, and if people just did 'their thing' independently, then there would be a lot of problems but not a lot of progress. In my opinion. And the couple of people heading it don't really seem to mind making the decisions between themselves. It just seems as though the concepts of co-operation and communication have been forgotten by a lot of people. I'm not even sure that most other people in our own department know what's going on, even though, as course rep, I asked that an email be sent out about it. The people I asked hadn't gotten it. I wouldn't bother anymore, but the CV has been on the mind...

Speaking of which, I started a job application - something in local government - that I haven't yet finished. I'm sure the deadline's approaching, but I'm stuck. I'm up to a page of 4 sections, asking things like "tell us about your extra curricular activities, and any roles of responsibility you have held" (I don't have hobbies, really, and never run for roles of 'power' - I've got a whole philosophy about that); or, "describe a time when you've had to work in a group toward a particular goal" (I... don't know). Oh, I'm also aware of how little I know about politics, but the original, and simple point of government is surely just to help people/make things better. Seems like a good job. Just doubting that I will actually finish the application in time. I should be looking at other things to.

But things have just stopped. As always. That's why I decided to go back to Canterbury early (well... a week early - have to travel on the weekend and unfortunately this year, both holidays fall on weekends, which stratches the wait out).

'Tis the season to be jolly.

I wish.

Home is the Place where Nothing Happens

I really struggled to make myself get up this morning - my body just feels so heavy, so tired. That could partly be because the weather's gone crazy: lots of thick, eerie mist lately. Winter's here. I've probably got a cold. But I think it's mainly because the last 2 days have been very long and very busy. It sounds almost pathethic.

"typical student. 2 days and they've had enough!" 

But these aren't like ordinary days.

Monday is the only day where I have lectures, 1st one at 9am, other one at 4. In between that I planned on getting loads of reading done, but actually I spent the day with another of my anthropologist friends who went to Denmark - Lynn. She showed me this site, sporcle.com, with all sorts of mini games and quizzes, which we then spent a couple of hours distracted by; but we were also talking about our course, as always, and whether or not it's actually preparing us for afterwards (she is currently working on her application for a PhD - I still feel very far from ready for that!). Such thoughts carry a lot of weight; there's a lot of grounding in our current situation. If that doesn't wear you out then the lecture that followed would as she almost reiterated worries about debt/work/retirement/the end of the world. Following that I went to see my personal tutor, who I've never met, to raise a couple of issues I'm having (namely Spanish) - that is what they're there for, but unfortunately it was a little uncomfortable and I didn't get much out of it... Anyway, I then went and met up with friends again in Rutherford bar. I do love that everyone happens to be around on a Monday!

Yesterday should have been a day off, but I agreed with Myra that we'd go up to campus early to get a lot of work done. I was out the house by 9:30 (go me), and I actally did get some reading done; though as I was jumping about a bit, trying to formulate my topic for my next (Theoretical) essay, it's hard to remember exactly what. I'm going to go and see the convenor tomorrow to discuss it, as although I know I've got something of a good idea, it keeps confusing me. I literally think my 'line of thinking' (as they call it) has tied me in a knot. At 2pm Myra had a lecture, in Visual Anthropology - I went along, too. That's just how I procrastinate :P Actually, since I have been to a couple of the screenings, I know that I'm interested in the topic. And I really enjoyed the lecture! Mass media, and indigenous media, and 'inverse'/satirical anthropology: that's amazing. Why didn't I take this class?! We then went back and did a little bit of reading before 4pm when DICE (Durrell Institute of Conservation Ecology - part of our department) were hosting an informal debate, between their lectures, over which animal should represent the dept. It was odd being there, as we didn't really 'belong' and they all seemed to know each other, but it was still fun! Geeky fun, but that's the best kind. I'd really like to see our soc anth lecturers argue over a similarly trivial issues; perhaps proving to us that we really don't have to be so neurotic over deconstructng everything. After a vote at the end, and I don't know what kind of logic, the animal chosen was a tardigrade - I'd like to see that on their hoodies. Anyway, at 6:30 it was then the annual Stirling Lecture, where a guest speaker comes in to present their work. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this wouldn't be like an undergrad lecture - I have been to them before - really intense, with lote of ideas, and I'm not entirely sure I followed (by that I mean not at all). From what I got though there were some good ideas. I know I wasn't alone at least. And Roger was there! The legend. He's a professor who reitred a couple of years ago - we had him all through first year, and there's noone more intelligent yet laid back and charismatic. In 2nd year, he taught E&N (which I'm taking now), but other than that we only had him teach about his own ethnography. That's a gift in itself, though. I said "hi", and he did remember us (not sure about names...), which was nice - it was a brief encounter, and he was definitely a little awquard talking to us :( [I'm such a fan of his, and I think he knows that]

Anyway, what's the point of my title? Well, I was so tired when I got up that I just wanted it to be time to go back to Manchester, where everything stops. I'm only ever there when I have a break. And it just occurred to me how much of a problem that is. For one: I havehavehave to work non-stop this Christmas on my special project, to make up for my recent complaceny, and the fact that my new topic wasn't decided until week 6ish. This is one of my sources of stress lately. Especially since there are always less productive distractions (my brother has Skyrim). The other thing, which is pretty major, is - what happens when it's not so temporary anymore? No matter what I intend on doing - by the way, I had a crisis again lately - I'll be at home for at least a year just to work and get money. There's a chance, depending what job I end up on getting, that I'll stick with it. That's so depressingly boring. What's the point of all my hopes and desires (to show Moore's influence - our core text) to just end up in a daily grind kind of thing? My priorities have always been different to everyone I've grown up around - I don't want to live to work/for money/just to be part of a system. Whatever I do, it has to be special. And you know what else? As common as I am in some ways, and proud of that, I need intellectual stimulation. My favourite part about uni is that most my friends are on my course, and that's what we discuss. When I go home, not only do I not really have any friends, there are very few people that would even recognise anthropology as a thing. Maybe I underestimated how important the people who surround me here, are. I'll miss that - genuinely.

