Whilst we're Re-capping... let's speak "Purpose"

I went back to my first post from two years ago, and then read a couple more, until I've at least skimmed all my entries. I can't believe I set out just to document "my last year in limbo" - it's almost laughable! It has to be, otherwise it's actually quite depressing.

Two years later, I'm in much the same situation as I was then. I have my degree, and it hasn't changed a darned thing. If anything, now that reality has dawned on me a little more, mixed with the limits of the ongoing recession, my drive has diminished, and my focus is even more askew.

I can see how my knowledge has grown. Some of the early posts seem quite immature. Well, is it immature? Or just uninformed? I knew my interest in Native Americans was based in romanticism, but I was taking it seriously. It just reads a little... naiive, I guess is the word. Now I'm not so naiive, and I still believe that I won't really know anything about their lives until I get the chance to go there. And then what? I'm also now painfully aware how established Native American Studies is as a discipline, and feel it would be too much for me to catch-up whilst coming up with a unique research project, if I were to ever pursue anthropology again. So, is that written off?

What about practical career plans? It wasn't until late on in that "final year" that cultural heritage occurred to me as a potentially rewarding option. Considering I have no background in it, I've actually done alright to get some experience. But, with the latest set of rejections, coupled with the knowledge I already had about the industry relying on volunteers; whatever few paid positions they have tend to go to people with post-grad qualifications in a relevant subject (namely Museum Studies); I feel like I'm back to square one. This is essentially the same thing that happened when I realised I'd never get to work with animals.

I'm not short of ideas, I never have been. The problem is sticking with them, or if I don't want to simply put it down to my flakey-ness, the problem of affording to pursue them. I mentioned just yesterday that I'm going to write about my skills crisis, i.e the ways in which I've been looking to develop myself further. I will. That and more.

I just wanted to round things off.

And perhaps my going to New Zealand makes a little more sense.

I need new.

Accidental Anniversary!

Alright, it's not exact. But considering I haven't even thought about the blog for the past year, it's an odd coincidence that I did so now. And what a year it's been. What a horribly difficult fail of a year.

The Masters? I started it, and decided to get the compulsory modules out the way first, moving on to the stuff that interested me later, where I could work it into a dissertation; which meant that all I was studying for the first term was the history of theory, and more ethnographies... And I had all the exact issues I'd been having in the years before. I couldn't focus on any of it, I just couldn't see why it was relevant, and I didn't care to try hard enough. To make it worse, as for the other people on the course, they were not from an anthropological background - mainly English Literature or Philosophy, oddly enough - and they were so enthusiastic! I heard them saying things like "well I'm very familiar with Emile Durkheim" or "Margaret Meade seems to have an interesting approach". My internal monologue was: "the names ring a bell, I at least recognize those after three/four years of study, but I've no idea what you're on about". So there was a whole inferiority thing, too. Added on to the perpetual dread of having a bank loan looming over my shoulders, it just wasn't worth it. I knew I'd panicked. I said so a year ago.

So I withdrew, quickly, to minimize the loss in tuition. Thing is, I'd actually been "paired up" with a girl from Arizona - she was Navajo - for our "group supervision" meetings, and they knew exactly what they were doing when they paired me with her since they knew my interests. So that's a bit of a loss. And in the time I was there, we read an ethnography on the Scottish community in one of the Carolinas (I don't remember which) and how their idea of the Auld country influenced their identity. I'd recently become very interested in Celtic heritage, which was something else I *could* have explored. I did actually manage to get a part-time job, too. So in theory, everything might have worked. But it felt wrong.

I stuck to the job. I was a secretary at the company my auntie works for (no secrets as to how I managed to get it, then). Actually, I'd managed to get one before that, as an "Arts & Heritage Attendant" at a local museum in Rochdale, but they'd taken far too long to sort out the contract, which was only casual anyway so had no guaranteed hours. Technically, I still work for them, but it's been almost a year and I only ever did 3 shifts. Anyway, the secretary job was in Manchester city centre - I loved the buzz of being there, walking around on my lunch breaks. It was on a temporary (maternity cover) contract, 25 hours a week, so I did well pay-wise because I didn't qualify for income-tax. But, it was a small office: just me, my auntie, and the boss (who was out on site/at meetings as often as he was actually around); and after I'd adjusted to the work, it all became very, very dull. I did the six months I'd initially agreed, and it was extended for a further three once the permanent secretary decided she wanted longer at home, but I felt like I had to move on. I had this desire to do stonemasonry...

[This is what happens when you go to all the historical places you've never been bothered to visit before. Well, in my case anyway. You can't say I'm anything if not eclectic]

I did a three day course in Lincoln, and loved it. But when I looked up the price of tools, thinking it could be something to do for myself, that came to a halt quite rapidly. This was at the end of May. Once I started looking for work again, I came accross a few museum/heritage internships, in time for the latest crop of graduates. There weren't a lot, but I was determined to get one, it would be just too perfect. So, even though I was unemployed, I wasn't signing on for benefits because they would tell me I wasn't doing enough to find work. I didn't want any work. I wanted that work. One by one, I was rejected. I got feedback after asking, and generally they said my application was strong and to keep trying, there were just people that met more criteria/had more experience. It's the worst way to lose out. How can you beat it? The last rejection I got was from an interview I consider myself lucky to have gotten for the Museum Galleries Scotland internships; mine being in Selkirk. Scotland! My heart was broken. I even managed to get an interview for the 3-month Leonardo Da Vinci programme, paid for wholly by the EU, in Slovakia. The criteria was simply based on your interests and whether they were able to find a place for you. I thought that would be fool-proof, since the town I'd be going to is the centre of cultural heritage within Slovakia. But, no.

Which basically brings us to now. Battered and bruised, I haven't had a clue what to do. I've basically failed at every turn.

So, I resorted to what I probably should have done as soon as I graduated. I'm using my savings and going abroad. Again, I wanted to do it in a sensible way, so no US holiday. I want to gain from it. With regret, that trip may have to wait a decade. I thought about a working visa for Canada, but turns out they're very restricted. Do you know where isn't restricted? New Zealand. So that's where I'm off next (November, to be precise).

We're roughly caught up now. Suprisingly, this is somewhat simplified. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to tell you about my personal skills crisis and how I'm trying to battle that., feeding into the general "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE??!!" point of this whole blog.

Still no answers.

I never follow through on anything, do I?!

After re-reading my last post, I realise how long I've left it again, and how I never answered that foremost of questions at the time: how did I do?... I got a first! Ha. Very unexpected, and in a sense, I feel, undeserved. My average mark was 69 - same as my brother got, and he was awarded a 2:1. Pays off being a course rep in that sense, then. But it must be more than that - I think it was maybe as a sign of encouragement from the staff to carry on with anthropology, since I've always had the motivation but am just always so unsure.

Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. And just like the BA, it was quite a last-minute decision. After all my planning to take a break, to travel, after earning a bit of money of course - I'm going right back to what I know. I panicked, I think. After I'd looked at the job situation and realised there was nothing for me to do. There'd better be something; I'm only doing the MA part-time, so I can work alongside. That made the most sense, I need the experience. And I'm trying to keep the degree somewhat vocational - it's in Social Anth again, but in Manchester I can do a 'pathway' in Museums and Material Culture. That's what I've decided I want to work in: heritage. I decided that in the last couple of weeks in Kent - I went to Dover Castle with Myra and Steve, and was just that impressed. To be in such a magical environment... Well, museums aren't quite the same. I find them quite dry. Dead things in glass boxes. It doesn't have to be that way, and I think that's where anthropology helps. To celebrate (or relive) a culture. Doing things. And I've made a start on attaining that goal (as well as applying for the course - and getting on it)...

I'm doing a voluntary placement at Ordsall Hall - aTudor Manor near Salford Quays, which has also been used as a working man's club and clergy training college. One week down, another two or three to go, at least full-time, I could carry on afterwards as much or as little as I want. How did that week go?... I'm not sure. It's not the place I'm not sure of, I'm very happy to be there rather than in a shop (and definitely rather than going door-to-door again). It's not the people, either. They all seem to like what they're doing and are very friendly, polite and helpful. Though I sense that I'm wearing them thin already. I get the feeling that they're having to accommodate me, that I'm not picking things up quick enough and ought just to be getting on with things then asking them all the time. I don't even know what my role is! The co-ordinator was incredibly encouraging by allowing me the option of working in all sections of the place, but I never know where I'm meant to be/what I should be doing. And although in the first couple of days I learned an incredible amount of things, I already feel that I've hit a wall. So I'm going to try and speak to him about it tomorrow. I don't know what I'll say, or even that he'll be able to do anything about it. I can't pinpoint the problem, but there is one.

I wanted to take this weekend to figure it out. That hasn't exactly happened. I'm very tired for one thing, can barely think. But I'm also having to work on this Professional and Career Development Loan application so I can actually do the masters. I did not want a loan. But the only other realistic source of funding would be the ESRC, for which I would really have to be doing a PhD. One step at a time!! This loan's proving to be a nightmare as well, though. I want to get it done ASAP, but I need some kind of letter from Manchester to confirm my course, and I somehow need to figure out how much to borrow and how long it will take to pay that back. I don't know! There's some things you can't know in advance! I know that the quicker I pay it off, the better (less interest that way), but if I sign up for a period of time where the monthly payments are quite high, what if whatever job I find myself in doesn't pay me enough to do that? I'm staying in Manchester so I can live at home and save money that way, but what if with the loan payments (and that other student loan) my outgoings become too much to ever move out?! I can't be stuck here... I underestimated how hard it would be to live here again. Everything was always so temporary whilst I was at Kent, and now I feel stuck!

It shouldn't be so easy to get stressed out. Why can't I take these things in my stride? I'm sure noone struggles as much as I do with such menial, everday things. I ought just to be in the States, even if it was just to travel. I knew I needed a break. But I worried about using my savings, about them being gone. It's going to happen eventually anyway, I know that...

Circles

I know they say life is full of ups and downs, I just seem to have had quite a lot of them in a short space of time recently. Alright, I'm sensitive, and maybe it's better than the numbness that's soon to come once I'm home. That's right - I'm all finished. Big achievement. Very anti-climactic.

I don't have much to say about exams. They were fine; perhaps even better than expected. Just waiting for them to be marked. Also need my special project grade still. I just want my overall degree classification now - I need it. I learned yesterday that I didn't get the zoo internship, so I have to look to do other things. As much as I kind of knew there would be better people, I'm gutted. I don't know if that's what's hit me right now, but I'm feeling very deflated. Even though I've just seen friends, I need to be around someone for a proper conversation. But there is noone around. There's something else on my mind, too, and that has to do with Wednesday.

That was a very fun day, overall. It was the screening of all the Visual Anthropology projects in our department, which I would consider the biggest event at the end of the year before graduation. I haven't been in other years, I guess it means more now I'm finishing. It's a good chance to see staff, although I only really said hi to a couple. Afterwards, the plan was to head to the Dolphin in town. Me and my group of friends went for food first, but it got later and later and by the time we got to the Dolphin, most the staff had left except for one (who I still didn't talk to) and everyone was about to move on to the same place we had just left! That was quite irritating, but can't be helped. Anyway, whilst I was with my usual friends, it was nice being around others who I rarely get to see otherwise. One person in particular matters to me, and the sequence of events at the end of the night were... unexpected, though not unwelcome. [this is tricky to write - although it's a personal blog, some things don't need to be gone into - how do I balance this? You'll have to fill in a lot of gaps, but I think that's better] As usual, however, I was too full of doubts, and stopped anything from happening. It was a rational decision, and in that sense I can't say I was wrong. But I'm full of regret, full of "what if?". This person is somebody. But I'd have to be a totally different person for the situation to be different. And I don't know what the situation is now, and as I never really run into this person - especially without classes - don't know if it can be changed. I could act, I could contact them, but a big part of me thinks that's stupid. So I'll suffer in silence until it all goes away.

What else have I got to think about? Well, next year I guess. Back to the drawing board. I think America is still at the top of my list - I've somewhat decided against *just* travelling cross-country, as there are plenty of opportunities to get internships. That'd be more worthwhile. I just have to decide what my strengths are since I have no particular skill or 'trade' - that's not easy. But as I said above, I could really do with my degree classification. So in the meantime? I've fallen back into Game of Thrones, with the second season. It really is epic, especially the last episode, just the finale to come. I want to be in that world (as dark and grisly as it is). Stand out character is by far Sandor "the Hound" Clegane. Ahh, fantasy, take me away...

I'm reminded of the title of this blog. "In Limbo". My work is done, and yet I'm still there. This is a longer process than I thought. Or maybe I'm always going to feel like I'm in limbo, always looking for something else. What needs to change is me. Well, I don't know, do I? Should I? I'm tired of all this doubt. I just want some comfort.

There comes a point where you can't call it Writer's Block anymore

I've never been able to keep on top of these things, seriously, I've started many a diary in my day and given up after just a couple of weeks... at best. I have been busy recently - well, not so much if I'm honest. It's one of those things where you know what you're meant to be doing / what you have to do, but it just isn't happening. And as long as it isn't happening, you really shouldn't do anything else that might be considered useful, that isn't 'fair'. So what does that leave? It's textbook procrastination, right? The most depressing thing is that I'm not a last-minute kind of worker, I want to get ahead on things (which never actually happens) meaning this process is dragged out even longer. Even worse, I class socialising in that off-limits 'useful' category; can't risk anything that I might actually want to get involved with! As long as I have deadlines, it's like I have a self-imposed grounding. Solitary confinement is not good for a person...

Sean Bean. Taken from nora's men blog

I think this is what leads to my superficial attachments - I believe I've mentioned a few of my obsessions, however shortlived, before: Arashi, Richard Lewis, etc. This time, a friend of mine highly recommended this series 'Game of Thrones' explaining the appeal through the north/south divide it portrays. Even though it's a fantasy, it's essentially English. "My" people are the northerners (the Starks), i.e. the good guys (even if a bit naive); whilst hers, as a Londoner, are the deceptive and cunning southerners (the Lannisters). Of course, as I watched it, I learned that it's much more complex than that. Complexity is good. Trying to put that in 10 episodes, not so much. But anyway, the point is, as well as loving the story, I was really drawn to the 'star' - Sean Bean. He's from Sheffield. Why did I not know this before? And why does it even matter? I'm not from Yorkshire, nor seen much of his work before. All I can think is there's just something about his nature, some groundedness (and of course at least a bit of familiarity) that I was in need of at the time. He's not bad to look at either.

So then I started looking for interviews on youtube. He hasn't done loads, but it's very easy to get distracted by all the links 'recommended'. I spent solid days engrossed in these short, fun encounters, learning benign facts about people that have absolutely no relevance to my life, just wishing I was a part of it.

[Well, it's not like I had a dissertation to write or anything. By the way, that did get done, though perhaps not quite to the level I'd originally intended. I'm still finding it hard to care. So, to all the people who say "that must be a huge relief" - not particularly.]

Craig Ferguson. Taken from Alons-y's blog

 This led into yet another obsession: Craig Ferguson. I've watched clips of the Late Late Show before, just not this... intently. I've ended up buying his autobiography "American on Purpose", which I'm already about half way through. What a life he's had. He really is quite inspirational - deciding what he wanted and then just going for it. I'm painfully enviable. Where I'm up to, he's just about 22, which is ever so slightly younger than I am now. But he's already experienced a hundred times what I have whist being addicted to alcohol (and ever so occasionally making a mess of things). If I look at my life so far in the same way, can I say it's been worth it? No, I really can't. That's why I'm sat up writing this, unable to sleep. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I never really did any drugs. Sure, it's dangerous (and expensive), but it's something that usually accompanies a social circle that doubles as a network - I think Craig demonstrates how this works when he talks about his experience in Manhattan. I've never even really been attracted to alcohol. Yeah, I started as young as he did, but I was definitely bored of it by 16, despite not really 'exhausting' it (I was always a light-ish drinker). At the time, I decided that my best option was to cut myself out from my circle of friends. That was stupid. To this day I've never been part of a group as tight as that, and I struggle to keep the few friends I have. Too used to my own company. But humans are social animals - you don't have to be an anthropologist to know that.