[Ive just realised that I haven't even discussed the 'Indigenous Party' hosted by Tribe, which was on Friday. So many anthropologists in one place! I could deconstruct the concept of it... or I could just say that it was a lot of fun!]

So this is a promise I'm making to myself: whilst I'm at home, for just a temporary period, and doing a mundane this or that, I'm going to be teaching myself all the things I wish I'd learned here. That is: the history (theory & theorists), methodology, and in fact just revising all the things I should supposedly know by now. I think... it has to be postgrad. I'm nowhere near done with this. And it's not enough to know that I want to work with Native Americans - I've got to make sure that I learn so much about them too, to have a definite area for research, which I can then follow up on. If that's in America, then I'll have to teach myself some linguistic anthropology, even archaeology.

...this feels an awful lot like a decision, doesn't it?

But really though - what other choice is there? I'm scared of going back to Manchester after I graduate, and then not knowing how to develop any further. Yes, I do have a lot of probems with academia, I think too much of it is pointless, but that's something to work on - to change. I've said this all along: a BA is not enough for me. The funding and all the other logistical stuff will just have to work out. That's it.

Unfortunately Cryptic

There's one particular reason lately that Ive been distracted...

but there are no words that would work to accurately express what I mean

- it can't be trivial if it's driving me so insane

if only there was a way to channel all these feelings into their head

P.S. I am going to try and write again soon - I just have an essay that I really ought to get out of the way first, and it's not going well (hence the above)

Where are my Priorities at?

There's been so much going on, it's insane. And still everything's just in the process of being done. I don't have a clear idea of what I've actually achieved, if anything. Which is frustrating considering how drained I feel right now.

Even though it's the weekend, of course I ought to be working. I took most of yesterday off as I was on a bit of a downer. After pretty much forcing myself to go to Spanish to pick up our 300-word assignments, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The mark was disappointing, to say the least. 62. With comments suggesting that I need to improve my vocabulary/use "more words", and also my use of reflexive verbs. Considering that he hasn't taught us any vocab (which I've mentioned before) and we literally only just covered refelxive verbs this week, I think he's being a little unfair. It's all the more infuriating because if this, a low 2:1, is the line I'm on for my final grade, well then that's going to hold me back in my push for a 1st overall. He's making me despise Spanish, which isn't right. I'm not doing it next term. I can't give it the energy it needs. I'll learn some other time, some other way. I just have to stick it out for the next 5 weeks.

There are a couple of good things to come out of taking the class though (as well as it being at least a start to understanding the language). In looking for inspiration, I saw "El Espinazo Del Diablo" ("The Devil's Backbone") which is a very, very good film; and I discovered the Gipsy Kings, who fair enough aren't actually Spanish, they were just a lucky diversion in my hunt for Spanish music.

I also had another meeting with my supervisor, to discuss my new proposal (looking at how religious aspects influence the making of identity), which I was really happy with in the end. She said she liked it too, and there were only 2 comments on the revision which was up on her computer screen - they were just to do with the choice of words I'd used (see one of my older posts about how pedantic this subject/academia is). Then we got to talking about it. And gradually she made more and more changes, in the end suggesting that I ought to just choose one "event" to be my focus (i.e. powwows, or sweat lodges, or Sun Dances). It almost feels like slaughter - I found it hard enough to narrow it down from where it was to begin with. And I thought the whole point of anthropology was not to look at things in isolation. She wants me to decide on this before next week, so I have to get a move on.

It also disrupts the work I'd been putting into my Ethnicity & Nationalism essay. It's not due until the end of term, but I wanted to get it out the way. I'd been taking my time about it, but read all sorts of things that I could use in my arguments... however, looking back over what I've got, it all does seem too dispersed, and I don't think my research has been heading anywhere in particular. Another wasted effort, then.

This is why I get so apathetic about things, even when I know I really want to be enthusiatic. It's a defense mechanism.

It's not all bad news though, honestly. For one, Russell Means has had a miraculous recovery (see this video to hear from the man himself). And... well there are other things. One thing in particular, but it's not worth discussing right now. It's just potential. Just hope. And I'm probably deceiving myself again (not to mention the distraction). In fact, I watched another documentary this morning; The Importance of Being Morrissey. Morrissey is meant to be some kind of enigma, but I think I can relate to him in some ways. Particularly in his approach to human relationships. It is a sign of inner-stength, I feel, but it also complicates a lot of other things - like the thing I'm not discussing here. This is what I mean when I say I need a lyric - to express what I otherwise can't. I bet something of Morrissey's would work pretty well.

From clashmusic.com