Take, for example, when I went to Japan. It was an amazing experience that not many people get to have, but I now that I didn't make the most of it. I went to lots of places, saw lots of things, but apparently I didn't make any lasting friendships. I just bought a new camera, telling the salesman that Japan was the inspiration. He joked that it was a little late, but that it should be quite easy to go back as there's bound to be people there I could stay with... nope. Why wasn't I able to connect with any Japanese people? From those few I really tried with, we just had nothing in common [I get that a lot with people in general]. The language barrier was a big problem, but there were peopl there with less Nihongo than myself and they did fine. The majority of the people I hung out with were American, but now we've all gone home, I never hear anything. This irritates me to no end, because of all places I'm likely to go in future, it's the US. In fact, that's how I've been procrastinating these past couple of days (rather than working on my last ever essay) - planning a trip accross the country, starting with LA jsut so I can see the LLS being filmed. But I have to work within a budget, which realistically means that even with my life savings, I couldn't last for much more than 3 weeks. Unimpressed is an understatement. Maybe I'll get advice from a travel company, but that may even put the cost up.

The other thing that would get in the way - although in this case it's much more forgiveable - I may get to do an internship at Chester Zoo. Twelve months, unpaid. Incredible opportunity, but may zap those very savings (unless I find other funding). I have always wanted to work at a zoo. Always. I'm starting to feel that the interview could have gone better, and that the competition will be too tough. But this could be my window into the career I need. [chat show host and stand-up comedian also looks seriously fun. But I'd be delusional to believe I had the character for it]

I'll try and keep you updated better in the future. You may have noticed the distinct lack of mention of my degree this time. In just a couple of months, after the exams, I'll have completed my biggest ever achievement. But I've had enough of it already, and it's feeling pretty worthless. It's little wonder that I'm depressed.

This has gotten to be a real problem now

When did I last write? A week ago? Two maybe? Because since then, I've been really out of sorts. Unable to focus on work, or anything at all in fact. That whole PhD thing must have just pushed me over the edge, but something's got to be done about this mini breakdown of mine. I'm all too aware of my deadlines - they're approaching and I'm doing nothing about it. I can't stress how important this year is, and I can see it all tumbling down, yet I'm still finding it hard to care. I just keep telling myself that it'll work out. It better had.

My mum came to visit me for a couple of days this week. I'm not sure why at this point. Don't get me wrong, it was nice having her here. But I can't help thinking it was partly just because she wanted to come, when originally I thought I had her worried about my lack luster outlook. We didn't talk about work. except my asking what she had to do whilst I was on campus (I still managed to go to classes, which is a plus). Actually, her being here may have just gotten in the way of the social side of things, which have also taken a turn for the worse recently. I never really see my friends now, excpet the one day a week that I have classes with them (even then it's sometimes only brief). They had lunch together on Wednesday, which I would have gone to as well had I not a mother to entertain. She didn't know, and I know she woldn't have made me stay with her, but it's just manners. Anyway, I know we can make up for that another time. And then there's the conference - I missed another meeting on Thursday. All I can say on that is I'm very much out the loop now and it's nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fairly sure Tribe don't mind. I only complicated things by wanting it not to be "organised by Tribe". *shudder* Well, she's gone home now, and I don't know what the visit achieved. I still haven't done anything related to my degree (except fret over it).

I'm finding hard to recall exactly what I have done. Watched a lot of stuff and eaten a lot of crap. After me and my housemate Kay watched a DVD the other day (which we do far too often, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling to work), we went back to the TV, and the new Star Trek film was on. I've never watched the series, though I could recognise a few characters. I didn't expect to be so blown away by it. Mainly caused by the fact that I may be a tiny bit in love with Spock. Since then I did start to watch the series - I don't think I'll ever lose that obsessive side. Why did I never want to watch it before?! It might be a sci-fi from the 60s, but it's really soooo good.

So now I'm a Trekkie, huh? Taken from aboutmyrecovery.com's blog

 

Have I used any brain power at all, though? Perhaps. Usually while walking home my mind will wander. A recurring theme has been education. As I learn things on my course, I start to question why I never knew these things before, why I didn't learn them growing up. Obviously there are certain details I wouldn't expect a child to be taught - for instance in Southern Med last week, the topic was Israel, and I finally understand the situation there and the conflict with Palestine much better. Perhaps if I knew more about Judaism that issue would have been graspable at an earlier stage. But in general I just seem to have had a lack of awareness about global issues. What was I ever taught about the world? Maybe I just have a very bad memory, but I don't think we ever talked about foreign countries in primary school. It seems so important to me now. [What am I on about, "seems"?] I often think about language, and how I never got anywhere with Spanish, and I'm forgetting my Japanese. I believe everyone should speak 2 languages, at least. English may be very widely spoken, but it's only fair that we make an effort too, no? It's very difficult to get into now, now that English is so natural and everything else... not. I also think everyone should play an instrument, as it's an artform that uses intelligence. I remember the music classes in school - they start everyone on the recorder, and there may be a few tamborines scattered about, but not much else. I only learned the violin because of the influence of a friend's family (who were very musical) and my mother's force. But even then, the violin is very predictable for this country. I now want to play the erhu, which is Chinese - how would ever have known of that instrument's existence without the experiences I've had in the last few years? (I should explain - I first saw it in Saiunkoku Monogatari, my favourite anime - a Japanese medium I only got into because of friends who watched it - I didn't know what it was before). That then makes me question, why do other people know about these things, and not me? Maybe it's been my family. We are 'common'. And we aren't alone in that. But it doesn't justify it. If only school had opened my eyes instead of fixing me in this routine of doing what's required and just passing tests.

I still don't have an answer as to why I don't want to do anything lately.

I'm scared that I'm throwing it all away.

Chaos

This term... what to say about this term... we're 1/3 of the way there, which is scary when I look at how much work I have to do. But right now, I'm in stasis, and unfortunately it's not of the I just don't care type. Last week was hell. Or was it? I feel like hell now, but maybe that just means last week was unnecessarily eventful. I'll get straight to it:

   I went to see my supervisor on Monday, after she emailed me to check-up. She beat me to the punch. I had nothing to show her, and I panicked about how little I'd read over the past couple of months, but when I actually went to see her it was fine. She's so lovely. And for some bizzarre reason trusts me. She just wanted to see the new abstract, which I could do since I'm pretty much ready to write my whole introduction; I just haven't. The other thing she really wanted to speak to me about was applying for post-grad - she wanted to recommend me for an ESRC scholarship at Kent that would cover all my fees and give me a living stipend (on which I could do research) for the 4 years it would take to get a PhD. That's amazing, right?! However, as we know here, I was thinking of going elsewhere for postgrad, and of giving myself a break to try something new and figure it all out... but I was flattered she thought so highly of me. Then we had a dep't meeting on Wednesday (obvs. I was there as course rep), and afterwards, the head of school approached me about the same issue. The Head of School! This man doesn't know me very well, probably only by face, but for him to come to me about it and not other people, it was clear they must have been dicussing it.

   So this is an avenue to seriously consider, right? To be able to research what I want to research and not worry about funding is the ultimate opportunity. But, oh yeah, I should have mentioned that the deadline for said funding is the 10th Feb. The issue had really been atthe back of my mind until then, and so to come up with something amazing in the next week was a bit... 0_0 Of course this deadline also makes me question their moivations for really pushing me now, why didnt' they suggest it sooner? Anyway, I put my research hat on and spent the next few days figuring out how it all worked and what I could possibly do. I didn't know who to turn to for questions. I emailed my supervisor once but her reply was quite short and she recommended I send a draft proposal to another member of staff, who is convenor of the Visual MA I was consindering doing. This guy's on study leave and doesn't really know me either, I didn't quite feel comfortable with that - plus I didn't have a draft to send. And I thought the proposal was for the PhD, not the MA, so I still don't understand the logic. Then I met with a friend, Lynn, who is also applying. She'd already come up with her proposal as she'd been applying for some other universities, but again was asked to apply to Kent quite late on. But she was willing to help me understand the process. She told me I'm supposed to have applied to and been accepted by Kent before I apply for the funding, which would mean I'd need to have that done by, well, today. More pressure then.

   I locked myself away for the rest of the weekend. My supervisor had said I could just extend my undergrad project, which makes it sound easy. For one though, I wouldn't actually want to research the NAC - anthropologists are disliked enough already without dealing with something so sensitive as religion. And in order to sell ny project to the funding board, I'd have to prove why it's a unique project and needs doing. That's where it gets really difficult. There are entire degrees relate to Native American Studies (I know, I want to do one) and I imagine very little that hasn't been done. But hat's just it: I don't know. The amount I've already learned this year is astounding, and that's just in one aspect of Great Plains life (if I can generalise for now). I thought maybe I'd be better suited to studying urban Indians and their connections with the larger tribal community, but again this is new to me and I know nothing about it. I looked up books, and yes, they exist. It doesn't mean I can't do it, as in fact it's better that there's information to be found and be built on, but without having started researching the area how am I meant to find my niche?

  Well, I got stressed. Very stressed. After speaking to my mum on Sunday, she said it was very clear that I'm not ready yet. I'm not. Not when I'm going to have to find everything out by myself from scratch. That's why I was looking at going to the States in the first place; that's where the knowledge is - for some reason it just hasn't come to this country. So if this weekend alone is a snapshot of what my postgrad years would be like, then I don't want it. But I had dared myself to imagine getting the money, and going out to Oklahoma to meet some Comanche (it makes sense to me to carry on with them when I finally do get to do research). So I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day watching films/documentaries, and sulking. I perhaps didn't realise quite how strained I'd been until I went to bed and inexplicably started crying.

   This actually makes me angry. I was pretty much sorted with my (none) plan. Why did they have to come to me with this offer? If they'd never mentioned it I would have been fine. My supervisor knew I wanted to wait/go elsewhere. They must have had pressure from the higher-ups to get more people signed up. But this isn't a game - it's my goddamn future. And now, feeling shit as I am, like I'm wasting an opportunity or something, I'm behind with work [you've no idea how much work I was going to crank out this weekend before this distraction] Above all else this year should be a priority. It isn't going well.

Now, a lot more has (probably) happened since I last wrote. I've watched a lot of decent films. Yesterday was Lantana with Geoffry Rush, which I really recommend.

   Oh and I also had that phone interview: it went terribly. It wasn't advertised as a sales job, although I had the impression it was a part of it - I saw it more as a service (recruitment), which is what I replied when she asked how I felt about working in a sales environment. I wouldn't have wanted that job anyway to be honest, so I don't care too much. It just makes me worry about what I'll actually do next year since I definitely won't be studying.

   There's also that conference, which has slipped to the back of my mind. It's hard to know how well it's going, as it's still very much an 'inside' thing it seems. I've given up trying to send emails. People aren't dealing with them.

I should at least today go up to campus for my only lecture at 4. It snowed this weekend. I dont want to walk up that hill. But I have to get back on track... Wish me luck.

Reconfigurement

As of this Sunday, I've been back in Canterbury. This is good news. Never, before this year, have I wanted to be away from home so much (aside from when I was in Japan, for obvious reasons... until the earthquake etc. Either way, that year changed a lot in me!). Anyway, that means I could get back to being productive. It's not been perfect, I must admit, but really just so much better.

Today, for instance, I haven't really worked on my project at all. I've gone through what notes I have on my reading already, and realised that I'm not even half way to what I need research wise (perhaps a quarter, at a stretch). In fact, I added 3 references yesterday, so I think it can be done quite quickly if I can find the sources. It's a peculiar state to be in, being both confident and panicked. The most exciting development so far is that I may be able to get some direct information about the Native American Church, as a friend of mine has a Navajo friend who is a member. She's going to pass along my questions, and hopefully he'll be comfortable answering them (it was noted that religion/spirituality is a really sensitive topic; I'm aware of this, but I can't avoid it if that's what I'm studying). I'm very lucky to be able to do this though - even though he's Navajo and they aren't my focus, I think it should be useful. Anything I can learn from is good. Which has persuaded me to contact more people. I'll look into it tomorrow. I have already been looking for NAC websites, but only seen a couple, and I question the legitimacy of one I did contact. So maybe it will be academics I contact rather than participants. That will still work. Still, it's a shame I didn't read more (remember those 2 books I mentioned I hadn't quite gotten through? Yeah... still not finished with them).

I applied for another job today as well (after realising I'd missed another deadline for an application I was very nearly done with - that's quite infuriating, I was so sure I had time!) In fact, Ive already been invited for a telephone interview for a job I applied for on Monday. So things are looking up. Best not to dwell on the fact that these jobs aren't exactly a passion of mine, but not knowing exactly what I want to do anyway means that I can't really achieve that. It doesn't mean I won't enjoy the jobs I've applied for; it's just that they're in business, which is quite intimidating, and I'm wondering how involved with people I'll actually be allowed to be - will I just have to meet the business' demands? I hope we're not going the way America has gone: corporations are not people!

*sucks it up* An opportunity is an opportunity. If I don't take it, what's going to happen? Nothing.

I have to be more careful about what I write. I'm not sure that I do want to go into journalism, as nice as it would be to be published, but I have mentioned this blog in job applications a couple of times. It's hardly professionally written. I know there are typos, and I'm revealing all my weaknesses, and I think most stupidly of all, I've mentioned people that I probably shouldn't have by name. Maybe I ought to change that.

Well, it's nearly Friday. As productive as the above apperas, especially in comparison with the last however long, it's not enough. Really just gotta get on with it. But also have to leave the house tomorrow. Campus bound, then? What of the rest of tonight... well, every night so far I've been reading Saiunkoku Mongatari mangas (it's my favourite anime series, the reason I bought myself an erhu, and my brother got me the first 3 books for Christmas), but I'm done! They're so easy to read, especialy when you already know the story... it makes me so happy! I've finally seen Hoju 'Kijin' Kou's face, and I'm anticipating the introduction of my favourite character Ryuuren Ran *hopefully* in the next book. It's insane how much I love this fantasy world. It's just beautiful in every way...

You'd be hard-pressed to make me care right now

Is "hard-pressed" even a saying/word thing? Not that its important, since I assume you know what I mean.

Anyway, yet again, it's been a while. A long while! What happened? Lots of stuff, I'm sure - it was end of term, I was busy. I didn't stop caring about writing this, it's something I like to do and am aware of the potential in it... it just didn't happen for a while. And what about now? Well, it's Christmas, and I'm back home. Ya~~ay. I bet you can really sense my enthusiasm. *yawn*.

Y'know, before I came back, I had this list of things (in my head, I never write stuff down) that I wanted to get done once I was here and had the time. Important stuff, too - like my dissertation that I feel very behind on, job applications and general after-graduation decisions. It just doesn't matter though. That's ridiculous Hannah! Of course it matters! But... meh. Best argument there ever was.

I have read, here and there, though not finished with the 2 books I've been reading simultaneously for the past week. With a balance of 80% not-work, 20% work (and some of that being skim-reading, too). Somehow, today, I've gotten myself to the point where I feel like it'll all work out, when for the past month or so I've been panicking about it just not being do-able. Did I tell you that I narrowed down my topic to the peyote religion in the specific instances of the Lakota and Comanche? I don't know anything about peyote! I know they use it in the Native American Church, but is it exclusive to that? And how on earth am I going to find out who in the tribes actually does this, and what else they do, and why? There are still problems... Oh and it will all be from books - I don't think an undergraduate project is significant enough to warrant my contacting someone in the US who may be involved; I don't suspect they're happy to share this information with anyone, especially anthropologists, if that's what I am.

[It just occurred to me that if I keep discussing it here, I may end up plagiarising myself. Stupid, but apparently possible.]

Why don't we just get until the actual end of the year to do this, like other dissertations? I fell behind because I couldn't balance thinking about this on top of my other modules. I might suprise myself with what I can get done under pressure (I've always ultimately left things right until the deadline - though this term I wasn't happy with either of my essays once I actually went to hand them in. That's right, "either", as in I only had 2. Pathetic).

There are all sorts of things I have to tell you about what was going on at the end of term. Course rep things, 5000 essay problems (understatement) and this thing called Tribe that I may have, or not, mentioned. The anthropology society - ring any bells? It started up last year by a group of friends, and everything they're doing/trying to do is great, but I'm not alone in finding it hard to get involved. In fact, even though I know the Tribe people and they are nice people, I still cringe a little every time I hear thet they're doing something. Having a name like that implies that it's a specific group, and you're either in or out. But since it's based on the subject/the department, it should just be open to the department, right? The major thing right now they're planning is an undergraduate conference for anth students around the country. It's an excellent idea; and even though I've done what I can to be involved so far, I still find myself using the word "they" because I doubt (despite their fronts) that outside input is really valued. There was some kind of structure in terms of 'roles' of things to be done, but to me a lot of it overlapped, and if people just did 'their thing' independently, then there would be a lot of problems but not a lot of progress. In my opinion. And the couple of people heading it don't really seem to mind making the decisions between themselves. It just seems as though the concepts of co-operation and communication have been forgotten by a lot of people. I'm not even sure that most other people in our own department know what's going on, even though, as course rep, I asked that an email be sent out about it. The people I asked hadn't gotten it. I wouldn't bother anymore, but the CV has been on the mind...

Speaking of which, I started a job application - something in local government - that I haven't yet finished. I'm sure the deadline's approaching, but I'm stuck. I'm up to a page of 4 sections, asking things like "tell us about your extra curricular activities, and any roles of responsibility you have held" (I don't have hobbies, really, and never run for roles of 'power' - I've got a whole philosophy about that); or, "describe a time when you've had to work in a group toward a particular goal" (I... don't know). Oh, I'm also aware of how little I know about politics, but the original, and simple point of government is surely just to help people/make things better. Seems like a good job. Just doubting that I will actually finish the application in time. I should be looking at other things to.

But things have just stopped. As always. That's why I decided to go back to Canterbury early (well... a week early - have to travel on the weekend and unfortunately this year, both holidays fall on weekends, which stratches the wait out).

'Tis the season to be jolly.

I wish.

Home is the Place where Nothing Happens

I really struggled to make myself get up this morning - my body just feels so heavy, so tired. That could partly be because the weather's gone crazy: lots of thick, eerie mist lately. Winter's here. I've probably got a cold. But I think it's mainly because the last 2 days have been very long and very busy. It sounds almost pathethic.

"typical student. 2 days and they've had enough!" 

But these aren't like ordinary days.

Monday is the only day where I have lectures, 1st one at 9am, other one at 4. In between that I planned on getting loads of reading done, but actually I spent the day with another of my anthropologist friends who went to Denmark - Lynn. She showed me this site, sporcle.com, with all sorts of mini games and quizzes, which we then spent a couple of hours distracted by; but we were also talking about our course, as always, and whether or not it's actually preparing us for afterwards (she is currently working on her application for a PhD - I still feel very far from ready for that!). Such thoughts carry a lot of weight; there's a lot of grounding in our current situation. If that doesn't wear you out then the lecture that followed would as she almost reiterated worries about debt/work/retirement/the end of the world. Following that I went to see my personal tutor, who I've never met, to raise a couple of issues I'm having (namely Spanish) - that is what they're there for, but unfortunately it was a little uncomfortable and I didn't get much out of it... Anyway, I then went and met up with friends again in Rutherford bar. I do love that everyone happens to be around on a Monday!

Yesterday should have been a day off, but I agreed with Myra that we'd go up to campus early to get a lot of work done. I was out the house by 9:30 (go me), and I actally did get some reading done; though as I was jumping about a bit, trying to formulate my topic for my next (Theoretical) essay, it's hard to remember exactly what. I'm going to go and see the convenor tomorrow to discuss it, as although I know I've got something of a good idea, it keeps confusing me. I literally think my 'line of thinking' (as they call it) has tied me in a knot. At 2pm Myra had a lecture, in Visual Anthropology - I went along, too. That's just how I procrastinate :P Actually, since I have been to a couple of the screenings, I know that I'm interested in the topic. And I really enjoyed the lecture! Mass media, and indigenous media, and 'inverse'/satirical anthropology: that's amazing. Why didn't I take this class?! We then went back and did a little bit of reading before 4pm when DICE (Durrell Institute of Conservation Ecology - part of our department) were hosting an informal debate, between their lectures, over which animal should represent the dept. It was odd being there, as we didn't really 'belong' and they all seemed to know each other, but it was still fun! Geeky fun, but that's the best kind. I'd really like to see our soc anth lecturers argue over a similarly trivial issues; perhaps proving to us that we really don't have to be so neurotic over deconstructng everything. After a vote at the end, and I don't know what kind of logic, the animal chosen was a tardigrade - I'd like to see that on their hoodies. Anyway, at 6:30 it was then the annual Stirling Lecture, where a guest speaker comes in to present their work. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this wouldn't be like an undergrad lecture - I have been to them before - really intense, with lote of ideas, and I'm not entirely sure I followed (by that I mean not at all). From what I got though there were some good ideas. I know I wasn't alone at least. And Roger was there! The legend. He's a professor who reitred a couple of years ago - we had him all through first year, and there's noone more intelligent yet laid back and charismatic. In 2nd year, he taught E&N (which I'm taking now), but other than that we only had him teach about his own ethnography. That's a gift in itself, though. I said "hi", and he did remember us (not sure about names...), which was nice - it was a brief encounter, and he was definitely a little awquard talking to us :( [I'm such a fan of his, and I think he knows that]

Anyway, what's the point of my title? Well, I was so tired when I got up that I just wanted it to be time to go back to Manchester, where everything stops. I'm only ever there when I have a break. And it just occurred to me how much of a problem that is. For one: I havehavehave to work non-stop this Christmas on my special project, to make up for my recent complaceny, and the fact that my new topic wasn't decided until week 6ish. This is one of my sources of stress lately. Especially since there are always less productive distractions (my brother has Skyrim). The other thing, which is pretty major, is - what happens when it's not so temporary anymore? No matter what I intend on doing - by the way, I had a crisis again lately - I'll be at home for at least a year just to work and get money. There's a chance, depending what job I end up on getting, that I'll stick with it. That's so depressingly boring. What's the point of all my hopes and desires (to show Moore's influence - our core text) to just end up in a daily grind kind of thing? My priorities have always been different to everyone I've grown up around - I don't want to live to work/for money/just to be part of a system. Whatever I do, it has to be special. And you know what else? As common as I am in some ways, and proud of that, I need intellectual stimulation. My favourite part about uni is that most my friends are on my course, and that's what we discuss. When I go home, not only do I not really have any friends, there are very few people that would even recognise anthropology as a thing. Maybe I underestimated how important the people who surround me here, are. I'll miss that - genuinely.

[Ive just realised that I haven't even discussed the 'Indigenous Party' hosted by Tribe, which was on Friday. So many anthropologists in one place! I could deconstruct the concept of it... or I could just say that it was a lot of fun!]

So this is a promise I'm making to myself: whilst I'm at home, for just a temporary period, and doing a mundane this or that, I'm going to be teaching myself all the things I wish I'd learned here. That is: the history (theory & theorists), methodology, and in fact just revising all the things I should supposedly know by now. I think... it has to be postgrad. I'm nowhere near done with this. And it's not enough to know that I want to work with Native Americans - I've got to make sure that I learn so much about them too, to have a definite area for research, which I can then follow up on. If that's in America, then I'll have to teach myself some linguistic anthropology, even archaeology.

...this feels an awful lot like a decision, doesn't it?

But really though - what other choice is there? I'm scared of going back to Manchester after I graduate, and then not knowing how to develop any further. Yes, I do have a lot of probems with academia, I think too much of it is pointless, but that's something to work on - to change. I've said this all along: a BA is not enough for me. The funding and all the other logistical stuff will just have to work out. That's it.

Unfortunately Cryptic

There's one particular reason lately that Ive been distracted...

but there are no words that would work to accurately express what I mean

- it can't be trivial if it's driving me so insane

if only there was a way to channel all these feelings into their head

P.S. I am going to try and write again soon - I just have an essay that I really ought to get out of the way first, and it's not going well (hence the above)

Where are my Priorities at?

There's been so much going on, it's insane. And still everything's just in the process of being done. I don't have a clear idea of what I've actually achieved, if anything. Which is frustrating considering how drained I feel right now.

Even though it's the weekend, of course I ought to be working. I took most of yesterday off as I was on a bit of a downer. After pretty much forcing myself to go to Spanish to pick up our 300-word assignments, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The mark was disappointing, to say the least. 62. With comments suggesting that I need to improve my vocabulary/use "more words", and also my use of reflexive verbs. Considering that he hasn't taught us any vocab (which I've mentioned before) and we literally only just covered refelxive verbs this week, I think he's being a little unfair. It's all the more infuriating because if this, a low 2:1, is the line I'm on for my final grade, well then that's going to hold me back in my push for a 1st overall. He's making me despise Spanish, which isn't right. I'm not doing it next term. I can't give it the energy it needs. I'll learn some other time, some other way. I just have to stick it out for the next 5 weeks.

There are a couple of good things to come out of taking the class though (as well as it being at least a start to understanding the language). In looking for inspiration, I saw "El Espinazo Del Diablo" ("The Devil's Backbone") which is a very, very good film; and I discovered the Gipsy Kings, who fair enough aren't actually Spanish, they were just a lucky diversion in my hunt for Spanish music.

I also had another meeting with my supervisor, to discuss my new proposal (looking at how religious aspects influence the making of identity), which I was really happy with in the end. She said she liked it too, and there were only 2 comments on the revision which was up on her computer screen - they were just to do with the choice of words I'd used (see one of my older posts about how pedantic this subject/academia is). Then we got to talking about it. And gradually she made more and more changes, in the end suggesting that I ought to just choose one "event" to be my focus (i.e. powwows, or sweat lodges, or Sun Dances). It almost feels like slaughter - I found it hard enough to narrow it down from where it was to begin with. And I thought the whole point of anthropology was not to look at things in isolation. She wants me to decide on this before next week, so I have to get a move on.

It also disrupts the work I'd been putting into my Ethnicity & Nationalism essay. It's not due until the end of term, but I wanted to get it out the way. I'd been taking my time about it, but read all sorts of things that I could use in my arguments... however, looking back over what I've got, it all does seem too dispersed, and I don't think my research has been heading anywhere in particular. Another wasted effort, then.

This is why I get so apathetic about things, even when I know I really want to be enthusiatic. It's a defense mechanism.

It's not all bad news though, honestly. For one, Russell Means has had a miraculous recovery (see this video to hear from the man himself). And... well there are other things. One thing in particular, but it's not worth discussing right now. It's just potential. Just hope. And I'm probably deceiving myself again (not to mention the distraction). In fact, I watched another documentary this morning; The Importance of Being Morrissey. Morrissey is meant to be some kind of enigma, but I think I can relate to him in some ways. Particularly in his approach to human relationships. It is a sign of inner-stength, I feel, but it also complicates a lot of other things - like the thing I'm not discussing here. This is what I mean when I say I need a lyric - to express what I otherwise can't. I bet something of Morrissey's would work pretty well.

From clashmusic.com

I have to stop doing this to myself

Small-scale: eating essentially nothing but sugar all day. The only reason I don't have diabetes is because I haven't been tested for it.

Large-scale: putting things off for so long, that no matter how much I think about them, I can't quite remember what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sorry for not writing recently.

Ok, so the recurring theme thus far seems to be productivity.

I'm constantly in this... I don't know, mess of both being productive, but then really just not. There are several reasons I've noticed this.

I updated my CV the other day. It's only on the 'hobbies & interests' bit that I actually get to ellaborate on the things I feel actually say anything about me. Of course, first is my interest in Native Americans - yet this final year project is the first time I'm really getting to explore/express it. This generally relates to my love of anthropology, which I'm showing in my role as course rep this year (I'll talk more about that in a minute); and also my new 'penchant' for languages - Spanish, this year. I then mention my interest in different forms of media, and the potential there to represent something. Such as the blog I'm writing this year, or a short film that I'm (hoping to) get involved with this year. Fair enough, I also discuss Japan, which was last year, but generally speaking I've left it all pretty late. It seems a little too much to be handling - especially considering how lazy I've been over the past few years. After contacting the Dover Detainee Charity, I haven't been able to follow through with my interest, because I just don't think I can. I feel bad. And I disappoint myself.

Especially when you think that this year isn't through. It's hardly started. So none of this is actually done.

I am, however, course rep. Me and the person I ran against. Somehow, we got the same number of votes. That's almost unbelievable, and kind of defeats the object of running. But I don't mind having a collaborator, so long as she is actually going to get involved. Only after a few days of having it confirmed that we were the reps, we had our first departmental meeting. The Union-led training conference isn't until November. We didn't have a clue what we were meant to do! Luckily, neither did Glenn Bowman (acting Head of School - he stressed that himself). I had announced myself at the start of our core lecture on Monday - my only chance - and it was petrifying to say the least. And I asked people to email me if they had any issues etc. but of course noone did. I doubt they voted either; that was probably the problem. Anyway, at the meeting: I don't even know how to describe it. It's very ordered, but also relaxed. So official, but then just a discussion. I managed to raise the issues people who'd just been abroad (like me) were having about being a out of the loop (we seem to be missing from a mailing list or 2), and also about mine and Rachel's 5000 essays that they've had since July but not heard about. In general, communication seemed to be the main problem. Not just spreading information around a specific year group, but having each of the years mix, and even the different courses (social & biological), and then the different departments (anthropology & DICE - Conservation - who we share the building with. We may even be classed as the same department). We really ought to be more of a proper society, and not rely on the student society, which didn't exist until last year. Now, "Tribe" as they're called, seem to get on really well with the academic staff, but they haven''t been too involved with getting new students - again, it took me a while to find anything out about them. After the meeting, a 2nd yr Biological Anth student set-up a facebook group, as discussed. It's now just all of the reps jobs to spread the word, be inclusive... I don't know what to do with it.

The other major thing that has me hovering is of course this Special Project. It's such a major thing, at least in my head, that I want to get it right. And in order to do that, I feel as though I already have to know exactly where it's going. Apparently I don't. Daniela (my supervisor) replied to my email from last week, just this morning, with comments on the proposal (which I knew had to change anyway, it was more of a reminder for her) and a quick note telling me not to panic. I wasn't panicking - it's my natural state to doubt so much.

[I think this is why my plans for after graduation are getting me in such a muddle: I need to know it'll be alright; I need control over what's going to happen; is that too much to ask??]

Anyway, she suggested we meet again next week, when she's back from... wherever (I didn't even know she was going somewhere). That's fine, I'd be happy with all the help I can get. She doesn't know that I went to see the guy from the English Department, who specialises in Native American Literature. I met him on Tuesday - it's been a busy week. I was in his office for an hour, just talking. It was so nice to talk to someone who really knows about the issues I want to address, and also understands where I'm coming from as, well, as a Briton (it isn't my history! I don't share a common territory with these people! It shouldn't be suprising when I don't know something about it!) We'd emailed beforehand just for me to introduce the things I was planning on looking at, so he had a list of books he felt might be useful for me. That was the main thing I got out of it. But it was nice to know I wasn't completely barking up the wrong tree. Of course I still have to be sensitive with anything that deals with Native American culture - the more I learn, the more I realise why that's so. It's such a shame. But there's always opportunity for me to change things. Anyway, now I've had another person's input, it's time to crack on with work again.

Uuuggghhh, reading.

Confusion

 I probably shouldn't have left it this long to write again - I know, it's only been a week, but honestly! The things that can happen/change! I feel like I've been busy. I started out last week with the best intentions to work, and for the first few days it was going well... but definitely by Thursday I lost motivation again, and didn't do much of anything at all over the weekend. Spanish is driving me up the wall. Ethnicity & Nationalism has barely even gotten started. I don't know what to do with the stuff we cover in Theoretical. And I'm just plain stuck on my Special Project. I would be fine just to get on with it, if my supervisor didn't keep reminding me that I need a more "definite idea" - what does that mean? I know what I want to look at. Yeah it's not in question-form so much, but I'm an undergrad, I'm not supposed to do original research, right? It's gotten me very confused.

4 weeks in. Pitiful.

Instead, what I've been doing recently is thinking about postgrad again. I went to the Career's Advisory for a quick drop-in session, and told them how, for a career, I thought I'd quite like to work in HR. She told me that had gotten competetive, but that by no means should hold me back, however there are more and more adverts asking for applicants who have degrees in that field. It's put me right off. So I then told her that I'd always wanted to do an MA in the States, in Anthropology with a minor in Native American Studies, but the cost put me off. She pointed me towards a webite (fulbright.co.uk) that is full of advice for UK students wanting to go there, and US students wanting to come here, and all the ways of getting funding. That sounded much more do-able. Hence I started researching again. What I learned was that, although you can get loans from external sources, most of the funding is likely to come form the universities themselves. However, those institutions that are more research-focused have the most money, and they tend to give more of it to doctorate students (a lot of the courses I looked at were aimed at doctorate's anyway, the MA was just a 'stopping' point, almost). Could I do a PhD? I really didn't think so - or, well, I didn't particularly want to. But I'm not dead-set against it. It would be a challenge intellectually, but I believe I could do it. The next problem is that, because they would basically paying for me to get the qualification, I'm more of an investment, and I'd have to state how I would plan to use the degree afterwards to see the full benefits.

I have no idea.

I can't really do anything with those specialisations if I'm not going to be living in the States, which isn't so easy a feat. And then I can't assume to be able to do anything with it even then, since I believe that anything I could do to help Native Americans, they would like to do for themselves (given the opportunity).

I think I really have to go to there before-hand, and get a better idea of how things work. It's hard speculating when I'm practically a world away.

My CV's pretty weak anyway. I'm once again looking at ways to improve it, i.e. volunteering. I finally got in touch with the DDVG who visit immigrants detained at the border (at Dover), either just being socialble or helping with legal things and the like. It's something I'd really like to do, it's just the travelling that's made me hesitate, but contact is a start. I also ran for course rep. Apparently I won... but then so did my only competitor. I personally think there's been a cock-up, and if they realise this so that the role goes to just one of us, it won't go in my favour. I should have thought about my manifesto more (at least I wrote something!). It would be nice to have that role though, not just for my CV, but I think it's something I could be really involved with - self-confessed anthropology geek!

I may have made it sound like even if I'm not working, my time is spent productively. Not necessarily. I was out for most of Saturday with Myra; we passed an oriental food store, so I thought I'd see if they had any anko (sweet red bean paste). They only had some that was expired, but he gave it me for free! So Myra and I spent the evening making home-made dorayaki, which I have missed from Japan. It wasn't the same - we basically just made small pancakes and sandwiched the an in between - but they were good.

Quois?!... I mean, 何？

*sigh* As you can see, me and Spanish just don't go well together. I don't even know how to say "what?" My natural instinct right now is just to revert to any foreign language that I'm more comfortable with, which is usually Japanese. Suprisingly, I find myself thinking things in French every now and then - I haven't taken French for roughly 8 years!! What's the problem? I really think it's the way it's taught. I know that any new language is hard - but this is insane. Manolo (the teacher - I may have mentioned him before) is a 'linguist', and obsessed with grammar. Grammar is good to know, I agree, but not when you don't have vocabulary to back it up. It doesn't seem as though he has any plans to strictly teach us that either - it's more of a "just listen and learn" approach. So I've been very confused in class. I just didn't go yesterday. Instead, I went into town to buy a dictionary and some flashcards. I've spent most of toay filling them up. Another difficult task when there's no set vocab list. Every word I come accross in our grammar sheets, I write down. There are looooaaads. It's only been 2 weeks! I repeat: insane.

Thus - I'm stressed. Already. Not just from Spanish; I feel like I'm falling behind with reading too, even though I'm making more of an effort than I'm sure I did a couple of years ago (not counting KG - completely different situation). It's a sad state of affairs. There go my plans of having a proper weekend then.

mustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchupmustworkmustcatchup.

What am I doing now, I hear you ask? Just making it that much harder on myself, of course. No, I'd lose my mind if I never stopped (it's a hard balance). After all my talk of societies, I decided the 45 minute walk up to campus made most of them... not worth it - especially if the activities then involved more excercise. But I have been to both Japan Soc meetings this year. They're at 7, on a day when my classes finish at 6, so I have an hour to get food (and don't have to go home). Usually, when it comes to anything related to Japan in this country, it's organised by some Japanophile who phenomenolizes everything, epsecially pop-culture, and is just ultra-excited. Unfortunatley they tend to gloss over reality, and generally speaking, they grate me. I think this society probably started like that, and some of the people who come are maybe like that, but there are a fair number of Japanese students around Canterbury, and they get involved. I think, in terms of commitee members, lessons have been learned and even if they haven't been to Japan, they really do have a feel for it. The activities aren't that different than they might have otherwise been, anyway. There's a planned karaoke night, and I'm sure there'll be a sushi-making party, too, eventually.

Harajuku Girls? Sorry to disappoint you, but I've been to Harajuku, and though this sort of thing does exist, it's not that common of a common sight. (Taken from adorability's blog)

Tonight, me and my housemates are going to see Kyrbgrinder again (remember the band from the Alternative Freshers' Ball?). Somewhat looking forward to it - I'm sure I'll get more into it once we're actually out. Other than that, there hasn't been too much going on. The only thing that's captured my interest - not counting X Factor or Strictly, which are more like guilty pleasures, or vices - is this documentary called "A Thunder Being Nation" which isn't out yet. I've been following the filmmaker on twitter; he's really quite involved with Pine Ridge Res., where the doc is set, and also where he filmed another film set there ("Rez Bomb"). I envy him... Anyhow, in order to completed with the best historical footage etc., he needs funds. Since I want to see it so much, it's only fair that I give something. So I did - I guess it's a good job that I haven't been able to work my budget out yet. Sort it later.

Pine Ridge, SD. If nothing else, it's got soul. I'd love to be involved. (Taken from Fixingtheworld's page)

So, no epiphony, or any particular point to make today. Maybe I forgot if there was. It'd be nice to find myself in a situation where things didn't get so hazy...

It's all so Pedantic!

I did have to look up that word, just to be careful - yes I'm aware of the irony in that. What am I on about though?

Academia.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe my degree is awesome, and am enjoying my classes. At this 'final stage' though I'm doing my best to think practically, you know: What comes next? What can I do? And then so often in lectures, even seminars in trying to stimulate intellectual thinking, they just get so caught up in definitions.

This is true for when I went to see my supervisor, Daniela. She's so nice, and it was a reassuring meeting (if not overly productive), but she pointed out that I had used the word "tribe" in my revised proposal, and asked me to be careful when I do so. First she asked whether I had come accross it in my readings, but I didn't know how to answer. Possibly. It's quite a common word, I'm sure I've seen it lots of places. Specifically though? I don't know. So she pointed me toward a book called "The Notion of Tribe".

"It's only a small book" I was told, and so I took it out the library. It was small, in terms of size. Small font, too. I read the first chapter (in the space of a couple of days - I don't rush), but I actually didn't understand too much at what it was getting at. I kept checking the contents for the topics it covered, trying to decide something that I may get more out of, but then just skipped to the conclusion. Still not a clue. Well, that's not quite true. I did have an inkling as to what the problem with the term might be, and as always its in the historical usage. Anthropologists weren't always what  they are today; they used to be a colonial tool, believeing that only Europeans were civilized, everyone else was primitive/savage, and they had to be taught. What a legacy, huh? I don't really know if there's a need to point out how wrong that is. Essentially, "tribe" referred to any identifiable grouping (homogenous in some way, be it language, ceremony, dress etc.) that wasn't part of a state. I did know that before. But I also know, perhaps from my English Language A Level although I think it's common sense, that meanings change. Surely the meaning of a word comes from its common usage. And the word "tribe" is used frequently, comfortably, especially when referring to North American Indians - even by such people themselves. I don't think anyone these days means anything derogatory by it. It's just an identity marker. And you know what? It is used in my readings. I doubted myself, but it is. Today I've been using Daniel Gelo's "Indians of the Great Plains" to work on my 'Orientation & Background' section, and in there is a less-than-2-page section entitled "The Notion of Tribe" summing up the problem of the term, but simultaneously shrugging it off. Typical. Why do I worry myself so much sometimes?

And why, generally speaking, is academic reading so unnecessarily difficult?! It ought to be the ideas in the text that challenge and impress, not the text itself. Like Marx - I have to read a chapter of his work for one of my seminars this week. I've been introduced to his ideas before, and I kind of really liked them. But I've never got round to fully reading some of his work. I have tried, but it's imperceptible! It makes so much more sense when someone just sums it up for you. I've actually gotten half way with this assigned piece so far, but that took a good couple of hours. Another reading that I've had to do recently, well, I can't even quite remember what it was about - something to do with creation myths and naturalised power (addressed by feminists). Again, it took me a long while to get anywhere with it, and then I thought back about it,and just felt that the whole argument was kind of obvious! Perhaps not obvious, but like it could have been written with 25% the length and made the same point, but in a more sensible way. I'm an incredibly slow reader anyway, so for texts like these I'm prone just to give up. It will be a miracle if I can get my project completed 'properly' (whatever that's supposed to mean).

The thing is with this field, with the direction that it's supposedly gone in now, it is supposed to be more beneficial. Our cross-cultural methods are meant to be used to raise awareness and understanding. But it's like another one of these secret circles [like politicians] in which the members just want to out do each other, and everyone on the outside is oblivious to the point of just not caring. Who does that help?

I think this is what Melissa was getting at in our lecture yesterday when she said she thought the discipline had passed it's post-modern stage now. She couldn't say what that meant exactly, and probably we won't see it too clearly until we're 20 years down the line, but it has to change.

The moment when you know... This Is It

Yesterday was my first day of classes for this year. I actually had a lesson for each of my timetabled events this term (excluding the Special Project) so I know a little bit about how they're all going to work. I'm not dreading anything... yet. In fact I really think I'm going to enjoy everything.

At 9am was the "Ethnicity & Nationalism" lecture - a very unfriendly time, but once you're in there it doesn't really matter so much. I don't know why I didn't take this class in my second year as it's always been something I was interested in. Probably an issue with clashes or some such thing. By leaving it until now, it means I missed out on being taught  by Roger, as he's retired now. He was nothing short of a legend, everyone misses him. Instead, there's a new lecturer who started last year when I was away - Dimitrios. He's Greek, and was telling us how he's done fieldwork on multiple topics in multiple areas - I admire the ability to cover so much ground; even with my specific area of interest, I'm barely able to stretch my efforts to cover it [case in point: today was supposed to be dedicated to research].

How Izanagi and Izanami made the islands of Japan

He's basically started the course from scratch though, totally reorganised it, but y'know what? I think that's for the better. I heard Roger made you choose a place and devise your own essay question - that freedom would be perfect for me, I've always been one for doing what I like despite the lack of support I may face. But I know a lot of people that just don't work like that, and they struggled. Also, by leaving taking the class until now, I have an extra 2 years experience under my belt. That really does count for a lot. Time helps to shape your world view. And as adament as I may have been when I was just 15 that I was an adult, there is just so much you don't - that you can't - know. Even now. I'm only 22. For the seminar on Friday I have to either find a creation myth or a newspaper article thet refers to nationalism. I think I'll just sum up the Shinto creation myth - I'm already quite familiar with that.

After a 3 hour break (which eventually I will learn to use productively) I had my first Spanish class. All I learned in Spanish was "me llamo" (my name is) and "soy de" (I am from). It was just an introduction to the course really, and a way to introduce ourselves. However, the only people's names I remember are a guy called Oscar who sat next to me, and the teacher Manolo who is from Seville and, blatantly, a very proud Spaniard. I do enjoy languages though - I still can't tell whether I will struggle with Spanish or not (in comparison to 日本語). I'm happy to stick with it anyway.

Then after another 2 hour break was one of my core modules for this year: "Theoretical Perspectives in Social Anthropology". How inspiring! I can't emphasise what a suprise it was to leave that session feeling so excited. I didn't really know what the class was supposed to be about - all I knew was that it replaces the old theory lectures that just used to teach you the history of the subject. It may be very boring, but I don't know that stuff, and I can't help but feeling like I'm supposed to. Why though? This is the thing - the department are trying to make the subject, which doesn't really leave to a concrete career, more practical. One of the kookiest, but definitely favourite, staff in the department - Melissa - is leading it. She's decided to take some really old anthropological ideas like 'taboo', 'witchcraft' and something called 'virgin birth' (which I haven't come accross before) and look at how the ideas have been used over the years/ whether they are still relevant etc. She says that the way she will know whether the module has been succesful or not will be based on in a conversation, if we as anthropologists can blow people's minds when they say something that they just take for granted. Like: say there's a discussion about politics, of course everyone's complaining, and someone just says "but it's always been that way, it can never be any different"; I shuld be able to come back at them with "well, actually, in some Polynesian societies..." You get the idea.

This is why anthropology rocks.

And I can't wait to be able to do that.

Unfortunately today has slowed me down again - until I speak to my supervisor I'm reluctant to make a start on my project. Though I know there's an obscene amount I need to do in this term alone. Instead I've been worrying about living on a tight budget again. And deciding about societies. And eating too many skittles.

(Re)Freshers

Technically, this is my 5th year of undergraduate study (which is beyond ridiculous), so I'm very used to this so-called lifestyle. I generally know how things work, without being too involved - though I suspect the SU will forever remain a mystery - and I doubt there's anything that would surprise me now. Yet still, every year that I've been at Kent, I've gone to the Fresher's Fayre. It's just nice to see what's going on/ which societies are active. And I got to see some old acquaintances and Madeira (my old capoeira teacher) again after nearly 2 years! This, plus the glorious sunshine, made the crowds forgiveable. Here's a little taster:

The Fencers, and people queueing for coffee, outside the Venue

Inside the main marquee. Table after table vying for attention/new members

...Pretty self-explanatory. Didn't expect the pony though.

The crowd outside the 2nd marquee

 




 

Other then the first term of the first year, I really haven't gone to any societies. And since I'm supposed to be especially busy this year, I doubt I'll manage it this time either. But it's that energy, again, that I thrive on. Seeing people so enthusiatic about what they're doing. It's a great thing. I always want to learn new skills; maybe I just don't have the drive. Or the money. It always comes down to money. We'll see. I signed up to lots, not decided which ones I can 'fit in' or that I'm really bothered with.

I finished off the week by going to the 'Alternative Fresher's Ball' (not a ball at all by the way - that's kind of the point. I think some people missed it). This was organised by the Rock Soc - something else I always considered joining. Again though, I can't match their enthusiasm for music. And for the most part, it's metal they're into. I don't really like metal. Unless it's live. You can really feel it then. On this occasion there were 5 live acts. Me and Kay missed the first, and only went up to really watch 2 of the others. Being on the backburners for these kinds of things is no fun. Yeah, I'm not a mosher anymore, but I want to see everything! I'm really glad we got up to the front for the final act - Kyrbgrinder. They were something else. Music I could actually hear above the noise, involved with their audience, and a lead singer/drummer who can do some tricks on top of what is already quite impossible! Now that's skill.

Kyrbgrinder. Doesn't the bassist look reminiscent of Courtney B. Vance?

 

Apparenty Andreea (my final housemate who I haven't met yet) is also into this kind of thing. I really hope we go to see more live acts this year. In general I hope I'm more involved this year. I should plan some stuff out. Not today, today I'm too tired. That walk to and from campus is a killer as it is - try doing it twice in a day, both times after already being on your feet for hours! The distance to my house could prove to be a problem...

I have sort of missed one of the main purposes of societies: to meet people. People you have things in common with. That event was not the right setting for conversation, so it didn't happen. Maybe it wouldn't have, anyway, because like I mentioned, I don't share a passion for music. Or for anything. What am I passionate about? Do I just need a quick thrill every now and then? Maybe I actually will go to the caving society - the idea of it terrifies me, but maybe that's good.

I swear, my whole life is just this huge grey blur of things unknown...